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My life now is one I never imagined

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Quilty, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Hello TPers,

    I visited my Mum in her care home today and I just wanted to share my visit. Mum was having a "foggy day". She has been quite with it for 3 days so it was not unexpected. She was lying down so I went to her room and made her a coffee to perk her up. She had her coffee and chatted for about 30 minutes about nothing in particular. I then walked with her to the lounge where she found 2 of her friends, so I left her there chatting and came home.

    Mums had life long mental illness and I have never really known her to be happy, and Im 49. She first told me she wanted to die when I was 6. Its been a hard road. I never thought it could ever be good or easy.

    So to all the others on this journey it can be OK. Care homes are not all terrible places. Many carers are loving and devoted. Staying home is not always the best option. And when you visit like me, every day, several other little old ladies and men become your family too. I dont think I have ever gone anywhere that so many people are happy to see me. They are all happy so the staff are certainly getting it right.
  2. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    Thank you for sharing this. :)
  3. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    This is a lovely post so reassuring my OH is going into a care home from assessment unit
    and I have been worried by all the stories in press about abuse suppose they never print anything about good ones thanks for cheering me up
  4. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    Yes my mum is happy in her care home too. We are lucky to have found them somewhere where they feel safe and secure. Sometimes I dont understand how she can be happy in that environment, not wanting to come out with me to do something nice but I think now she is scared of the outside world and I have to accept that. I think it has hit me harder!
  5. CeliaThePoet

    CeliaThePoet Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Buffalo, NY, USA
    This is lovely to hear, Quilty. I am also the only child of my mom who has lifelong major depression with suicidal impulses. She's been in a home for two years but unfortunately has tried self-harm twice this year and is talking about it again. She is NOT contented but never has been, dementia or no. I saw her yesterday to take her to a doctor's appointment, and she hung her head the same way I remember her doing when I was a child and she was feeling in despair. I have long since run out of ideas of how to fix it but I am a bit encouraged by the stories of change in others! So, thank you.
  6. Ballykeith

    Ballykeith Registered User

    Aug 26, 2013
    That's encouraging. I've been my mum's sole carer for two years without a day off. I live nearby and spend around ten hours with her every day as she would be quite lost on her own. We've no other family. I've recently decided that it would be best for us both if she does go into a care home. For her she would have much more company & stimulation than she has from me alone. For me, now exhausted and constantly anxious, I would have some respite and peace of mind - although I fully understand that the caring role continues. We visited a lovely new home today which is dementia-oriented. We'll visit some more until we can select one which suits best. It's a job to get mum to co-operate with this but I will persist as I believe that's it's in her best interests in the long term. There's still a stigma around care homes but in the modern world where traditional, multi-generational family structures have ended, the care home - a home where care is real - is a necessity.
  7. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Thank you Quilty for this :) It's good to hear a 'success' story and I'm so glad things have worked out well for you and your mum :)

    Lindy xx
  8. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014
    Me too

    back in octber i had to go into hospitel for a big opp.. My wife has lewy body. So delyth had to go in to care for 4 weeks till i got better. When i came back home from hospitel. I call in to see her . She look so good and was very well look after . There all lover her . Yes there are not all bad . Only a faw , sorry im dislix so bear with me .
  9. PollyP.

    PollyP. Registered User

    Oct 8, 2009
    Herefordshire UK
    Thank you Quilty

    That's a lovely post. I also want to reassure others that if you get a good care home with the right caring staff it is such a relief. Don't worry too much about the decor, the main thing to look out for are the way that the staff interact with the residents.

    The Activities Organiser in Mum's home refers to the residents as "the most important people in the world", and she really does mean it.

  10. Mother goose

    Mother goose Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    Co.Sligo, Ireland
    My Mum's been in N/H for 7 months & thankfully she is well settled. When I visit, she asks me when is she going home, lately she isn't asking so often. I am very happy with her N/H, the staff are so friendly & I have got to know most of them. I have also got to know a lot of the residents & they are all happy in their own way. One elderly man is always sitting in the entrance & we have a chat every time, I see him. I have to say I have never seen anyone unhappy there.

    The N/H has a courtyard garden in the middle of the building & one of the carers does gardening with the residents there. I went into see my Mum last week & as soon as I walked in the receptionist who I also chat to, said your Mum's in the garden. I went out there & she was helping the carer to plant vegetables & was enjoying herself. The carer even took my Mum & 2 other able bodied ladies to a market a few weeks ago, to buy chickens for the garden. They had a lovely afternoon out & were taken for a coffee on the way back to the N/H.

    They play bingo, do cooking, crafts & other activities. They have lovely home cooked food every day & plenty of it. I was looking after my Mum the last 2 years & she wouldn't eat properly, as she stayed in bed all day, refused to get up til 5 or 6 in the eve, from the night before. I took her dinners in every eve that Id cooked, she'd eat 3 mouthfuls & throw the rest in the bin & eat choc, crisps & drink wine. Now she's in N/H, they get her up every morn, she has good breakfast, soup at 11, 2 course dinner at 1 o clock, tea & biscuits in aftn & more food at 5 for teatime.

    She went into N/H in Dec & was a size 12, then a few months ago, I had to buy her size 14 trousers & recently I had to buy her size 16. Her memory has got very bad lately but thankfully she is physically fit & spends her time walking around the N/H. I have to say I am very happy with her N/H, there are 60 residents & they are all looked after very well.

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