1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

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my head is telling me im right but my heart is not can anyone help

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by rainbow 54, Jul 5, 2006.

  1. rainbow 54

    rainbow 54 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2006
    Hi everyone i have just registered I am 54 with a 26year old son and 14year old daughter at home i also have my mother living with me for the past three years since she had a knee replacement three years ago after the op she fell out in the street with the physo and processed to have falls quite frequently but she was fine in any other way but since then she has got worse she has changed she has no interest in things she used to she was only meant to stay with me to get over the fall but she has never gone home my daughter has to sleep with me as she has the bedroom she walks with a shuffle and even though she is physicaly fit she has changed so much but it has been so slowly things she does now she would never have done i just dont know how to explain it, she never inputs into converstation she has a knack of not anwsering people questions saying so what have you done then and when i asked her what she talk about on the phone she says oh nothing really but i know she cant remember, also she was so particular about her self but she is putting her pinny on under her jumper and i she washes her self but not properly,if i have to go out i make a sandwich for her and leave it but when i come back she has forgot to eat it and yet another day she will make herself one, oh there is so much more but i dont want to bore you when i ask her about things but she denies them and say no i am perfectly ok she leave the hot water tap in my bathroom running and then say well i checked and it wasnt me and i say mum it was you she replys oh i dont do nothing right i am always in the wrong and when i try to explain why i am telling her she says oh im sorry and then continues to apologise.When i have taken her to the doctors she has a way of making things seems ok she will never admit to anything and i have spoken to the doctor about this but to no avail i just want to know is it me am i going mad i just want someone to confirm my fears that it is dementia and not me thats mad if anyone can help i am so sorry to go on and on there is so much more but i would write a book thanks so much for listening
  2. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006

    A day centre might help to give you a break and also help your mother to meet different people. Age Concern run them and Social Services might tell you about others. Sometimes Churches and community groups run clubs for older people.
    If your mother is getting worse, then you need to have an assessment, which takes time to arrange, so it would be better to start contacting the GP and Social Services now rather than leave it until you can't cope any more. Do you have any other relations who might give you some support or take your Mum out for the day? It can be very tiring looking after a dementia sufferer and you do need to take a break somehow or your own health will suffer.
  3. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Hello Rainbow

    You are having a very tough time of it right now, poor you.

    All I can suggest is seeing the doctor again, or another in the same practice, on your own, or with a relative or friend to back up what you say,and tell them exactly what is going on, then insist on a referral for your Mum to visit a specialist, she is obviously not well and the sooner the problem has a diagnosis the better for all of you.

    Stick to your guns and don't take no for an answer, you all deserve better than the stressful life you have at the moment.

  4. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Rainbow,
    It is so hard when you start to notice changes, but don't know what to do. When mum first mentioned to her GP that she was forgetful, his reply was 'it happens to all of us - she was in her 50's. Eventually I made an appointment to see the GP (a different one), and went and had a long talk with him on my own about my mum's behaviour. He then said to make her an appointment.
    Speak to the GP, have a list of things written down, insist that you would like mum to be referred.
    I am sure it is not you going mad; it may be dementia, but you need to get the doctor to listen to your concerns and refer mum for further tests.
    Don't worry about moaning on here - you are not, just expressing your concerns.
    Post whenever you feel like it.
    Love Helen.
  5. Zadok

    Zadok Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006

    I know just how you feel. The symptoms you describe are so familiar. Do see if you can get help again. Try writing to the doctor and sending it along before the appointment so he or she can see it before they see mum.
  6. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    Not mad!

    Hiya Rainbow

    Sorry to hear about your mum. Her symptoms sound just like my mum's. It took me a while to get the GP to listen to my concerns. Please persevere for your mum's sake and for your own. I found that once I knew what I was supposed to be doing in terms of social services etc, things started to click into place. For sure, mum's SW/CPN have been great and things are much more settled for mum than they were six months ago. If it is dementia, your mum will be finding it so frustrating and from experience with my mum, in complete denial that there's anything wrong. And then constant apologies and tears. I can't imagine what it must be like.

    Like the others have said, don't let things go too far that you feel you can't cope. Seek help and keep posting on here. For me, I think I'd have gone nuts without TP. The people and advice have been invaluable.

    Let us know how you get on. :)
  7. tedsmum

    tedsmum Registered User

    Jun 28, 2006

    I can remember so well being in your situation, at first you try to ignore whats going on because if you don't the future is too awful to contemplate. This is how I felt with my Dad I thought I just can't cope with this and my everyday life as well.
    Eventually the signs were just too obvious to ignore and I plucked up the courage to go to his GP who luckily is fantastic and got a referal to a hospital which set the ball rolling.
    I found the worst thing was having to explain to him why I was taking him to see people when to his mind there was nothing wrong with him.
    A year down the line he is now in an assesment unit waiting to see if he needs to be admitted to a nursing home.
    I know I did the right thing and as things progress you just sort of go with the flow and try to cope with each situation thats thrown at you.
    Please keep looking on the site as everyone understands how you feel because we have all been there.
    Take care


  8. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Rainbow

    It all sounds so familiar and no you are not going mad. As everyone has said a diagnosis is essential but getting one can be quite a struggle. Try to get your doctor to send for your mum for a routine check-up, this will put your mum off her guard and she is more likely to present herself in her true light and any half decent GP would see the need for a referral.

    You may be in for a long hard fight but don't give up you7 owe it to yourself and your mum. Keep in touch.


  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hearts and Heads

    Hi Rainbow.

    I`m so sorry you are having such a hard time with your mother.

    If you have time, try to keep a diary of things she says and does, that are inappropriate. It doesn`t have to be in detail, just the date, time and incident. I did this when my husband began showing signs of Dementia and went to see the doctor by myself, so I could discuss this without upsetting him. As soon as the doctor saw the diary, he knew something was wrong and suggested I make another appointment and go with my husband. We did this and treatment began from then.

    I hope this will help you.

    However much we try not to hurt, and don`t want to hurt, Dementia sufferers often become very selfish people. It isn`t their fault, they can only see life from their perspective and really don`t realize how difficult they make life for their Carers. Because of that we have to practce `tough love`. You have your children to think of too, and it must be difficult for them, seeing so much sadness.

    All the best.
    Regards Grannie G
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I went to a Diversity of services for people with Dementia and their families organised by my local Alzheimer’s society today.

    In the afternoon we had a talk from a woman that work for the memory clinic service, your issue came up about getting the doctor to listen to you ,as said above she said about writing your concerned down & keep pestering the doctor as they get fed up at the end and end up referring you to the elderly memory clinic ,she said she knows that it should not be like that but that how it seem to work ,she also said that you should ask for a blood test to rule out any other problem as in thyroids est.

    Good luck perseverance with the doctor is the name of the game, your not going mad nor is your mother
  11. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    Rainbow, you are not going mad but I think we all know what you mean. There certainly have been times when I have thought 'Is it me? Is he really Ok and me that is going round the bend?'
    As Margarita says, you need to get a written note of your mother's behaviour - keep a diary and just jot down anything she does that you feel is not quite right, like taps being on and her saying it wasn't her. Then see the doctor, and ask very firmly who is responsible for providing you with help in caring for your mother. It varies from place to place, but someone from Social Services, or a Community Psychiatric Nurse, should be allocated your mother's case. And then don't be stoical and brave and say you can cope, but ask often and loudly what help you can expect. If nothing else she should get Attendance Allowance, which is not a lot but might help in some way - perhaps it could pay for some help in the house, which would take some of the burden off you.
    Deep down, all the authorities want your mother to be care for by you, not them, so they will help but you often have to ask, sometimes quite loudly.
  12. rainbow 54

    rainbow 54 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2006
    To everyone for the kindness and advice

    Thank you to everyone that has given me advice it was so lovely to know people do understand, she has been to see a ederly medicine Doctor eighteen months ago which the hospital arranged because she kepted falling and as she had not long had her knee replacement they did not understand any way we saw the doctor who arranged blood test and also a tilt test because they thought it was low blood pressure, yes she did have low blood pressure but i knew that things were not right and tried to tell the doctor on his own i think there is something wrong with her memory and he just said oh just lets wait and see make another appoint ment and come back,cutting a long story short when i mentioned to Mum that we had to go back it was i dont want to go there is nothing wrong with me and to be quiet honest it took so much out of me to get her there because she is so unstable and nervous i just gave in and said ok it is the same with the o a p clubs of centre she does not want to go and gets this look of well i am not and just says oh i am quite happy reading what do i do wrong but i say mum it will be good for you and for me,then i get oh well i'll go home then thats what i'll do and sometimes i say ok then and then she changes and starts the oh what have i done and the sulking and does not want to talk about it anymore,as i have said she lives five minutes away from me even before she came here i used to go round everyday all day to be with her cook for her and do the garden and help with the house work and shopping but we still had a wonderful relationship i could still ask her advice and talk things over she has a lovely little house but will not go home and i cant make her because i will feel guilty. I know she has been through alot as i lost my sister seven years ago and then my dad six years ago with in a day of each other ,i used to go and help my mum for years previous because my dad had emphaysmia and could not do much , so i have been caring for nearly the last 11years but its been the last six years since my dad it has been worst oh here i go again poor me when i read what other carers have to do i have it quite easy with my mum,she still feeds her self and makes tea for her self and i can still go out to take my daughter to school and shopping ect,but i have notice with the washing now she is not doing it properly and putting on pinny under the jumper,just reading but is she i ask her what she is reading she say oh its about this and that sometimes i get a bit of the story but, all i can say its like instructing a child,asking do you want the t v on or the radio or do you want to come down stairs ect ect , i just know this is not my mum.Now today she seems ok talking about what is in the magazine and this is where i cant get my head around it.Once again thanks to you all.its is so nice to beable just to get it off my chestxx
  13. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    Home Help

    Dear Rainbow 54,
    If your mother will not go back to her own home (and it may not be safe for her to do so), would it help to sell her house, so that you could extend your own, or maybe sell both houses and buy a bigger home for you all to live in? It must be a huge worry for you, having a house standing empty for so long.
    We are letting my Mum's house out to help pay the NH fees, but it also means that some one is looking after the house for us. Now it is waiting for new tennants, I need to pop in every week, to check every thing is OK and the garden has required a lot of work to look decent, and not like a jungle.
    Thinking of you and I hope the authorities find a way of helping you soon.
  14. rainbow 54

    rainbow 54 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2006

    I am afraid its rented but it is our family house memories of my sister dad and grandchildren no its not dangerous there are good neighbours and as said i only live in the next road and used to spend nearly all the time there anyway.Like today she is fine reading mags and talking about what she is reading so far today so good. Thanks for trying to help most appreciated
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    God does that not pull on the heart strings as that what my mother use to say before being diagnosed with AD and I wanted mum to go to OP day centre I got mum to go at the end ,you just have to ring a social worker & she arrange for your mum to go to OP day centre . you got to take control of the situation or its going to drain you .

    Hope you do not mind me saying that ,but that how I was feeling Before mum was diagnosed with AD , but lucky you have this site

    what your feeling on asking for help from social worker in helping you get a referral to OP day centre ?
  16. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Rainbow

    I am currently battling with Mary to get her to go to a Day Centre, it is not easy.

    You must not beat yourself up so much, it seems that you are doing all you can and doing it well, so hang on to that thought and you may feel better.



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