1. fizzling

    fizzling Registered User

    Apr 27, 2005
    2
    doncaster south yorks
    :confused: My gran is 91 and has alzheimers and is in a fantastic nursing home - she lives about 2 hours from me and I visit when I can - the problem is she hasnt got a clue who I am - which I cope with now without crying but she tells my sister that my sister is in a black place and is evil - she is barely talking now and I really am not sure whether keep visiting is a good idea - what does everybody think?
    She is well looked after but you can no longer hold a conversation with her and she jumps if you try to hold her hand - I find it heart breaking that my lovely gran doesnt know who we are or that she has 5 great grandchildren or that her husband has died - does anybody know the best way to cope??
     
  2. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Fizzling,

    Keep up the visits if you feel able. They will hopefully register somewhere with Gran.

    I can really empathise with the 'evil sister' bit. My father is always so scathing of his only daughter who never visits or cares for him. I often have to agree with him about what an utter swine I am! Just remember that it's the AD talking - not your Grandmother.

    Jude
     
  3. fizzling

    fizzling Registered User

    Apr 27, 2005
    2
    doncaster south yorks
    Thank you

    Thank you Jude

    It is really the hardest thing we have ever had to deal with, I visit and pray for a lucid moment where she might just have an inkling who I am - the site is brilliant, we have often wondered what to say when she says her mum is well and is coming later (my gran is 91) but reading other peoples experiences has helped alot THANK YOU!! :)
     
  4. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Fizzling, my Mum forgot who I was, I became her cousin who was also her best friend at school. Essie (her cousin) was wonderful, did everything for her, and she lived with her too...........!!....... as for her no good daughter, didnt see her for months at a time. She used to regularly tell me this as I helped her into bed every night. Dont take it to heart, its the illness, your Nan would be mortified if she knew the tricks her poor old head was playing now. Just love her, visit when you can and share what ever you can, even if it is just the smell of a flower. Love She. XX
     
  5. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Fizzling,

    My father often refers to me as 'the boy who cooks the meals' or 'the bloke who runs the office in the back room'. My mother rarely gets it right. She refers to me in loud whispers to my father ...'Who's that stranger' or 'I haven't seen that person before, have you?'. Oddly enough, they usually both get it right when I return from overseas. So I'm hoping for a wonderful reconcilliation next week BUT I won't be devesated if they get it wrong. We're into our 6th year of this awful disease, so any recognition at all is a real bonus.

    Jude
     
  6. janey

    janey Registered User

    Jun 29, 2004
    86
    My Mum (now in her 11th, or more, year of vascular dementia) has called me the names of her sister, best friend from college, neighbour, father and two other people I don't know, down the years. Now she can't speak properly and I miss her calling me *any* name. But I know, as I did all those years when I was Ann, Jack Doris etc, that she does know, deep down, that I am important to her and that she loves me. In the end, I think, dementia is all about love. I try to just go with the flow - it hurts like hell, but I'd prefer to deal with the pain and make the most of the time we have left, so I spend as much time as I can with Mum, just loving her. We were never a touchy feely sort of family, but now Mum and I communicate through hugs, cuddles and facial expressions - I can still get through to her with body language, where words are useless. I don't know if she knows who I am, but somehow it doesn't matter any more. Whoever she thinks I am each day, there is a deep connection that seems to have grown as everything else has disappeared. Hope this helps.
     
  7. Geraldine

    Geraldine Registered User

    Oct 17, 2003
    143
    Nottingham
    For one memorable period my Mum thought I was her cousin (we had actually visited her on holiday). Patti, the cousin, had six children. So Mum would get very angry with me when I was showing signs of not coping or getting cross because she had woken me for the sixth time that night - saying that she could not understand why I did not get one of the children to help! I needless to say am the only child.

    Another occasion when I was visiting Mum in the Nursing home she said that she wished she had had six children as maybe then she would get some more help! Rarely for me, I replied bitterly that even if she had had six children I bet I would be the only one to visit!

    regards

    Geraldine
     
  8. Claire

    Claire Registered User

    Mar 31, 2004
    88
    Coventry
    Dear Fizzling

    For the past couple of years my Mum has thought that I'm her sister most of the time (she never had a sister). Sometimes she tells people I'm her brother, or her Mum. Most of the time she remembers my name, but she always recognises me, although I know that will probably change one day. What I do know is that every time I go to see her she breaks into a beaming smile that is full of love, and I am comforted by the knowledge that even though she's not exactly sure of our relationship, she knows that I love her. When I leave, and look back, I can see she has forgotten my visit as soon as I'm out of her sight line, but I know that the visit has meant a lot to her. Even when she forgets who I am completely, I will remember for both of us.

    Take care,
    Claire
     
  9. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Fizzling, haven't come across this problem yet. My thoughts are with you though. It is so hurtful not to be recognised for who you are..

    I have found that Lionel reacts to my perfum. It was before my hair cut, he always said "change your hair style and I won't recognise you". Needless to say I have not changed my hairstyle in six years.

    I think always, deep down, they know who we are, and are so relxed and happy that they can say anything. Just think how you are with your oldest friend, you can be ungaurded and say whatever you please, you know they will instinctively understand. Sorry if I don't make myself clear, I just feel we are the only ones they are at ease with. Connie
     
  10. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    It can be very hurtful when your loved ones get to the point where they cannot remember your name. This is probably the time where hugs and kisses and the holding of hands kicks in and takes the place of a lot of verbal communication.

    Communication in this form is also incredibly important. My parents were never particularly demonstrative either, but we have developed a physical language over the last few years which has been quite wonderful. I feel that we have all gained from this - and it's certainly made up for the lack of words.

    Jude
     
  11. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi all, yes Jude is so right. My Mum was always very cuddly, you could snuggle up to her and feel really safe. She did this to me and to my two kids. When she was ill, we just reversed roles and snuggled her into our arms. It really seemed to comfort her when we couldn't make it right any other way. Love She.
     

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