My life has taken another cruel turn.

[hazytron]

Hello everyone,
I am booked in for my first session of chemotherapy. This will be on Wednesday the 1st of May.
As I sit here I can hardly believe what I am writing, is this really happening to me, I feel so well, how can I possibly "need" to have this horrid treatment?
However, enough of the self pity, I have weighed it all up and have made the decision to go for it.
Anything which increases my chances of a non recurrence of the "beast", cannot be ignored so, there we have it.
I will keep you posted with all developments and will, it goes without saying, appreciate all encouraging comments as I set off on yet another journey where my sanity will be stretched to the limit.
As I write, the weather is dismal and I have looked across at the house where Mum used to live, as I so often do, I used to love pottering in her garden and keeping it looking good, she would often shout at me, from the kitchen patio to say I was only there to please myself, what she meant was, she wanted me in the house to rant and rave at me, I wouldn't go in so she would rant and rave at me outside. For some peculiar reason, thinking about her , behaving in that way, has brought a smile to my face, possibly even a feeling of relief, that at least, with all that lies ahead, I don't have all that to endure as well. Bless her!

Hazel xx

 

[nellbelles]

I hope all goes well with your treatment, I know everyone reacts differently so I hope that the treatment is kind to you.

I am sending TP vibes to support you!

Helen x x

 

[Grannie G]

I too hope you only have very mild side effects from the treatment Hazel. On the other hand I hope the effect you need it to have is very strong.

Don`t forget your Circle of Friends will be with you every day, and especially on treatment days.

 

[jan.s]

Thinking of you. I hope it all goes as well as possible. A friend of mine had hardly any side effects ... So here's hoping. Xxx

 

[dognecks]

thinking of you xxxxxx hugs galore xxxxxxxx dont give up we need people like you in the world xxxxxxx paulxxxx

 

[Helen33]

Hi Hazel,

I know what you mean about not having to endure what once was as well as endure the treatment you will need. I am always grateful that I don't have the responsibility of caring now because I know I couldn't do it.

I have to start with an additional chemotherapy after the bank holiday (early May) so we will be starting it together. I will have to continue with the chemo I am on as well

I would say that it is something I have grown into. I knew nothing at the beginning but now I am more confident because of the experiences I have had with this illness and the treatment of it. I can only hope and pray that your experience will mean you have far more good days than bad.

Love and a (HuG)

 

[hazytron]

Hello everyone,

Well, actually having the chemotherapy dripped into my body was not at all bad, the day passed easily enough, there were pleasant people around to chat with. It was a bit grim at the end as I was the last one to leave.

My problems began before I reached the hospital car park. Having been immobile all day I became breathless. Hadn't had this happen since being in hospital following the removal of my lung!!! This was not good.

The next morning I felt nauseous and had to cancel my check up appointment with my surgeon, it will be two months before my re-scheduled appointment. Anyway, I was right to cancel because I was poorly sick for the rest of the day, and the next, and the next, after which a District Nurse visited and gave me an anti nausea injection.

I continued to feel very sick without actually being so and then, oh yes, the diarrhea kicked in. After a week of this, an out of hours doctor came to see me and was thorough in examining me. He arranged for a District Nurse to visit and take blood samples which turned out to be as they should be. My weight has plummeted alarmingly, I believe this to be the case when the appetite does not exist and when any food or water is taken, the tendency is for it to be removed by the body, in one way or another which is exactly what was happening to me.

As a consequence of all this I have had nil energy, very low mood and serious concerns for my remaining lung function, due to my enforced inactivity, so, I made the decision to quit the treatment plan. After all, the choice was left to me in the first place, as to whether I had the chemotherapy or not. I believe the very small improved risk of the cancer not returning, a whole 5%, on top of the 60%, already gained from having surgery was just not worth further suffering.

I saw my oncologist on Friday and expressed my wish to discontinue further treatment and much to my surprise she did not try to persuade me to change my mind and apologised for the unpleasant side effects that I had endured.

I am to have a check up in three months , with an Xray taken at that time. I am happy with this and will hopefully regain my strength as soon as possible.
Time will tell.

Will keep you posted with all developments.
Hazel xx

 

[Grannie G]

I do admire you for making such an important decision Hazel and am so sorry this has become an even more difficult time for you.

I send everything within me to hope for a good outcome for you. xx

 

[Soobee]

I do admire you for making such an important decision Hazel and am so sorry this has become an even more difficult time for you.

I send everything within me to hope for a good outcome for you. xx

I second what Grannie G says.

 

[Saffie]

I hope your your health improves very soon and your strength returns. You are a brave lady and have suffered so much. Very best wishes. x

 

[danny]

You are so brave Hazel. Really hope things improve for you now.Best wishes, Angela.

 

[susiesue]

Thinking of you Hazel and along with everyone else think you are one very brave lady!

Love

 

[hazytron]

I find it heartening that so many of you think I am brave.

I don't think I am, in fact, perhaps if I was the brave one, I would carry on with the treatment in spite of all the horrid side effects but I just cannot do it.

I have so many fears of what I may have to face if the beast should return sooner or later. My guess is that I would probably accept whatever treatment was on offer if I thought it would prolong my life.

However, for now, I have had enough.

I was having a think about the last twelve months or so.

January 6th 2012:- Mum diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.

January 23rd 2012:-Mum passed away.

July 20th 2012:- Completion of the sale of Mums' house. I saw to everything, house clearance, probate etc. Invisible brother remained invisible.

August 4th 2012 :- My younger son, he suffers from Schizophrenia, relapsed and was admitted to our local hospital, the next day was transferred to a more secure hospital 90 miles away in a northerly direction.

September 2012 :- My son became more unwell and was transferred to yet another, even more secure, hospital, 90 miles away in a southerly direction.

December 12th 2012:- I am diagnosed with Lung Cancer

February 2013:- My son is much better, but with my illness, it was decided that without my support he could no longer live independently and was consequently moved into supported housing 90 miles away in a northerly direction.

March 5th 2013:- I had my right lung removed.

Phew, there were other things went on in between all these occurrences, involving my other son which were so difficult for him to cope with. He has been a rock and so deserves a better life than he has.

Maybe, I am too hard on myself when denying that I am brave. Maybe I am just utterly worn out and need to step back for a while and take stock.

One thing I am always grateful for and that is the wonderful and continuing support that I receive from TP.

Thank you.
Hazel x

 

[piedwarbler]

Sending love Hazel. I think you made a good decision. I so respect you for deciding to leave the chemo. Reading your post about the side effects brought back lots of memories for me. That nurse should have given you the injection sooner!
I hope you are feeling better. Take care xx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Hazel,

I have just caught up with your news I am so sorry you had to endure such a dreadful time for so long. I admire you for making a firm decision and I hope with all I have that you recover quickly and enjoy each day of your life. The only reason I keep on the treatment is because I am assured that it has a good possibility of working due to the results I have already had and that I have far more good days than bad.

I hope you will let us know how you are doing Hazel.

Wishing you well.

Love

 

[Izzy]

I've somehow missed your thread Hazel. I agree you are brave brave lady. You've had so much thrown at you. Too much for one person.

Wishing hard for the best of outcomes for you. xx

 

[winda]

I wish you well Hazel, after making your very brave decision. I hope you now begin to feel a little better xx

 

[hazytron]

Hi everyone

Oncologist very happy with me today, xray shows all is well, except for 1 lung missing LOL. Blood tests all clear and normal. Another 4 years and 7 months to go and I can say that I am cured!!!! I am pleased.

 

[meme]

that is good to hear..x

 

[Izzy]

That's excellent news! You must be very pleased and relieved. x