My Grandad is officially dying, and I haven't reacted this time

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by KCC1993, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. KCC1993

    KCC1993 Registered User

    Sep 27, 2018
    11
    So I recently posted about my frustration with the unknown and how dementia is so unpredictable, and how I once grieved thinking my Grandad was on his last legs, but he's been going strong with some really good days for months.

    Then last week he took a turn for the worse and has deteriorated quite dramatically over the past week. He is no longer speaking, he stares in a daze and his legs have turned white, I suppose where the blood circulation is no longer reaching them :( his breathing has also become irregular. The nurses have said that it might be his heart that gives up, and are shocked now that he is still alive. He is receiving palliative care and medication to calm him as he was also quite agitated. My mum and aunty and uncle are with him now, and staying with him over night to wait for the inevitable. He is such a fighter.

    I just wonder if anyone can relate to how I am feeling - I feel like I haven't reacted as much this time round. I've kept myself busy, even went to work today with whats going on and was productive all day, with a brave face on as if everything is normal. I am going to butlins in a few days (my best friends are taking me and my husband away for the weekend as a wedding present - not the best timing) and I suppose I am acting like everything is ok... packing for a holiday that I am going to have to put on a brave face for and try to enjoy. I don't know what to feel, it hasn't sunk in and i'm kind of just running on this energy and i've even laid my clothes out ready for work tomorrow...

    Is this a normal part of the grieving process or has it just not sunk in yet? I have all the proof that my Grandad is in fact dying this time, and he probably only has hours or days to live, yet I just can't seem to get it in my head.

    So weird :(
     
  2. Normaleila

    Normaleila Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    472
    Hi. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel. You've already grieved for him to some extent. And you're also in an in-between time, where you're processing this gradually. No one can tell you how to react or what to feel. I wish you well.
     
  3. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Volunteer Host

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,646
    Female
    Kent
    Hi, @KCC1993, when my husband was dying someone said to me, there is no right or wrong way of grieving, it is how it is, for each person. If this is your first bereavement, then you have the added factor that you have no experience to draw on. Usually when something happens in our lives, we relate it to past experience and process it, but this is such a big thing, and may be happening for the first time.
    You need to do whatever feels right for you. It sounds as if your mum has a good support network in place, and there will be plenty of opportunities in the future for you to help and offer support to her.
     
  4. KCC1993

    KCC1993 Registered User

    Sep 27, 2018
    11
    hi, thank you for your kind message. I think I just didn’t want to believe it was happening so I didn’t allow myself to grieve. My dear grandad passed away in the early hours of this morning so I will be taking the day off work to grieve with my family, let my feelings catch up with me and be there for my mum. Heartbroken x
     
  5. KCC1993

    KCC1993 Registered User

    Sep 27, 2018
    11
    hiya, thank you for your message. This is the second bereavement I have been through (my other grandad passed away a few years back) and I remember I coped in a similar way back then, I went to work on the day I found out as if all was normal and ended up breaking down at work. I won’t make the same mistake this time. My grandad has sadly passed away in the early hours of this morning so I will allow myself to grieve and will be there for my mum. When it came down do it I always knew I would be there for her. I think it’s because I needed to be strong for her that I’ve been so grounded with it and put on a brave face. When in reality I’m heartbroken. X
     
  6. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Volunteer Host

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,646
    Female
    Kent
    I’m so sorry to hear about your Grandad. It’s good that you can take the day off and be with your mum. It’s horrible, really horrible, losing someone, but when I look back on the times I have been bereaved, I remember the special way our family drew close together...and I hope you make some good memories today too.
     
  7. Gingercatlady

    Gingercatlady Registered User

    Aug 7, 2017
    38
    I identify so much with your post, it's almost the same as when I lost my beloved Nana. Be with your family and support each other, I think when I look back on it that I had cried so much before she died that when she actually did I had been through the crying stage of grieving, and was somewhere else altogether, a kind of numb stage of adjustment to living without her.

    It's right that we are all different and as such we grieve in different ways, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to process this situation your own way. Don't worry what anyone else thinks, I was told off by a cousin for not crying, I put that down to guilt as I was there with nana and she wasn't.

    I wish you well and send my condolences.
     
  8. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    1,310
    Female
    East Midlands
    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandad & glad that he has found peace at last.
    There is a lot of anticipatory grief with dementia & sometimes with so many rallies & declines etc then you sort of get numb to it all but it is normal.
    Sending you big hugs x
     
  9. J53

    J53 Registered User

    Oct 9, 2018
    11
    My heart goes out to you at this time it's not nice seeing a loved one so I'll, I have experienced similar but that was cancer, my friend recently lost her mum to dementia and the amount of times she was taken aside and told the end is near is laughable she went through this for 2 years until she finally caught a chest infection which then took her i am now goingnthrough all this with my father just sit back and think what they would say about you going away? My dad would say have a pint for me. Hope this helps x
     
  10. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    112
    Female
    So sorry for your loss, take care of yourself.
     
  11. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    265
    Hello there KCC My condolences to the passing of your granddad. There are no rules on how we should deal with grief because we are all individuals and deal with grief how we can. Over the next few days, weeks, months and even years you may find you go through a roller coaster of emotions but there again you may not. You may find something so simple may set of a wave of grief ( Not in the same calibre of your situation I know but 8 months after having my very dear horse put to sleep I saw swedes in ASDA and just burst into tears in the middle of the aisle and walk out abandoning my trolley :) ).

    I wish you and your family strength and love at this sad time but I hope you find peace that your granddad is now at peace and that in time you can look back at memories and smile.
    )))hugs(((( xx
     
  12. KCC1993

    KCC1993 Registered User

    Sep 27, 2018
    11
    I totally can relate... It does draw the family closer together. Me and my family all sat together yesterday evening, listening to songs that reminded us of grandad and had a drink for him. It was lovely. Thanks again for your message
     
  13. KCC1993

    KCC1993 Registered User

    Sep 27, 2018
    11
    thank you for your message x
     
  14. KCC1993

    KCC1993 Registered User

    Sep 27, 2018
    11
    Hi, thank you for your message. Yes it's the same with me. I have grieved a few times for my Grandad and he is in my thoughts often, and although it's still a shock that he is no longer here and I am heartbroken, I kind of feel like things have slowed down a bit now and a weight has been lifted off of the family's shoulders. He is at peace. Oh i totally agree, everyone grieves in different ways and this is something I have learnt from this.
     
  15. KCC1993

    KCC1993 Registered User

    Sep 27, 2018
    11
    thank you for your message. Yes i totally agree x
     
  16. KCC1993

    KCC1993 Registered User

    Sep 27, 2018
    11
    Hi, thank you for your message :) I definitely have learnt from this that everyone grieves in their own personal way - i'm taking some time now to process things, listening to music and thinking about a poem i will be dedicating to my dear grandad for his funeral. I think I've been so rushed off my feet with everything, i've hardly had time to process it. But i've let myself slow down now. Thanks again x
     
  17. KCC1993

    KCC1993 Registered User

    Sep 27, 2018
    11
    Hi, thank you for your message. thats so true. I am not really in the mood to go away but im taking some time out to myself tonight, slowing my mind down and processing everything. I know my emotions have a way of catching up with me in the end so I am taking a breather now, and will get myself together for the getaway, but I've learnt not to block it out now. I can take time out whenever I want to have a little cry and then carry on x
     
  18. Gingercatlady

    Gingercatlady Registered User

    Aug 7, 2017
    38
    You are so right, take your time, be kind to yourself and remember you are allowed to enjoy yourself on your weekend away, your friends will understand if you want a quiet time to yourself for a bit, relax and go with the flow of your feelings.
     

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