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My husband may be nearing the end

blacklab

Registered User
Feb 25, 2009
20
South of England
My dear husband has entered a phase of calling out when being moved. He's been hoisted for some time. He still eats and drinks but has lost weight. This is his ninth year of suffering from mixed dementia and he also has prostate cancer. He's only 76. The care home are giving him oral morphine as required. On my last visit on New Year's Eve, I waited in the lounge while they got him out of bed - they were short staffed as usual and this was about eleven. I could hear him wailing like an animal as they washed and dressed him. I never knew life could be so cruel - for him or for me and the children. We believe the cancer may have gone to his bones but no one knows. He hasn't spoken for years. I don't know how much longer I can sustain this. I have sympathy for the man in Essex who shot his elderly wife in a care home.
 

Timeout

Registered User
Feb 10, 2012
204
I am so sorry to hear this, please be assured there are plenty of holding hands here for you. You are not alone in what you think. Please take care
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,793
69
Dundee
Oh blacklab I am so so sorry to read your post. I wish I could say something to help. I wish your husband peace and you strength.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,630
Ireland
I'm so sorry too, blacklab. Can they not increase his pain meds on the assumption that he is in pain?
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
I'm so sad to read your news. Are you in contact with the local hospice. It might be worth contacting them to get some support from them xx


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wobbly

Registered User
Feb 14, 2012
313
Mid Wales
you can ask staff to contact the GP as your Dad is in constant pain, thats what we did with Dad recently when we got him moved back to the home from hospital, he had broken his hip and had pneumonia, the GP started a syringe driver for constant pain relief and Dad was so much more comfy, he was never going to get better we knew that but it is so hard to watch them suffer, we lost Dad on 22nd just before christmas but he is not suffering now.....
 

tigerqueen

Registered User
Mar 11, 2014
75
Essex
Oh Blacklab I'm so sorry to read your post. I am sending you a virtual hug. I hope the local hospice can help you to get some peace and comfort for your poor husband, but I surprised that the ch have not asked for stronger painkillers for him already. Xx
 

Shazedge

Registered User
Nov 11, 2015
27
I am so sorry to hear you are having to go through and witness such pain. Defiantly speak to the GP and see if they can give him something to make him comfortable and peaceful. It's horrendous and like you said your dad is no age. My dad was 71 when he passed 2 weeks ago today but thankfully it was peaceful snd a kind release in the end. It's a horrendous illness and one which I would never wish on anyone.... Stay strong and follow your heart... Sending a hug and thinking of you xxxx
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
1,914
Essex
My mother too suffers from a lot of pain due to osteoarthritis. She too is often in pain when turned in bed. She does have an opiate patch (Fentanyl) which gives constant pain relief and seems to help and she also has oral morphine as required. I had to up the dose of the latter from 2.5 ml to 5ml each time (it's the 10mg/5ml solution). I had the advice of a palliative care nurse. As others have said, you should suggest his medication is reviewed by the GP or the hospice.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,765
Kent
I`m sorry to upset you further blacklab but it does sound as if your husband is finding personal care painful. It was the same for my husband and it is distressing for everyone to hear. Oral morphine does not seem to be working so it does sound as if the time for a syringe driver has come.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,727
When my Mum was in a lot of pain at the end - it seemed like all the nerve endings were on fire - I asked them to do as little as possible - she wasn't aware and I just didn't want her to suffer more than she had to - although the situation was different and it was very short term and she was in hospital maybe they could still reduce personal care to the minimum. Sometimes they don't want to do that in case relatives think they are being neglectful (and you may not want them to reduce it either of course). Just a thought

Thoughts are with you at this really hard time xxx
 

blacklab

Registered User
Feb 25, 2009
20
South of England
Thanks all for your kind words. My daughter is going in tomorrow to ask for the care plan so we can assess whether we should contact the hospice. Big problem with the ch is lack of communication between staff, one nurse didn't know that my husband had had morphine the previous day. I'm exhausted after Alan being in care for 5years and me fighting his corner in 2 homes. In one they said a patient was hitting him at night thus his facial bruises but then it turned out a carer was abusing patients. She's now in jail. I know in general, the care is good but I've witnessed so much lack of care I find it really hard to be positive. Excuse the rant friends, we need it sometimes!
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,727
Oh I am so sorry, you really have been through some awful experiences, no wonder you are exhausted. It would be worth a call to the hospice anyway - explain about the morphine and that you are very worried about the pain control and they are usually very very helpful and will go in and assess and make sure everyone is up to speed. If you have a hospice near you, you may get support more quickly if you just pop in and speak to either the senior nurse or one of the palliative care team - I've had close contact with 2 hospices and they have both excelled xxx
 

Dimelza

Registered User
May 28, 2013
130
That must be heartbreaking blacklab. I arrived as dad was being changed the other day and he was crying out in his room as they did it. Horrible horrible sound. Every little thing they do exhausts him, even being moved from chair to bed.
Dads only on paracetamol but when I go later I'm going to see if they think he needs anything more.