My first hello.

[gh001g9494]

I am a new member, my wife has AD which started about 3 years ago,and coupled with IBS and immobility due to hip replacement makes her (our) life not very jolly, but you don't have to look very far on TP to find that somebody is worse off than yourself, so we all have something to be thankful for.
My immediate problem is my wife asking for her mum almost every day, (her mum died 37 years ago) and when I tell her it's like a new berevement and she is very upset but AD steps in and about ten minutes later it's all forgotten, it's heartbreaking to see her so upset, but what can I do, is there a way around it?.....
without telling lies.
We have been married 59 years in August and I still love her so very much.
I have been reading through TP, and I get a distinct feeling of ' family ',you are all so kind and caring.
I have booked my wife into a nursing home for one weeks respite in July and I'm
looking forward to getting some sleep, my social services are very helpful, they have a scheme where I can get vouchers to have a care worker sit with my wife for an hour or so while I go shopping or keep an appointment etc, it's very handy.
Bye for now, 'til the next post, George, ( gh001g9494 ).

 

[Jude]

Dear George,

A very warm welcome to TP. It's just wonderful to have so many new members almost on a daily basis now! I'm sure you'll get loads of support from everyone on this forum - and yes, we are rather like a big family......

I had exactly the same problem with my mother last year. She was constantly asking to see her mother who died over 20 years' ago. I understand totally when you say it was just like a new bereavement, as my mother was so terribly distraught. I don't know just how to deal with this, apart from telling lies. The first few times I couldn't bring myself to lie, but eventually I decided to do so, in order to spare her the pain. I didn't feel at all good about it, but it was necessary.

I also removed all of my grandmother's photos from the family albums for a while so that my mother wouldn't be reminded and go off into the 'loop' again. After a month or so, Mum forgot to ask and that was a big relief.

I do hope you enjoy your respite and have a relaxing time. Forget about shopping, housework and all that stuff. Just sleep and recharge your batteries.

Best wishes,

Jude

 

[Brucie]

Hello George, and thanks for posting here.

My immediate problem is my wife asking for her mum almost every day, (her mum died 37 years ago) and when I tell her it's like a new bereavement and she is very upset but AD steps in and about ten minutes later it's all forgotten

Why not say simply that her mum has gone away for a few days or something? And then your wife will forget that, after ten minutes, without her being upset. Okay, so it's not true. But is it an important untruth - a lie about something that matters? Isn't it more important for her time with you to be as without upsets as is possible? For both of you?

I hated telling my wife the first lie, so I understand your quandary. But - no doubt as you do your wife - I cared so much for her that I brought myself to tell her a first untruth after over 30 years of marriage [can't match your time!] - because it would mean she felt less anxiety and pain.

My view is that untruths are over-rated in the catalogue of life - unless they are about something that matters. With dementia, the world is turned upside down and the normal rules cease to apply.

Good luck with the respite!

 

[storm]

Hello George, Welcome to T/P, i have through trail and error that it is kinder to tell little white lies sometimes because if i told mum the truth about whatever she is wanting to know she wouldnt belive me anyway i just go along with the version of things she wants to hear ,it works she calms down and all is well in her world again.STORM

 

[Norman]

Hi George
welcome to TP.
Looks like we are in the same boat,59 years in December for us.
George there are lies and white lies,don't feel badly about telling white lies if they avoid upsets and tears,they won't save your tears but they may help your wife's.
Is your wife ok about the nursing home?How did you put that one to her?
Post whenever you feel the need
Best wishes
Norman

 

[Kathleen]

Hello George

My parents were married for 54 years until his sudden death last September, and Dad was still besotted with Mum. As her Ad progressed she would sometimes hallucinate and be frightened of him, I would get a call and rush round- they lived 2 minutes away - I always went along with her for a little while and then by showing her all her familiar things, she slowly realised everything was alright and she was safe with us.

She would then look at Dad and rush to him saying how sorry she was and they would hold each other and cry. The bonds of love never die. Dad hated "fibbing" to Mum too but if it brings the AD sufferer peace of mind it must be the best and kindest way.

Everyone deserves to have happiness each day and this disease takes so much from the sufferer and those around them that even if getting that happiness means outright lying, if it is done out of love for our nearest and dearest that must never make us feel guilty.

All the best
Kathleen

 

[gh001g9494]

Very helpful friends.

Jude / Brucie / Storm / Norman / Kathleen.
Thank you very much for your very quick response to my plea, you all say the same thing
that I must tell a fib, well you have all tried it and it works, so thank you for showing me
the way out of this hurt.
Norman asked how I put it to my wife about a weeks respite, well I told her the truth that I
was starting to feel ill and needed a rest and to my surprise she said ok.
I will certainly stay with TP, who knows I may be able to help someone else some day.
Best wishes to you all, George. gh001g9494