My head says one thing my heart says another

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by pevensey, Jun 29, 2019.

  1. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    138
    Female
    Eastbourne
    Oh gosh really, I've read if you own your own property that you definitly have to be self funded. It's in both our names though so thought they would must take OH share. Do they take the fees years later then when I've gone.OH has about £4,000 savings I've got about £1, 000. He gets attendance allowence and work pension of about £350. But so times it's about where you live, post code lottery how much and how you pay.thankyou for information though
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,886
    Yorkshire
    what a brilliant GP you have @pevensey
    I hope their reaction has helped settle your mind about a move

    it's correct that your home is disregarded in the financial assessment (and no, the LA will not later be looking to recoup their costs from you), which is all on your OH's finances only plus half of any shared savings
    here's a link to pages on the main AS site that may help explain
    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/who-pays-care

    one catch may be if the LA is required to fund, as they only have to offer one placement at the LA rate, which may not be your ideal choice ... then a top-up might be suggested, be wary as you are not required to pay this ... and you must be left with enough to live on, though you may need to look into applying for any benefits you would qualify for
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,189
    Female
    South coast
    I just thought I would mention that the advice that you have been given about funding, @pevensey applies assuming that you live in UK - if you live anywhere else it wont be correct.
     
  4. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    138
    Female
    Eastbourne
    An update on my day yesterday, S/S have been on the phone to me this afternoon saying he cant go into care now, even though the GP sent urgent referral. He has to go to day centres to get him out. I told them he was housebound and can hardly walk I doors just very slow shuffles with 2-3 falls a week. He would absolutely hate a day centre, and we have to get someone e in to help him shower and stuff, and be needs to go to places where he can use his brain, He doesn't know how to use his brain and I'm at my wits end. They said I might get about 5 days respite, but I need at least 2 weeks at least that would be better than nothing. My daughter rang them back and there goi g to phone her tomorrow. AND YES, my GP was REALLY good and caring, hes not back till Monday so well ring him then.I think it would be easier if I had some good memories to look back on with OH but he wasnt very nice a d gave me a hard 57 yrs, I NEED ME TIME NOW not all this hard work and stress. I only came back to him when he was diagnosed with vascular dementia, I felt sorry for him on his own
     
  5. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    138
    Female
    Eastbourne
    I'm sorry about ranting on in my above post, it sounds like I'm really hard hearted, but I'm really not, I just feel,like this is my next 10 yrs now and all I can do is cry if someone just looks at me the wrong way. But fo bers crossed I'll get a couple of weeks respite by the end of next week. How wonderful would that be.
     
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,886
    Yorkshire
    rant away @pevensey where else can you go to let it all out
    I am so disappointed for you ... here's hoping your daughter and GP can get them to see sense
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,189
    Female
    South coast
    ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) @pevensey

    Im afraid that the reaction from SS is par for the course - they will try anything to keep him at home.
    Have you had carers up till now? If not, SS will want to be able to tick the box to say that they have tried this before they will consider a care home.
    You have to let them fail, horrible as it sounds, otherwise SS will say that you are coping :confused:
     
  8. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    138
    Female
    Eastbourne
    No canary I haven't had carers in yet, he refuses to have any help hes very stubborn man, and yes I do let him fall as hes quite big and would take me with him if I tried to catch him. Really when you put it like that I quite appreciate maybe that we have to try other options , but he definitly wouldn't go to a day centre he hates anything like that hes a very private man, but I dont like him very much at the moment and just need to be on my own if only for a couple days
     
  9. ashtreex

    ashtreex New member

    Dec 16, 2018
    9
    Female
    London
    Pevensey, I know just how you feel - a somewhat similar marriage situation, and how I would love to be living on my own. Happy to see that perhaps things will work out better for you now. Perhaps Citizens Advice could help with funding advice? Or Alzheimers? I read in another post that what can really swing it is having to provide care at night so perhaps you can describe that.
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,189
    Female
    South coast
    I actually said fail - ss have to tick their little box to say that they have tried carers and it has failed.
    Many SWs see the reality, but they still have to go through this procedure.
     
  11. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    138
    Female
    Eastbourne
    I realized that after I read your post again canary Oooops, and when I say I let him fall it's when I'm next to him or very near him and I know it not where he can do any damage to himself, hes pulled me down with him a few times, hes got it off to a regime now when he does fall he shuffles on his bottom to the nearest chair and pulls himself up that way, can take a while but he gets there in the end, I cant pick him up hes too heavy and I'm not meant to lift heavy things after a major operation last year. It's a regime that works at the moment. Thankyou Canary take care
     
  12. Gladys1946

    Gladys1946 Registered User

    Feb 17, 2019
    24
    Don't ever feel bad about the horrible situation you're in. I feel exactly the same. I'm worried sick about the future if my OH has to have care either at home or in a care facility. I'm horrified that the LA can take half OHs occupational pension. Its frightening. It almost seems as if we're being punished for our OHs dementia. Like you, I would dearly love some "me" time. I go running when he's at Church and I sometimes run with tears streaming down my face. I get so fed up. I take OH to a men's group and the wives go into a separate room and we all just spend the afternoon either crying or ranting and sometimes laughing at the situations we're all in. The main topic of conversation is nearly always SS and finance. We can but hope that one day, they'll finally get round to sorting the social care budgets out with sympathy and understanding but I'm not holding my breath! We can but keep smiling and do our best in a horrible situation.
     
  13. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    138
    Female
    Eastbourne
    Thankyou Gladys 46, I really sympathise with you, and yes it's a situation that's never going to go away but just slowly get worse, in my OH case the last 3 months hes got 80/0 worse and absolutely nothing we can do about it. We always made a promise years ago after seeing our parents go into care that we would NEVER put either of us into a home, but I can feel myself getting poorly and my brain and body giving up and it scares me. And the pension he worked for all his younger life and anything else they decide to take is heartbreaking. But I need him to be safe and be somewhere save while hes such a danger to himself with all the falls hes having, I cant pick him up anymore. I go to bad at night and try not to go to sleep I read or go on my tablet because I dont want morning to come and another day starts all over again. But I'm rambling on and complaining here but I KNOW there are lots of other lovely people on here that are having a lot worse and at the end of there tether,, it's a heartbreaking situation and I send lots of
    Lover n Hugs to EVERYONE on here.
     
  14. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,340
    Good morning Pevensey, just caught up with your posts. this is the worst part, sorting out seems impossible.
    Think of it as the final push of getting ready before a holiday, keep the idea of the future like a carrot on a stick.
    Detached yourself mentally, like GrannieG, says. You have a job to do, imagine how to tackle it as if you are being paid. Keep cool, keep calm and keep on.
    Care homes are the best place, my experience of one i am having a fly on the wall stay in, is that it takes a team not one person to handle difficult people. Many are happier because they are secure.
    You are a brave person to have stuck it out.
    Tell him he will have a bevy of young girls to look to his needs, men seem to settle easier than women.
    Take care, it will not be long, it just seems it is at the time. Xxx
     
  15. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    138
    Female
    Eastbourne
    Good morning AliceA, thankyou it always means so much when all you lovely people come back and make me feel so much better. I've just found out yesterday that he can go into respite for 2 weeks starting on Tuesday, Dr wrote and rang SS, he could have gone today but I was in a state of shock really took me by surprise. So its 2 weeks and they will see how he is while hes there and see if he warrants staying permanent. Hes got hospital app tomorrow and he doesn't like that so I said I wanted to take him. I'm shocked that he hasn't made a big fuss and said NO because couple months ago I told him I need a break to bits my sister he said he would rather hang himself than go in a care home !!! Maybe because the Dr told him he listend more. But more weird is that the last few days he seems more relaxed, more chatty and his speech is bit better not so slurred. Makes me doubt myself of what I'm doing, his mobility is still VERY VERY bad though and nearly fell earlier, my panic attacks are still here. Will post on here in few days to say how he settles in. It's only about 15 mins from where we live so will be able see him everyday if need be.
     
  16. Gladys1946

    Gladys1946 Registered User

    Feb 17, 2019
    24
    Dear Pevensey, never ever doubt yourself. Easy to do, oh so easy. My son visited us the other week and remarked that he didn't think Dad was so bad! No, he was having a good day but then I wonder if I'm imagining those horrible days. Then reason kicks in and I know I don't. Dear son hardly ever sees his dad but myself and daughter live with it 24/7. So don't doubt yourself ever. As my DD says, we're doing a great job in a difficult situation. Let's be kind to us.
     
  17. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    138
    Female
    Eastbourne
    Thankyou and love n hugs Gladys 46, take care of yourself
     
  18. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    1,076
    Female
    Dorset
    Just remember Pevensey that you do NOT have to go and visit every day once OH gets into the Care Home!
    Let’s face it, you could decide never to visit again but that would probably be rather harsh. You are going to be busy enough labelling some clothing for him to find time to keep visiting.
     
  19. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,340
    Hi, Pevensey. Yes, do not be misled by the good days, I am I know. Then we think fine, I can manage. We cannot. Like you I got very teary at the slightest thing.
    I am coming to the end of respite, I have found great benefit, I will post more in Tea Shop.
    Two weeks seemed a long time it is not. I slept slept slept. Label what you can, take spares the home will probably do it. The place I used like enough for five days, they wash everyday.
    Whatever you do be vague about your plans to visit. Let the Carers take over. Take care. Xxx
     
  20. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    138
    Female
    Eastbourne
    Yes that's
    Banjomansmate, that's very true thankyou.
     

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