1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. scouselady

    scouselady Registered User

    Mar 29, 2015
    Hi Everyone

    I just wanted to say hello really and introduce myself. I'm Lisa and my mother in law has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Although it wasn't a shock, it was still pretty devastating to hear the actual words.

    Although my husband is one of 6 children, unfortunately there is only him and one sister who "bother" with there mum and while we live a 2 minute drive from her, my sister in law lives 250 miles away. So, my husband and I are basically on our own. I do however have a good family of my own, all of whom are more than willing to help us share the load.

    As I would imagine, we all have good days and bad days and on my bad days I just feel so sad. Sad for the future and what I know is still to come. I don't know whether it's a good thing or bad, but I have a background in care and currently work with people with alcohol related dementia. Is it good that I know what s to come or is my husband and sister in law the lucky ones who have no idea of what's round the corner.

    Sad for my children, especially for my youngest who is 9. Both my kids have a wonderful relationship with their nan and for the last 18 yrs she has all but raised them with me while I worked. My son who is 18, I feel, has the better memories, all of which, so far are good ones. My daughter though, I just feel that her whole relationship and memories with her nan is about to change and be completely different to her brothers. Then I see how understanding and kind my kids are to their nan and that makes me feel so proud yet heartbroken that they are going to have to go through this.

    Anyway,I'm starting to ramble now lol. I guess I just wanted to say hi and that I look forward to getting to know you all a bit better.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello scouselady

    Welcome to Talking Point and thank you for such a well thought out introduction.

    It sounds as if you are a very loving family unit with one or two exceptions so your mother in law will get as much support as she needs.

    You ask if it's good to know what's to come , because of your experiences. It may be , but then again what might come could still new to you.

    We cared for my mother through her dementia and also our next door neighbour. Even so, I did not recognise it in my husband because his behaviours were so different.

    I'm pleased you've found TP at this stage in your caring role. There will be a lot of support for you here and you will be able to share your concerns.
  3. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    Yes, welcome here. I have found this place a gold mine of information. Keep reading and posting when you need, even if it's just to rant x
  4. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Welcome and keep posting here. We understand in a way nobody else can. I am 4 years in with my Mum. We did ok for 3 years but the last year has been a rapid decline. My advice is to live in the moment and try nit to imagine the future. Mine is nothing like i expected as my mum is now stable and quite happy for the first time in a long time. None of us can predict the future and very bad days notmally get a little better.
    Be ready to ask for help. We are all here. Love quilty
  5. scouselady

    scouselady Registered User

    Mar 29, 2015
    Thank you for the kind words. It's a minefield isn't it? Some days it's guilt, some days it's impatience which in turn brings the guilt back. Then some days I think right, bring it on! But My daughters words when I first told her about her nans diagnosis " I think nanny should make hay while the sun shines" stays with me most days x
  6. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    Welcome xx
  7. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    Hello and welcome, this is a good place to be when dementia comes into your life. Lots of understanding, shared experiences, and caring friendship as well as a wealth of experience and information.

    You sound a close knit loving family and very supportive of your mother in law. There is no knowing what course her Alzheimer's will take, all you can do is take each day at a time.

    Your children sound lovely with their Nan and that is good. Although I understand your heartbreak.

    My husband had the earliest signs of vascular dementia almost 13 years ago, if not earlier following a stroke when early memory problems and personality changes began. He has now been in a care home almost 4 years. We have two daughters with three children each, now young adults. When they were young children we had a lot of involvement with our 6 grandchildren. But three were much younger when dementia came into our lives and they missed out on what the other three had experienced with their Grandad. ​

    However distance also played a part when we could no longer be with them as often as previously, and it was more difficult for them to come to us.

    You obviously live near each other and your children have seen their Nan on a regular basis, which will continue. Young children are so accepting and often can have extremely good and caring relationships with a grandparent with dementia. There is quite a lot of evidence of that here on TP. I appreciate your sadness though, that your son has had longer with his Nan before her Alzheimer’s.

    Try not to anticipate the future, just enjoy what is and as I say, take each day at a time.

    Wise words from your young daughter and that's the way to go! :)

    Sorry to write so much… keep writing.

    Best wishes to you and your family

    Loo x
  8. Not so Rosy

    Not so Rosy Registered User

    Nov 30, 2013
    A huge welcome from me too.

    My Dad thinks he still lives in Norris Green, he left there many moons ago but Google walks on the IPad bring him much comfort for all the places he misses in Liverpool.

    He has lived in Surrey for 40 years but doesn't remember a bit of it. :eek:
  9. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    & a warm welcome from me!
    My name gives you a clue as to why I'm hugely fond of Liverpool and Scousers in general, and visit as often as I can! -- It's a sad, trying and frustrating journey, but here you really don't walk it alone.
  10. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Hi Scouselady,

    You're not far from me (I'm in North Wales) and we have a similar situation :) My Mil was diagnosed when my youngest was about 7 (now nearly 14), and like you, I feel so sad that she won't have the same memories of her Nan (who was always a massive part of our daily lives and helped me out with child care for years) that her older brother and sister will have. And like you, I have a long background in care work, including working with late stage dementia, and have a fair idea of how this illness may progress - I've found that there are actually a lot of 'pluses' to that, so far. Things like the incontinence I can take in my stride and it also has meant that I have a good idea where to start and what buttons to push when I have to deal with beauracracy. It also means that I have the benefit of seeing things from the carers perspective, and I do believe that's enabled me, for the most part, to build good relationships with (for example) staff at the home where she goes for day care. And again like you, its just OH and I, though in our case, that's due to him being an only child and the fact that Mil hails from Ireland, which is where nearly all of her remaining family still live.

    Mil now lives with us, has done for 18 months, and its tough - but I've found that the massive amount of support that I've had froma lot of wonderful people here on TP has really, really helped. The background in care doesn't prepare you for everything that you may or may not face, its sooooooo different when its a loved one - but the support on here certainly helps you deal, so I hope you keep posting and sharing :)

    Good luck with your journey x
  11. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Children can be very understanding and laid back too about old people with issues. Yesterday as we prepared to take my 13 year old grandson to the airport to return him to his mother my husband decided the boy was an agent ( football or special agent who knows) and would have to carry a strong bag for all the " money". Although bizarre my grandson just laughed it off and said " I'm just going back to school, grandpa. This is my backpack".

    A few years ago they would be boxing and playing football. Life goes on.
  12. scouselady

    scouselady Registered User

    Mar 29, 2015
    Thank you all so much for the lovely words. It really does help to know your not alone x
  13. scouselady

    scouselady Registered User

    Mar 29, 2015
    Your very right Anne. Already I've had that little bit more knowledge when dealing with professionals and find that if you at least sound like you know what your talking about then your halfway there and less likely to be fobbed of!

    It's also made me that bit more patient and I tend to take most things in my stride (I work with 34 men who are pernamently drunk so I'm used to a certain level of bizarre lol) My husband is getting more patient and tends to just go with the flow now. For example when she told him she'd been down town to see Neil Sedaka on New Years day, he was horrified and was trying to tell her she hadn't. A few months down the line, he will ask her did she enjoy it! So it's a learning curve for all.

    I expect this forums going to become invaluable in the next few months x

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