My Grandma

RandomStudent

Registered User
Jul 7, 2006
4
29
Edinburgh, Scotland
www.myspace
My Grandma suffers very serious alzheimer's and has a for a long time.

I'm finding it really hard to deal with right now, specially when I'm young and am going through my own serious depression.

She's in a nursing home in Bancary I think.. She was in one in Ballater (where she lived) but they treated her really badly.

I've gotten to a point that I can't ever face visiting her without breaking down.

I noticed how bad it was when it was my Grandfather's funeral ( he was the only person I was close to in my whole family) and my Gran kept asking where her husband was, and he was obviously in the coffin in front of her.

I cried that whole day and no one ever comforted me. I spent days at school, cluctching onto a picture of him and no one talked to me.

I don't know how to deal with this all. My depression is getting worse, and I havent slept and ate properly in a long time. And I ruined my exams because I was too depressed to do anything.

My mum is going to kill me.
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
Firstly you need proper help
you need to explain to your Mum how this problem with your Gran makes you feel and how you have messed up your exams .......better now than later when results are out

Somehow you need to distance yourself from all this
Your Mum may be feeling equally upset about your grans state but feel unable to tell you

I guess your gran is not that old which makes it doubly hard however I lost my Grandfather when i was still at school and my daughters were only 10 and 12 when both their beloved Grandfathers died so its a pretty common situation

I am now watching my 90 yr old Mother sucumb to Dementia but both I and my daughters and even all the Grandchildren recognise she is very old , very frail and has been extremely difficult for a long time and that we all have to die of something
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Ok, take a deep breath. Now - make an appointment with your doctor. DO IT NOW!! Sorry to shout, but as a well medicated depressive, I can tell you you'll be no use to anyone if you don't get help for this. When it affects your sleeping (you sleep too little, or in my case too much) everything else will go down the tubes. This is your first priority, before your grandmother, before you deal with your mother's disappointment (and she may surprise you). Just in case you're concerned about "letting the side down" - my view is that depression is similar to diabetes. In both conditions part of you stops making the necessary chemicals. I'm not saying to have to be medicated, just as not all diabetics neeed insulin (that can sometimes be managed by diet), but if you need the medication, you need it. Get to a doctor, or a student health centre, or a mental health clinic (whatever is closest and most quickly available) and do it now. If everywhere is closed when you read this, AND you can wait until tomorrow, look online for your options and plan to go tomorrow, come hell or high water. If you can't wait (and by that, I mean if you think you might hurt yourself) look here:
http://www.wellscotland.info/contacts/immediate-help.html

Jennifer
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
NW England
Hello, Random student!

Agree with Helena about 'proper' help - but what is that? There is a lot more in your post than simply dealing with your grandma's current situation and how you feel about that.....

I wonder how old you are - not asking you to 'declare' it - but 'help' can come in different forms and perhaps surprisingly, sometimes the younger you are the more is available - even though it must never seem like it..... and often, because no-one bothers to tell you .....

You will have lots of support here when you need it

Hang on in there,

Love Karen (TF), x
 

mel

Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
1,656
62
Sheffield
Hi Random student
i agree with what's been said.....I've been taking anti depressants for a long time now and they really help....don't ignore the signs...you need to get some help from your GP
glad you found this site
Take care and see your GP asap!!
Love
Wendy
 

mojofilter

Registered User
May 10, 2006
130
St.Helens
I've had to combine studying with the decline in my mothers health and extra workload that caring for her as caused. I know that our situations aren't the same because I was a mature student but I just wanted to tell you that your teachers/school will want to work with you and I'm sure they'll offer you as much help and support as they can.

My college was great, they let me study at home for the last year of my B.A. (Hons)... allowed me to hand in all of my work on the last day possible ( that meant that I ended up getting an extra month to get my work in). Without the support of my tutors I would have been forced to re-sit my final year, but I managed to get my work handed in and was awarded a 2.1(which I'm very happy about).

I was also on anti depressants but I decided that they weren't for me BUT I'm know on a herbal "anti depressant" and I'm much happier on those.

The hardest part of getting help is actually admitting that you have a problem and then asking for help.... I know because I've been there.

Good luck,

Paul
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Random Student.
Welcome to TP, sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment. You are going through a really tough time, with grandma ill, grandad dying, and school exams. It will pass; it will get better - you have to ride out the storm. As others say there are people who can help. Is there someone at your school you can talk to, or a best friend? Have you an auntie or uncle you could confide in? Is there a local church? Don't forget there is ChildLine, this caters for all young people in the UK (not just young children) - there number is 08001111 - you can talk to their counsellors about anything.
Find someone to share your problems with. Remember, this is only a bad patch, you will get through it, life will improve.
Post on here whenever you feel like it. There are lots of lovely people, probably with children or grandchildren your age. We'd love to hear from you.
Love Helen
 

RandomStudent

Registered User
Jul 7, 2006
4
29
Edinburgh, Scotland
www.myspace
Just to let everyone know.. I'm 15 years old.

I've seen two different Gp's, I've had a councillor, I've had a student nurse, talked to my guidance teacher (at my old school.. I recently moved to a different one), I've talked to my new guidance teacher...

I really want anti-depressants to be honest but no one has suggested that they would work for me. There the only thing I have left.

Everything has just gone wrong.

I've had many suicide attempts, I self harm a lot. I'm just this big stupid mess.

My Gran and Granpa were the only people who thought I could become something. They were the only people I know who saw me like no one else did. Now that their gone, (well my Granma is technically gone) no one compliments me, no one tells me I can do something.

I don't see a point in life anymore.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Oh sweetie. you're in a tough situation. Look, my DS (now 17, and back on track thank goodness) went through a period of cutting, and I know there's not a lot an outsider (or a parent for that matter) can say. I know it seems like it calms you down, but it's never the answer. Being a teenager can stink at the best of time, and and at the worst, well, there is probably nothing worse. I assume you feel you can't talk about this to your parents? So be it. Amy gave you the number for childline. Get off the computer and call it now - I can assure you that nothing you can say to them will be new, but you need immediate help. Incidentally, when you talk to these people or a counselor, do not do the "brave face" thing - you have to be very open about your difficulties.

Jennifer

P.S. And if, by the wildest chance, you happen to be a troll (and it happens) well you have other problems, and you need help for those.
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Random Student,
Hey love, you are the same age as one of my son's. I know how difficult he finds me at the moment - lots of rows.
Your Gran still loves you; somewhere she is still in there, loving you. She just cannot communicate it any more.When someone we love is dying form dementia it is so hard to watch them disappearing, the pain just goes on and on. It is upsetting when we visit them in a Nursing Home - I know I often cry when I drive away from my mum, and I am meant to be a tough 'grown up'.
Keep talking to people, you sound to be doing all the right things. Well done.
When was it that your granpa died? What did you used to enjoy doing with him?
I'm sure he is still keeping an eye on you!
Things will get better - I know that it may not feel that way at the moment.
Remember the Child Line number that I gave you; you can phone them anytime.
Take care love,
Helen
 

mel

Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
1,656
62
Sheffield
Hi again Random student,
You are the same age as my daughter...
You have been through such a lot recently...first, your grandad died,then you find you've "lost" your grandma too,then you've changed schools,then you've "messed up" your exams....wow...thats a lot to cope with!
As far as your exams go....are they your GCSE,s?....at 15 I assume you could nearly be 16....if so....you can re-sit them...and I'm sure your mum won't kill you!!!
my daughter was very depressed when her grandad died (last year) and she discovered how ill her grandma was with dementia.......the way she coped.?..she talked ......to anybody and everybody who would listen....If you feel you have no-one there are plenty of people on here who will listen....BUT I really do urge you to take Helen's advice and phone childline or even the samaritans please
Take care,love
Let us know how you get on please
Love
Wendy
x
 

Áine

Registered User
Feb 22, 2006
994
sort of north east ish
RandomStudent said:
My Gran and Granpa were the only people who thought I could become something. They were the only people I know who saw me like no one else did. Now that their gone, (well my Granma is technically gone) no one compliments me, no one tells me I can do something.
hi random :)

this sounds really tough for you. BUT ...... it's your grandparents that are gone ... NOT their vision for you. They believe/d you could become something ..... you CAN become something. It's them that are gone, not your potential. Things might get delayed a bit if you've screwed up your exams recently. Not surprising really ... you've had a tough time and a lot of change by the sounds of it. But at 15 you've got time to retake and get back on track.

good luck with it, stuck around, we're here for you

Áine
 

Michael E

Registered User
Apr 14, 2005
619
Ronda Spain
P.S. And if, by the wildest chance, you happen to be a troll (and it happens) well you have other problems, and you need help for those. reply with quote
P.S. And if, by the wildest chance, you happen to be a troll (and it happens) well you have other problems, and you need help for those.
 

magkeewest

Registered User
RandomStudent said:
My Grandma suffers very serious alzheimer's and has a for a long time.

I'm finding it really hard to deal with right now, specially when I'm young and am going through my own serious depression.

She's in a nursing home in Bancary I think.. She was in one in Ballater (where she lived) but they treated her really badly.

I've gotten to a point that I can't ever face visiting her without breaking down.

I noticed how bad it was when it was my Grandfather's funeral ( he was the only person I was close to in my whole family) and my Gran kept asking where her husband was, and he was obviously in the coffin in front of her.

I cried that whole day and no one ever comforted me. I spent days at school, cluctching onto a picture of him and no one talked to me.

I don't know how to deal with this all. My depression is getting worse, and I havent slept and ate properly in a long time. And I ruined my exams because I was too depressed to do anything.

My mum is going to kill me.[

Hello Randomstudent. I am touched by your concern and I am a senior citizen looking after my mother who is acting in the same way as your grandmother, so it does not matter that you are young or that I am old, it is the time for you to tighten up on becoming a 'tough' boy. Visiting her is not the same as living with her (as I do) 24 x7. Nevertheless you can arrive fresh with all the young knowledge you have. Just THINK about any IDEA OR NEW INNOVATION that only you can detect by knowing your grandmother.

Here are some tips that work for me after a long slog:

I no longer mention my father's name, nor speak about the things they did as it seems to exacerbate my mother into asking where he is. After about 2 years, my mother sees my husband (aged nearly 70, sitting in an armchair watching television) and 'assumes' it is my father. In fact any male anywhere who has white hair is a target for my mum.

My husband takes her to the supermarket. She insists on pushing the trolley, but my husband pulls it from the front. He tells her to wait with the trolley in the main isle while he goes up and down the side isles. When he returns she has always hooked onto a male with white hair. Now we just laugh which hides the tears (knowing the reason why she is still searching for someone who is no longer with us).

Here's the most recent tip, ideal for you youngsters. Try it out on your next visit. For a first trial just download onto a cheap MP3 (aRGOS £20) 1 or 2 cds (could be available by order in local library). What you downlload is extremely important and must work for your Grandmother first time - to impress her. So think carefully about what year it was when she was between 15 - 25 years of age. Look for those particular CDs. and make a particular effort to personalise them to HER preference, not yours.

For instance, my story is that my grandfather in Londonplayed the piano, practically all day, in a honkie tonkie fashion. My mother aged 20 -30 sang solo soprano (church music in latin, ave maria, etc). Therefore I have in the car cassettes which play all the "knees up" music but also I have recently gleaned success with Catherine Jenkins (young welsh soprano), but especially Nana Miscouri (who sings popular older songs). Just watch my mums face and it says i all. Now if we want her to be calmed down and happy we dash around looking for the MP3, renewing battery every few days. She saunters off down the garden swaying to and fro with her favourite sounds. Now my husband complains as he gets carried away with the bl* television and Mum with her MP3 is singing out loud to the songs she loves. You have to laugh!

Next tip
THINK about what your grandmother liked doing when she was your age. If you don't know, then ask around your family, or guess.
I remember as a child that family had laughed at my Mum because she won a swimming contest at school but left the prize cup on a 52 tram between Vauxhall and Victoria. So this month's challenge has been THE SWIMMING POOL. I could go myself, but found that my caring neighbour (who walks my Mum for a small fee) also likes swimming. Yesterday my Mum swam 2 lengths, or it could have been 2 widths. Either is absolutely delightful.

Tip
I say, mum count up to twenty and I'll be back. And she does. It works each time.

So randomstudent, toughen up your emotions which of course are so genuine. Instead search for ideas and keep searching. Learn how to drive, take your Nan for a ride in a car and have her singing to the music of her years which you have divised. You will never regret these moments, ever.

My next endeavour is to research the walkie talkie baby monitor thingies, as I get up 2 or 3 times in the night when I hear my Mum. But sometimes she is so quiet that she gets up to mischief (rearranges the bedroom but really looking for the loo) before I arrive. I am working out that hearing her is not enough. If I get a monitor where she can hear my voice she should be comforted and will wait 30 seconds until I reach her.

So that is it RS. Take stock that if you had your grandmother at home with you, it is 24 x 7 and you definitely would never get any revision, nor exams done. Your granmother needs you to SUCCEED (in exams). Do your exams for her. Get smart, get clever and think up many other IDEAS for her that I have not found out yet.

Last thing is a MUST. With Alzheimers the magic word is NOW. That is NOW, NOW, NOW, not 5 seconds ago. Everything to do with past or future, albeit important should be put aside while you are WITH your grandmother. Hold her hand (even put on some cream and gently massage her hands too) and start with the following "My name is Randomstudent and I am your grandson who loves you very much. I am (sixteeen) years of age and am aiming to be a wise student and am doing exams at school, bla, bla.

Good luck. I would like to know if you PUT THIS INTO PRACTICE.
Mag
original Londoner
 

jarnee

Registered User
Mar 18, 2006
181
leicestershire
Randomstudent

Amazing advice from Mag....I have learned some tips (Thanks, Mag) I especially like the "count to 20" one...I'll try that

Go for it RS ......sounds to me like you've got a good heart. I find doing things for others makes me feel better...I hope you will too

Jarnee
XXX
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
NW England
RandomStudent said:
My Gran and Granpa were the only people who thought I could become something. They were the only people I know who saw me like no one else did. Now that their gone, (well my Granma is technically gone) no one compliments me, no one tells me I can do something.
Well, can I be one to compliment you? Look what you have already shown by coming here...... look at your PC skills for a start, your ability to express yourself so well, but more importantly showing the honesty and courage to admit to having problems and seeking help.... then there is the obvious love, care and concern for your grandparents - which has clearly been mutual. There is such terrible pressure at your age to 'become something' - I would say you already ARE. You are a caring young person. As my son faces his teenage years, of course I would love for him to achieve exam successes but more importantly I want him to be a good, honest, caring, conscientious young man....

I hope you've already managed to take up some of the advice offered here. One other avenue of help which may be very relevant to you is www.There4me.com. It's an on-line source of support run by the NSPCC specifically for teenagers and about ANY issue which may be troubling you.....

Do let us know how you are,

Love, Karen (TF), x
 

RandomStudent

Registered User
Jul 7, 2006
4
29
Edinburgh, Scotland
www.myspace
Amy said:
When was it that your granpa died? What did you used to enjoy doing with him?
I'm sure he is still keeping an eye on you!
QUOTE]

He died in October a couple of years ago.. October the 20th I think. I wet to stay with my auntie in Ballater for the holiday I have then, and I was going to visit him in hospital the very next day nad he was really looking forward to seeing me.

The last thing I heard him say was him shouting down the phone at my mum because he gave me £40 at my cousins wedding and I just thought that that was just for me to buy anything, he never told me that he wanted me to use it to go to Grandie (I call my Grandma Grandie and my Granpa Ga-Ga, they never let me call them anything else).

And also, now my childhood house is gone. We had to sell it to get money for my Gran. I got no inheritance. My step family of my Granpa's side took loads of my Gran's stuff that wasn't theres and stole all her really expensive jewellery as for every annerversary, my Granpa would buy my Gran a real gold necklace etc.

I did get to have the dollshouse my Granpa took together but it's with my auntie at the moment as I can't collect it yet.

Oh and he's not really looking down at me as well.. I believe when your dead your dead.

I did rwite a song about him called October for my old high school as they had this record label that came in. I wrote all the lyrics and other people did the music and I sang in it and we recorded like a proper song. Then they lost all the files but at least I still have the cords and the lyrics.
 

PatH

Registered User
Feb 14, 2005
301
76
N.Ireland
Random Student,
Having read your posts, as a grandparent I am extremly concerned about you. I have a 15yr old grandson and I am aware of the great sense of loss that this Ad has caused him.
You have been given lots of advice by caring friends on this forum, all I ask is that you keep talking face to face with either your new doctor ,teacher etc. They may not seem to help straight away but with time you might learn to deal with all your personal issues as well as your Grans AD.
I am so sorry that you are suffering so much pain.
Pat