1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Sunset-lad

    Sunset-lad Registered User

    Oct 29, 2015
    15
    Midlands
    My mum who I care for has had to go into residential care. This is her second day in there and I think it's finally hit her that she won't be going home. All she kept saying in between crying was that she can't believe she won't see her garden or house again. Ive tried to explain that her nobility, along with near blindness and forgetting the odd thing means she is no longer safe to be at home and I need people to help me care for her 24/7.
    It's heartbreaking and all I've done since I left her at 5pm for her to have tea with the other residents is suit and cry. I honestly feel I've broken her heart
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,590
    Female
    Dundee
    Hello Sunset-lad and welcome TP.

    i'm sorry to hear about your mum. It must be very hard for you but it sounds like you've made the right decision. Hopefully your mum will settle and you'll be able to enjoy nice visits with her.

    I'm glad you were able to share on TP. I hope it helps.
     
  3. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Sorry to hear of your very bad day, which must have been so hard for you both. You have from what you say been trying your best to do the best for your Mum. This in itself is no easy task as all of us on TP know. Both physically and mentally draining and such a constant worry.

    You have for whatever reason come to the conclusion that she will be safer where she is and unsurprisingly, it has been a wake up call for her as you say. But you must feel guilty in any way because she will miss her garden etc. think of how you would feel if she wandered into the garden and fell, and was left out there for a period of time?

    You can also tell her about the garden, or remenise about it with her which she will relate to. You can fabricate if you think it will make her feel better. It's early days in her new residence and it may take her a few weeks to settle from what others have said. In that time you will be worried about her obviously, but at least you know she will be looked after by more than one person day and night, who are on call if needed. She will be fed so no more concerns about if she's eating or can she cook or did she remember to.
    It will get easier I'm sure and she knows really that it is for the best but feels probably like we did on our first day at school, overwhelmed not understanding fully, and making the best of it.

    Don't feel guilty for a second more, it's not you that has put her in the home it's the disease called dementia. You never did this to her physically or mentally did you the dementia did unfortunately. Cry, because you need to. Cry, because you feel another step nearer to losing your Mum. Cry because for every pound you had you would no doubt love to make her how she used to be. But please don't cry because you feel guilty about doing the best you could for her just like you always have and will.

    One day at a time.
     
  4. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    537
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Oh, Sunset-lad, please take heart. You've just made what is probably the most difficult decision you'll ever need to take in your life, and have done so with love and compassion for your lovely mum. It's tough when your head tells you logically one thing, and your heart screams another. But, you know, you HAVE done the right thing. Take a deep breath, take a little time out for yourself and be very kind to yourself for a day or two at least! I know you will get support from many lovely TPers on this forum who have been through similar experiences.

    Wishing you strength for the days ahead.
     
  5. Sunset-lad

    Sunset-lad Registered User

    Oct 29, 2015
    15
    Midlands
    Thank you
     
  6. Sunset-lad

    Sunset-lad Registered User

    Oct 29, 2015
    15
    Midlands
    Thank you, its so difficult because I have cared for her for the past ten years, although the dementia was officially diagnosed 18monthgs ago. I have to now entrust her to someone else's care and that is so difficult for me to do. I worry that it won't be right and the list of " what if,s" grows longer
     
  7. Sunset-lad

    Sunset-lad Registered User

    Oct 29, 2015
    15
    Midlands
    Thank you, the head and the heart bit is so true. I also explain to other people that I feel as though I am making her do something she doesn't want to do, and that's something she never did to me when I was growing up
     
  8. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    I'm sure once she's settled a little the home will be happy for you to help with meal times etc if you wanted to. Plus other people say the other residents become friends too not just to your Mum but you as well.

    The home I'd imagine will have come across many situations before and if not they can contact you so don't overthink things or you will be ill next, then you won't be up to visiting her. Be kind to yourself, and things will be different after ten years of caring for her but now when you see her it will be more quality time not rushing round like a bumble bee time eh?
     
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    You obviously have a wonderful relationship and nothing will change that, hold it close. You will need each other even more in the coming days and my best guess is that you will grow closer, you will have more time to enjoy each other as your hands on role reduces and you will be able to keep a close eye on your mother's care and ensure that she is treasured and well looked after.

    Please do take photos of the garden in the different seasons and she will continue to get pleasure from it and perhaps bring some of the garden into her. In the summer you will be able to enjoy the home garden together and perhaps you will be able to persuade them to help residents become involved in the garden there.

    I am so sorry you are in so much pain at the moment but it is an adjustment phase and it will improve for both of you. Stay close together and all will be well. Thinking of you. Keep posting
     
  10. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,476
    London
    Hi Sunset lad my heart goes out to.you after caring for your mum I know how you must feel.but you can't look after someone 24/7 on your own (I tried and failed) it does get easier you will find and remember you should be proud that you looked after her for a long time cry when you need too sending you a big hug ((((( )))))
     
  11. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    73
    So sorry to hear how you are feeling. I did the same thing for my mum back in July. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do but I did it to make sure mum got the care and attention she deserves. Do not beat yourself up because you are doing the best thing you can for your mum. It is hard, but she will settle and you can continue to be there for your mum and hopefully not be worrying about her safety but enjoying quality time with her. She will begin to see the benefits of having the company around her and the care she deserves. There will be a period of adjustment for both of you. It gets better, hang on in there. I know I did the right thing for my mum and i'm sure you have done that too. Sending you hugs X
     

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