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My husband hardly knows me but I still love him so.

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by blacklab, May 20, 2015.

  1. blacklab

    blacklab Registered User

    Feb 25, 2009
    20
    South of England
    I am feeling desperate. My husband has been in care since 2010 and my life has revolved around ensuring his care is good. I am now feeling exhausted mentally with the pain of seeing my dear Alan in such a pathetic state. He would have loathed to be like he is and it breaks my heart to visit him. I came away again this morning with tears in my eyes. Anyone got some words of encouragement?
     
  2. kayze

    kayze Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    166
    #2 kayze, May 20, 2015
    Last edited: May 20, 2015
    Hi.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so sad.

    My husband hasn't known me for ages now, when this first happened I was totally devestated as we had young teenagers who he also never knew.
    As time has gone by I have had to except how our relationship has changed.

    Its not all bad though, I know he still has an emotional attachment to us because he gives us the biggest lovely smiles when we are with him which he does not do with strangers.

    Kayze.
     
  3. blacklab

    blacklab Registered User

    Feb 25, 2009
    20
    South of England
    thanks Kayze. I feel bereaved but I still have a husband to care for. I'm sorry you have teenagers who must miss their Dad too. My children are adults but still miss their father and I know dread their visits to him. However, I know he needs our smiles and the love in our eyes.
     
  4. kayze

    kayze Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    166
    Hi blacklab,

    I miss my husband so much too, I miss conversation,having a nice cuddle while watching tv and just his old self.
    Like you said I also feel grief and its horrible and lonely.

    I think no matter how old our children are they are still to young, it's so very sad for them. I just take each day as it comes because when I worried about days ahead it did no good.

    Hope you feel better soon.
    Kayze.
     
  5. Dazmum

    Dazmum Registered User

    I'm so sorry Blacklab, it must be incredibly hard to have to see your lovely husband like this. I often feel like crying when I leave my mum, but it must be much harder with a partner. I hope that you get some comfort from coming here to chat to others in a similar position. Hugs for you xxx
     
  6. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Hello,

    I am so sorry that you are feeling heart broken.

    These are very helpless times for many of us. Thankfully, there are many people on TP who are there for us, no matter what. Someone to hear us, and, know how we are feeling.

    Last Saturday, I was at a very low ebb, I cried all day, it was our anniversary, and, Stan was none the wiser. I wished him happy anniversary, but, just a vacant look. Tried to give him a kiss, he opened his mouth, trying to eat me. So I wrote on TP " I'm having a bad day". I wasn't expecting any replies, it just felt better writing down how I felt. 8 Lovely people sent me, hugs, love, and lovely comments and thoughts.

    Because Alan does not actually look as though he knows you, that doesn't mean, deep inside, that he doesn't. I've come to notice the little things from Stan, smiles, little gestures, that I know only apply to me, I know deep inside he is still here with me. If Stan had, had any idea that he would be like this, he would have told me to shoot him.

    I do not believe their feelings change inside, memories or not. On Monday, Stan and I and had a very rare conversation, He wanted to know if we were going out, what my name was. I told him Marian, that I was his wife and I loved him. He replied he loved me too and puckered his lips for a kiss, whist having a kiss, he cheekily put his hand down my blouse - a little pat. So have heart, I do not believe they change, in their hearts they know who we are, and still care for us.

    Not a lot of help, I know, but, I hope a little comfort. Bless you. I hope you feel a little better. Lots & lots of hugs.
     
  7. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    There was a thread going a while ago entitled "what do you miss the most" or something like that. So many of us just missed sitting quietly with our loved one chatting about the day passed or the one to come - where to go for a holiday, what colour to paint the kitchen and so on. I spent my husband's last nine months discussing "the boat berthed on the roof of the NH", how many cars, dogs, houses I personally owned" - discussing who I was and why I was there visiting him and towards the end - "where was his Mother, Father, First Wife, Sister and various friends but never me. I became used to it and every day was different - but it still hurt like hell and the memory makes me sad and fearful. But he was still the lovely man I married and although I missed that man I still loved him and derived as much pleasure as possible from my visits to him. There will be some not so bad, and some very bad days Blacklab. You just have to get through them as best you can. Loving thoughts WIFE
     
  8. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    To everyone going through this stage-or has gone through it-I send my love and understanding. I remember when Pete could still talk and he looked me in the eye and said 'who are you?'. I was heartbroken as I'm sure you can understand, but yes I still loved him. Even though Pete is no longer with me I still love him deeply and I always will. I hope that wherever Pete is he is like his usual caring and happy self. I hope he is looking down on me and remembering the love we shared. It's tough-really tough.

    Take care everyone

    Love

    Lyn T XX
     
  9. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Registered User

    Jan 12, 2009
    14
    North Somerset
    A couple of weeks ago, I took Mum for a drive in the country, which she loved, because the Mendip Hills reminded her of her childhood home in Sussex. We chatted, laughed and it was a rare good time. Then, as we pulled up the drive, she said, 'I've had a good life, I mustn't grumble. But the one sadness in my life is that they keep telling me my daughters are going to visit, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of them for months.'

    It's the worst form of unrequited love, isn't it? We can only do our best, hope it makes a bit of a difference in their lives and then go and weep in a corner. I know it's much, much harder for my father to have lost his wife of nearly 63 years bit by bit over the last few years, so my heart goes out to all of you with a partner in this situation. xx
     
  10. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,118
    Female
    Scotland
    Hello blacklab. My husband is also in care, 4 years by the end of this month. I remember every detail of the day he went into the care home, it feels like only yesterday and yet feels like a lifetime ago. It is as Lyn said tough- really tough.

    I feel as Mal does. I pick up on little things which would be meaningless to others; expressions, gestures, a look in his eyes, and tone of voice although his speech is no longer coherent. I do have a strong feeling the connection between us is still there. Love survives dementia even if not expressed as it once was.

    Not so long go I did read that emotions remain until the end, and this strengthened my instinct.

    But yes I agree our men would loathe being as they now are. It is heart breaking to seem them like this.

    Loo x
     
  11. blacklab

    blacklab Registered User

    Feb 25, 2009
    20
    South of England
    Thanks to you all and especially Mal2 here.

    I do think it is very different when it's your husband or partner. If you could come home and share the heartbreak it would help. When your soulmate is in care and you don't want to burden the children it's very lonely. Alan hasn't spoken properly for many years as dysphasia set in early on, and as we know, there is no knowing how much he understands. it's really hard not to cry when they try to eat something offered. It is pitiful and the smiles are harder to summon up it's good to share the despair! Thanks.


     
  12. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield

    When, Stan asks me who I am, and I tell him, his face lights up and he says, that's good that we're married. Something is in there deep down.

    One thing this Dementia cannot destroy is the love shared.

    I really believe, wherever you are Lyn, that is where Pete is, where he will always be, close by, still caring for you, until you meet again.

    Hugsx:):)
     
  13. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,561
    North West
    Such a sad thread.

    Perhaps it will help all of us, whatever we are having to deal with, to try to treasure each little flash or glimmer that comes from the person we will always love.
     
  14. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,767
    Female
    Dundee
    Bill told me I was a good boy yesterday! I'll accept that!:)

    Mind you his carer was a little less happy when he referred to her as my mother! She's 10 years younger than me! :D
     
  15. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    Oh thank you Mal. Such comforting words-thank you. Just what I believe; I have to don't I? The thought of never seeing Pete again is too painful to contemplate.

    Love,

    Lyn T XX
     
  16. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Keep positive thoughts, don't contemplate. Pete IS with you. Take care. Hugs xx
     
  17. Mal2

    Mal2 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2014
    2,967
    Enfield
    Isn't it nice to be able to laugh at the innocent things they say. Stan says things sometimes, we laugh, and he smiles as I tell him we are laughing with him, not at him. A bit of sunshine in our sometimes cloudy days. xx:)
     
  18. Timeout

    Timeout Registered User

    Feb 10, 2012
    203
    We visited Mum yesterday, she now doesnt really know who we are but we must be familiar to her as she was really pleased to see us. She doesnt make any sense when she talks now (8 years into her journey and 3.5 years in care) - all her words are jumbled and sentences dont make sense but she laughs lots and enjoys our visits.

    Yesterday in the middle of all this jumbled conversation she said 'I'm still here'

    It was so lovely to have a glimpse for just a few seconds - yes, I believe deep down the connection is never lost x
     
  19. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,767
    Female
    Dundee
    Isn't that nice Timeout?
     
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    I agree with you Timeout. `I`m still here` is a wonderful thing to hear. I`m so pleased you were there to hear it.
     

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