My Grandfather has vascular dementia

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by witsend93, Aug 23, 2019.

  1. witsend93

    witsend93 New member

    Aug 23, 2019
    Hello everyone,
    I'm new to this forum, my husband and I have been caring for my 88 year old Grandfather on a live in basis for nearly two years with our almost three year daughter living with us all too. He lived in a house in Somerset with my Grandmother for forty years until she passed away a decade ago and left him living on his own with only a cleaner popping in twice a week.
    Following a fall and incidents of getting lost in a town which he had always been familiar with, also he nearly burned the house down falling asleep and leaving a pan on the hob, we decided as a family to take him from there and move him to Wales to be close to us and my mother. He agreed to appoint us LPA for property and finances so we could assist with selling his home in Somerset and purchase something suitable for him in Wales with ground floor facilities etc.
    It quickly became apparent that his finances were in ruin and needed a lot of tidying up and he had been ripped off multiple times by companies etc. His mobility is very poor and he can now only walk a few yards with the help of a zimmer frame.
    Following an assessment it became clear that he would not be safe to live independently with only the available care calls in the area, we offered to move in with him to assist with shopping, laundry, cooking, and general keeping an eye on things. The house we decided to purchase on his behalf is suitable to comfortably accommodate all of with essentially us living upstairs and him having all of the ground floor facilities including ground floor bathroom and bedroom.
    Skip forward to now, he has been diagnosed with vascular dementia which we all suspected due to the following behaviours, wandering outside to the edge of the road and forgetting how he got there or how to get back, verbal aggression which my husband and I have to deal with on a daily basis f'ing and blinding over any minute thing and blaming us for his ailments, incontinence - have been up in the early hours of the morning cleaning up ungodly mess, trawling though draws and cupboards and coming up with fantasy accusations, found him attempting to prepare his own breakfast wielding a meat cleaver to cut a grapefruit in half, hallucinations of our cat traumatising him in the night when he was in fact locked outside, short-term memory practically non existent, leaving taps running and I could go on.
    In a nut shell, we agreed to care for him at home for as long a reasonably possible as he didn't wish to go straight to a care home, I have a degree to study, my husband has a work from home IT job, and I have consequently had a nervous breakdown with all the pressure. I'm not sleeping and having regular panic attacks.
    I sorted him with respite last week which is due to end on August 31st, we decided that it was too much for me to take on again as I need space to get my head back to good level especially with my young daughter to prioritise. The local care home who are familiar with him, very good and highly sought after here have offered him a permanent space in October and meet all of his needs.
    He won't hear of it, not even consider it, and now has a vendetta against me and is telling everyone including social services that I only want him out so I can bag his house.
    I'm so hurt, stressed and upset and just feeling like packing up my family and running far away.
    Social services have insisted that he has capacity to make the decision and are bring him back here with only a morning and evening call per day.
    I told them that I cannot be here when he gets back as I am truly frightened of him at this stage and can no longer subject my family to the abusive behaviours, it's driving us all mad.
    I have argued that they are deliberately placing him in a vulnerable situation and the whole family and all carers involved totally agree. This man still says he can drive the car he sold three years ago, and will do his food shopping by taxi. He can't even safely make a cup of tea.
    What can I do? Any advice totally appreciated, we're at our wits end!

    Thanks in advance.
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    How would you feel about telling SS you will not be available when your grandfather is returned home? Since the SS says he has capacity (I wonder how they arrived at that conclusion?), it should be alright.

    Would you be able to manage to get away for the first week your grandfather is back? I know this sounds heartless but SS and other authorities must be made aware that he is not capable.
  3. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    I agree. I have read other posters on here who have made the decision to step back, because this is the only way that SS get the full picture of what is really happening. All the time family members are filling in the gaps with caring, then my experience is that authorities won't do anything. I would work on the fact that your young child would be subjected to abusive behaviour and language, which may be a child protection issue in itself. I'm not suggesting by that ,that you're deliberately putting your child at risk of course. Hopefully others will be along soon with better advice
  4. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    I agree.You need to step back.In my experience SS are useless at assessing capacity.Let the carers take over as they have Duty of Care.(I have a post on here with SS somewhere).My Dad (86) has VD and acts like a spoilt child quite a lot .Manipulative too.I have taken 10days off to be frank,away from him.He is always going on about getting in the car and driving..No chance as he can only do 8steps with a gutter frame.Plus he lost his licence after a stroke.But I haven’t told him that.If you have LPOA can you not ask his GP to do a capacity test?
  5. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    What an awful situation @witsend93

    I have had experience of caring for toddlers and an 88yr old with VD so I know it doesn't work.

    Personally I think your priorities have to lie with your daughter. As far as your grandfather is concerned he has nothing wrong with him, so obviously everything must be your fault. This isn't denial, his damaged brain is unable to comprehend that there is a problem.

    What I don't understand is how SS think it's ok that all your lives be disrupted and your child's wellbeing compromised. It's not. And it is a safeguarding concern with a young child involved and your grandfather's aggression and lack of hygiene. You could use this argument to SS.

    If this doesn't work then I agree with the others that the only way to get SS to take action may be to step back and refuse to engage at all in your grandfather's care which I imagine will be very difficult living in the same house. Is there anyway you could move out for a while?
  6. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    I absolutely agree with other posters. Your own health and your family’s welfare (especially that of your daughter) must come first. You have done everything you can so far, but now your grandfather needs more care than any of you can realistically provide.
    The practical problem probably is....what can you do so that your grandfather’s needs become more apparent to the powers that be? Is there anywhere you can go? I know it will be difficult to leave him alone but you have to make it clear that you’re at the end of your tether - and that your daughter is potentially at risk and your primary responsibility is to keep her safe.
    Sending you (((hugs)))
    Keep posting
    Lindy xx
  7. Buttercup Rainbow

    Buttercup Rainbow New member

    Aug 24, 2019
    Hello Witsend93 and everyone .....
    All I can say is do what is best for you and your young family.
    I am new to this forum also, I am tired, stressed and my head is going to explode.
    We have cared for my father in law for a year and a half now he has VD ( along with multiple other health problems). My husband has POA.
    He wanted to stay in his rented flat 110 miles away from our home. He has no short term memory and frequently has thought that the middle of the night is day time and can phone us up multiple times day and night but cannot communicate clearly.
    We have supported this, with twice daily social care for personal hygiene, meal on wheels lunch and tea and private cleaners twice a week to keep on top of the house work. The flat is fall and trip roofed with no sharp corners.Then we visit once a week, to top up the cupboards and check all is as it should be. I also maintain a book with in out expenses.
    Two weeks ago after numerous falls( as he will not use a Zimmer frame), spending the night on the floor ( as he will not wear the help button) naked, he was admitted to hospital.
    Now he is not communicating, incontinent, unable to stand or weight bear, not eating or drinking adequate amounts,hallucinating and not caring at all for his personal hygiene. He also does not know he is in hospital, thinks the hospital is a hotel.
    Seen by the social worker on the discharge team, assessment for MCA and they have declared him capable of making decisions for himself. They state he can go home, all done without his POA present and to top it all apparently he has told them we are not looking after him well and with misusing his money. So we have been referred to adult safe guarding.
    We are both now deflated, frustrated and feel like throwing the towel in.
    Tomorrow we plan to write and complain to PALS and social care.
  8. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    If as they say he is deemed to have capacity,then they will have to deal with the consequences...You need to step back and let the fall out begin.As carers we always want to make sure that the person with PWD is safe/cared for.But what actually happens is that the PWD ends up not being safe....from themselves.SS have duty of care ,alongside the GP..I'm sorry that you are having a hard time.I have taken 10 days away from my dad,because quite frankly he has been driving me insane.The carers will have to deal with any problems for once,instead of me.There is plenty of food .S S always seem to say everyone has "capacIty" even though he clearly doesn't! Good luck!
  9. witsend93

    witsend93 New member

    Aug 23, 2019
    Hi everyone,
    Firstly thank you all very much for all of the advice and support. It means a lot, and hearing about other peoples stories and struggles with this disease makes us feel less alone. We're pleased to hear that you all feel the same as we do re putting our daughter and own sanity first and let the professionals take over. I am sorry that you have been in similar predicaments too, it is so draining in every way! TNJJ - yes! My Grandfather is exactly like this too, he acts like a spoiled child and manipulates us all. The things he says to my Mum when we're not around makes my blood boil! Buttercup rainbow I am so sorry you are going through that, sounds horrendous! I cannot believe SS keep deeming people to have capacity to make decisions yet completely ignore the fact that those decisions are not based on logic or reason and often do not represent the persons best interest. Best of luck with it and hopefully it won't take anything too drastic to make them realise their error! So updates are that my Grandfather has become increasingly open and receptive to the idea of going to a care home soon. We have been visiting him where he is having respite once a day (as much as I really don't feel like going) it has helped to make him see that just because he's in a home, he will still see his family regularly and he won't be abandoned. The bore is, the home he is currently in and familiar with have just told us that they cannot accept him full time as he already has a diagnosis and they do not have a dementia facility. I have a plan B and he's been offered a permanent place at another local care home which has a dementia unit. The room will be ready in 3 weeks! So chipping away at him before SS visit him again on Tuesday next week to check his decision again (I insisted). The husband and I are planning on taking a cheap and cheerful busmans holiday abroad for 2 weeks just to let the reality of him being at home without us set in. I can't help feeling cruel but we've been backed into a corner so don't feel like we have much choice. Will keep everyone posted.

    Best wishes to all x
  10. Buttercup Rainbow

    Buttercup Rainbow New member

    Aug 24, 2019
    Good luck and best wishes to you all.
    My husband & I have decided to step back from his Father. We have done our best and given him so much, but cannot do anymore. Social services can pick up the, the consequences.
  11. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    Hi.That is all you can do.Make sure that SS and your FIL don’t try and guilt trip you.All the best.
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hello @Buttercup Rainbow ans welcome to DTP.

    Its sad that things have to get to the stage where we have to step back before SS will see the problem.
    I think that SW didnt know much about dementia - accusations of people mistreating them and stealing from them is so common its almost diagnostic. I think you have made the right choice by standing back and hopefully the safeguarding team will be more knowledgable (Im assuming that you have bank statements etc to prove where his money has gone)
  13. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    I’m glad you’ve decided to step back @witsend93 and hope you enjoy your holiday. Hopefully SS will see sense and step up to the mark quickly!

    Hello @Buttercup Rainbow. Welcome from me too. As canary says, accusations of theft are common from PWD, and anyone familiar with the disease will realise this. I hope you stay strong and let SS discover for themselves the true picture. I’m not surprised you’re feeling frustrated - I’d be furious!
  14. Buttercup Rainbow

    Buttercup Rainbow New member

    Aug 24, 2019
    #14 Buttercup Rainbow, Aug 25, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2019
    Thank you for listening and supporting me.
    All of my Father in law’s paper work is up to date and filed in chronological order...their is absolutely nothing to hide ( He actually has more money now than when we started to care for him).
    The book I keep (just like a house keeping book) is again up to date, as I sit once a week and keep a written log of what has happened and expense’s...I even note down my mileage!
    Take care everyone and keep up the good work as this is hard.x.

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