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My husband's uncle

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
South Ribble
Hi everyone,

It's a long time since I posted here asking for help... but I have a question and I know this is the best place to ask it...

I am posting here on my husband's family's behalf today. Hubby's uncle lost his wife about a year and a half ago to cancer. He's in his 80s. He descended into dementia fairly rapidly after her death (they had no children & were devoted to each other). :(This led to him going into a care home in Essex about a year ago. At first he was popular, he laughed and joked and settled well, then as his dementia became worse, he became abusive and the home said they were struggling with him.

Then last week he attempted suicide, we don't know how but we think possibly he tried to hang himself because apparently they have taken away anything he could try and hang himself with. They have taken his razor off him too. They admitted him to a psyche ward but he was discharged back to the home.

He is "effing and jeffing" at the moment according to my dad in law.

All his care is being sorted out by my hubby's auntie who is a lovely lady with no children of her own and her hubby passed away many years ago. She has had one or two strokes and is in her 80s. My hubby's dad lives about 45 minutes away, he is in his 80s too and still drives. So, he is going and trying to help. Hubby's sister also lives about 45 minutes away. She doesn't work, but can't drive.

I wondered, does anyone have any advice on what we could do to help, please? :confused: What questions should we be asking? I have asked if he is on any medication but I can't get an answer to that, and I don't know if he has even had a diagnosis of dementia. He is fully self funding his care.

All advice and suggestions would be very, very welcome. :)
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,643
Kent
Hello Pied

Good to see you back on TP but not under these circumstances, sadly.

I`m sorry Pied but be very careful what you offer out of the kindness of your heart.
 

jasmineflower

Registered User
Aug 27, 2012
335
Hi
When you say that all the care is being sorted out by your hubby's uncle do you mean all the personal care? Surely that is the reason for him being in the care home.

I am in Essex too and have recently had the same situation of a care home being unable to cope with specialist needs. Do you want to PM me with your location and we can see if we are near your relatives? If so I might be able to pass in some contacts

J
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,506
Near Southampton
Hello Pied.
I'm sorry that you've had to return here with sad news.
What hits me is that the symptoms of Alzheimer's are very similar to those of depression and for your husband's uncle to succumb to AD so after his wife's death might point to the latter.
Of course I have absolutely no way of knowing if this is so here and I have to say that my mother's AD signs showed up after the death of a beloved brother and I've always had a niggle that, as this was in the late '70s and we knew so little about Alzheimer's then, she might have been misdiagnosed but we have no way of knowing and have always accepted the diagnosis of AD.

I have though, read on TP of a number of instances where the symptoms were more apparant after the death of a partner. So, it is in all likelihood with your husband's uncle but it sounds as though depression is involved now and I would assume he is receiving medication for it. It doesn't always help of course.
I think I'd want to know about his Careplan to find out just what has been happening leading up his feeling this way. He seems aware enough to know how to end his life.
Poor man, he must be so unhappy and desperate. Such a sad situation.
Best wishes.
 

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
South Ribble
Hi Sylvia,

Thanks for saying hi! Hi to you too. I know, my heart sinks (to be brutally and selfishly frank) at the thought of taking it on. I have spent (as you know) many, many years caring for my mum and am still finding the novelty of having a choice about how to spend my evenings and weekends.

So, I will be careful.

Thanks Jasmine, I mean financial aspects of care and trying to visit in hospital and the care home... there is still a lot to be done - the house sale has just gone through, managed by my dad in law, and he has been busy doing that, while Aunty has been doing things like buying razors, clothes and so on. I found it demanding looking after my mum when she was in a care home. There was always a medical/OT/dental/orthotist appointment to sort out. I will PM you, thanks for the offer.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
Hi Pied. How very good to hear from you-not in these circumstances obviously:( I think that the CH, or whoever is identified as next of kin, should phone the psychiatric hospital your Uncle was admitted to. He should have a CPN or a SW, or at least a contact number which is always(?) given after discharge from the mental health services. There should have been a follow up visit from the above personnel or the MHT. This should apply whether a person is self funding or not. If all this fails ask the CH to call out Uncle's GP. He can then refer your Uncle back to the MHT.

Your OH's Uncle sounds in torment and should not have been discharged until he was more settled.

Love

Lyn T XX
 

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
South Ribble
I think I'd want to know about his Careplan to find out just what has been happening leading up his feeling this way. He seems aware enough to know how to end his life.
Poor man, he must be so unhappy and desperate. Such a sad situation.
Best wishes.
That's a good idea, I will ask them to ask about his care plan. I do think that sometimes he is aware of his situation and sometimes he is very unaware, from what my aunty says. She finds that hard to accept and says she doesn't visit as much because he seems so angry with her most of the time, whereas I see the classic signs of sundowning in a lot of what she says. It doesn't help that I haven't actually been there to see things for myself. I think I would have a better idea if I had.
 

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
South Ribble
( I think that the CH, or whoever is identified as next of kin, should phone the psychiatric hospital your Uncle was admitted to. He should have a CPN or a SW, or at least a contact number which is always(?) given after discharge from the mental health services.
Your OH's Uncle sounds in torment and should not have been discharged until he was more settled.

Love

Lyn T XX
How lovely to hear from you Lyn. I hope you are all right. I didn't know that Lyn, that's good to know. My mum was never (luckily) in a psyche ward so I wasn't sure how that would work. I will ask the question.

Yes, he does sound in torment and I feel very sad. He is a lovely man, always very, very dignified, gentle, and polite, and he doted on my aunty, he did everything for her all through their life together. :eek: (Well, I say he is a lovely man - unfortunately he sounds very agitated now)
 
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Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,893
London
Shouldn't someone who is a danger to themselves be sectioned so they can receive proper help and treatment? Why on earth was he just released back into the care home?
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,036
70
Durham
Hello Pied I am sorry about your husbands uncle, I can't help but it is nice to hear from you I hope you are well xx
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
Hallo again Pied. I would agree with Sylvia to be very careful about having him up near you so that you can supervise his care.. I am, though, a firm believer in going and seeing for yourself, so trying though it may seem how about a weekend in Essex in a B and B with a visit to Uncle and an appointment to see the manager of the care home and a look at the care plan? That way I feel the care home staff are more likely to take you seriously and be more communicative on the phone. You will also be able to visualise more clearly any situation etc.

please don't take my suggestion as some sort of criticism which is definitely not what I intend, I may be speaking out of turn but I'm posting this anyway
Pippa x
 

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
South Ribble
Hello Pied I am sorry about your husbands uncle, I can't help but it is nice to hear from you I hope you are well xx
Ah Jeany how lovely to hear from you. I am much better than last time I was on here. Caring took its toll on me that's for sure. I hope all is well with you? :)

Thanks too Beate. I agree with you - he doesn't sound well enough to be back in the home but then again is a psych ward a good place to be either?
 

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
South Ribble
Hallo again Pied. I would agree with Sylvia to be very careful about having him up near you so that you can supervise his care.. I am, though, a firm believer in going and seeing for yourself, so trying though it may seem how about a weekend in Essex in a B and B with a visit to Uncle and an appointment to see the manager of the care home and a look at the care plan? That way I feel the care home staff are more likely to take you seriously and be more communicative on the phone. You will also be able to visualise more clearly any situation etc.

please don't take my suggestion as some sort of criticism which is definitely not what I intend, I may be speaking out of turn but I'm posting this anyway
Pippa x
Hi Pippa, how good to see your name pop up. I hope you are ok? I hope all is well with you.
That's a very good idea about going down. It's the coward in me that makes me think I don't want to go. I cried this morning when Hubby was talking about it all. It brings back memories of my mum. I know that's selfish and cowardly and I can't help wishing my sister in law would deal with it as she is down there and available all day. But then again you're perfectly right, it is the only way to set my mind at rest. :)
Of course I am not offended by your suggestion. I did say any suggestion would be welcome. We can go down at half term. :)
 

Loopiloo

Registered User
May 10, 2010
6,118
Scotland
Dear Pied, so good to hear from you, but not under such circumstances. Such a sad situation concerning your husband's uncle, poor man, and that the lovely man he was has changed so much. But that sadly is dementia.

Re visiting the care home he is in, sounds a good idea to get a better idea of the situation and read the Care Plan personally. But distressing for you.

You are not at all selfish and cowardly, considering how long you cared for your Mum and all you went through. I would second the advice to think carefully about committing yourself to having him near you and taking over his care.

Look after yourself, Pied, you have been through a lot as your Mum’s carer and concerning your own health.

Do let us know how you get on if you visit during half-term?

Thoughts and my love

Loo xxx
 

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
South Ribble
Update

Hello everyone,

Thanks so much for the helpful ideas which I passed on to my hubby and his family. I was hoping to go down at half term and see for myself.

Sadly, my hubby received a phone call yesterday morning at work. Uncle B was found dead in his room at five o'clock on Friday morning. The police were called as it was sudden and unexpected. Apparently the doctor said pneumonia, but he hadn't been treated for that. :confused:

The body had already been taken to a funeral parlour when my great aunt got there, which I find a little bizarre. :confused:

I am very alarmed and upset at the whole thing to be honest.

I know it sounds awful, but in a way it is a blessing for Uncle to be out of his torment, and at peace, reunited with Auntie C, whom he adored and was devoted to. On the other hand, I think it is awful that he was found, having died all on his own, with no one there to help him.

My husband has a demanding job and said straight after he put his phone down to his sister he had another phone call about an urgent job so he didn't really have time to process it. He came home last night with a sick headache which I think was caused by the news. He was saying last night, "It's all so sad". Which it is, of course. Sad that Uncle probably died of a broken heart, if you believe in such things. Sad that he wasn't a bit better looked after in the care home (the last meeting they had with the family, they said they didn't want him there any more because he was swearing a lot), and sad that ... oh, just sad, isn't it. The whole thing is sad.

So now we are having a funeral for him, identical to auntie's. That's at the end of next week. I've been asked to read at the funeral. The family aren't religious, so I am looking for a poem or reading that would be suitable for an uncle, if anyone has any suggestions. I would like something that mentioned him being reunited with his beloved wife, if possible. I have been searching on the internet, but not quite found what I would like, yet.

Sorry to bring bad news to the forum. I know you are all struggling with your own problems, and I was hoping to be able to say things had improved and we had got some help for Uncle. :(