My grandfather passed away, he was my nans comfort blanket.....

[LOU_JONES]

2 weeks ago my grandfather died, he was poorly but it was a shock.
My nan forgets and asks about him daily - when we tell her she gets terribly upset, it's awful, if we say "we don't know" where he's got to she seems to accept it. The funeral is Wednesday and everyone we have spoken to has said she should be there despite my uncle (her son) saying he doesn't want her there.

We need to move her into a care home as she can't live alone - doesn't cook, clean, bath etc - my mum has stayed there since my grandfather passed away but it's not definite she has her own home. Although she can be there daytimes.

How do we choose a carehome? My nan has her own home and some savings which is for her care but what happens when the money runs out?
Care homes are so expensive.
Social services are of no help at all.

We are worried about what happens to my nan if there is no more money left.

We also have a family argument where my uncle wants to find somewhere 'cheap' 200 miles away but that would mean we can't visit her. He won't communicate and now we are stuck with the dilemma of trying to find a home but him not agreeing.

 

[jknight]

2 weeks ago my grandfather died, he was poorly but it was a shock.
My nan forgets and asks about him daily - when we tell her she gets terribly upset, it's awful, if we say "we don't know" where he's got to she seems to accept it. The funeral is Wednesday and everyone we have spoken to has said she should be there despite my uncle (her son) saying he doesn't want her there.

We need to move her into a care home as she can't live alone - doesn't cook, clean, bath etc - my mum has stayed there since my grandfather passed away but it's not definite she has her own home. Although she can be there daytimes.

How do we choose a carehome? My nan has her own home and some savings which is for her care but what happens when the money runs out?
Care homes are so expensive.
Social services are of no help at all.

We are worried about what happens to my nan if there is no more money left.

We also have a family argument where my uncle wants to find somewhere 'cheap' 200 miles away but that would mean we can't visit her. He won't communicate and now we are stuck with the dilemma of trying to find a home but him not agreeing.

Bless you. What a horrid situation. Have you come across 'love lies'? It's where you tell white lies to save distress. Every time you tell your nan the truth, it is as if she is hearing it for the first time and will be very distressed. If saying 'I don't know' satisfies her then carry on saying it (at work, out shopping, on holiday could also work)
Your nan is entitled to an assessment by Social Services (as are you entitled to a carer's assessment) She will have to self fund until the money falls below the current threshold and then the LA will pay. I guess you will need to work with SS to ensure any home you choose will be funded by the LA once nan's money has dropped below the threshold.
I can't offer any advice about the funeral other than what would your nan want?
Sending you hugs at such a difficult time xxx

 

[Pickles53]

You don't have to involve SS if you know (or can find out) your nan's financial situation, but you would need Lasting Power of Attorney for both finance and health & welfare to make decisions on her behalf and pay the bills. If you need more information about LPA do post again. It is tricky though if your uncle has a different view as he as well as your mum/dad would be an obvious person to have LPA. Does he want your nan to move closer to him so it's nearer to where he lives? Maybe this has to be resolved before you can take your ideas any further.

Assuming you can resolve the family dispute, and are looking for a care home within reach, if your nan would be self-funding for a reasonable amount of time, there is no reason not to approach a home directly, and they will make their own assessment. Ask them about what would happen when nan's own funds ran out. My mum's care home had a guarantee that after 3 years residence they would then accept the LA rate, so she would never have had to move out for financial reasons.

SS are better in some areas than others. In my mum's area they were totally uninterested in helping any self-funders, but having read others' experiences here I have come to the conclusion that we were better off without them.

 

[mancmum]

In this situation you may need to be a little more honest

There is a point at when someone has enough intellectual capacity to work out that someone is not there - routines have changed, life is different - but is not able to remember the death.

I can only say what we did. We wrote this information on a memory board. There were things my dad needed to do to prepare for the funeral etc and it would have been wrong to cut him out. After the funeral his care arrangements changed but he still had the board and on it the order of service. We explained that his brain is getting old and he was not remembering everything. We were positive about their time together. Positive that he had looked after her for as long as he could. Positive that he had dialled 999 and moved the car so the ambulance could get in.

Gradually over a period of about six weeks - 3 months he absorbed the information, although he has no idea of how she died etc etc. I am sure there were days when he woke up and felt she was there, or hoped she was there - and even those without dementia can have that experience so do not necessarily decide you will isolate your grandmother from that.

He doesn't remember the funeral and I do wish there had been a photograph because the church was full and that would have been important. I would urge you to take a picture of the funeral. If you never use it, it doesn't matter.