My first Christmas

Frederic H

Registered User
Apr 1, 2015
75
0
Devon
At last my O/H is in a care home that can cope with her challenging behaviour and the family are saying they will all come up for Christmas so we can go and see her.
I have told them not to -they are 200 miles away.
I thought I would go to the care home at Christmas to be with her but will she even realise it is Christmas ?
I suppose it is difficult for the family to appreciate her state of mind and for suddenly 4 adults and two childen to arrive would may be more confusing for her
Any advice?
 

ElizabethAnn

Registered User
Jan 4, 2014
189
0
Northumberland
Morning Frederick,
I do feel for you - this first Christmas is going to be very hard for you.

Perhaps though, you need to think about yourself a little more and the fact that you family are not just coming up to visit your wife in the care home, but also to spend time with you ?

I agree, that if you all descend on your wife, it may be too much for her. You are certainly the best placed to know this. Perhaps discuss this all with them before hand and organise some kind of visiting rota ?

But do try and think of yourself and what you would like to be doing when you're not visiting your wife.

Kind regards, Elizabeth.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
A quick visit might be all right for that number of people - as long as they realise that it may well be too much for her and they would need to be prepared to leave quickly if that were the case - and not to be upset or take offence.

From my own experience, people with dementia beyond the early stages often don't realise it's Christmas anyway. By the time my mother was in her care home we would just visit her in the morning, taking her presents - which she was usually not interested in. Even before she went into her care home she wouldn't realise it was Christmas - even with crackers in the table etc. - and would wonder why people were giving her presents.
Beyond a certain quite early stage she couldn't cope with a lot of extra people, noise or fuss, and this was the case well before she went into the care home.

Were you planning just a visit, or to spend much of the day with her, or to,play it by ear?

I think it can be very hard for people without direct experience to realise the difference dementia can make. If I were you I think I'd tell them that she can no longer cope with extra people, noise and fuss (if this is the case).

And if you're not sure how long you'll be spending with her, tell them that, and that they would have to be prepared to 'do' Christmas (bring all the food and cook it!) without you, but you'd join them as and when.
However, if you'd really prefer them not to come at all, best to say that, though I know it might be very difficult if they're likely to be upset. You could say that in the very difficult circs at the moment you're just not up to having guests.

It may be different if they're the types who will see to everything and leave you free to visit for as long as you want, but if they're the sort of guests who are just going to give you extra work and stress, that's a different matter.
I do hope you find a solution that gives you the least stress.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,356
0
Nottinghamshire
My mum spent a Christmas in hospital just before she went into a care home. Dad was distraught and determined that she wasn't going to have to spend a minute alone. He didn't understand her feelings. Just felt a desperate need to look after her.

So he organised a rota, one in one out, all day long. By the time I arrived to take over from my aunt she'd had enough. I didn't dare leave because I didn't want to face dad's disappointment so I sat there twiddling my thumbs and thinking about my kids and that I'd rather be with them than sitting in an uncomfortable chair beside the bed of a sleeping woman who, if she'd been well would've told me to be with my kids.

It's still a very uncomfortable memory for me and I think I should have argued with dad about the wisdom of this as I knew it would upset mum. I said I thought it would be too much but was immediately shot down.

You are in a stronger position than I was. Do what you think is best for you and your wife. If your family want to be with you at Christmas tell them what you need to do and ask them to help. I hope it goes well for you.
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
538
0
Shropshire
Morning Frederic. This will be my first Christmas with my husband in a home. Our children are lovely, my daughter has invited me to her Christmas eve, I'm off to friends first where we have gone for the past 26 years. Then to midnight mass. Christmas day we are visiting her in-laws then to her friends for lunch along with our son. He will visit his father in the morning. We then all go back to mine in the late afternoon. She and I will do a visit. Boxing day I do a lunch for us all. I think this is going to be a very tiring Christmas as the distances to be travelled are vast, but they want to make sure I'm OK and are there for me . I am glad they think like that,so I am going with it this year.
We can only see this year as a trial run. My husband will not know it's Christmas. Will not know who we are, the visits on such a busy day are for us, not him . We will feel we have done as we should do, the right thing for us. But not all enmass. Just do what is right for you. Hope it all goes well.
 

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,833
0
I think quite a few of us are feeling 'ugh' this Christmas.
My dads still In Hospital , he is ok but we havnt got a care place, he would struggle with too many of us visiting and won't know it's Christmas .
My OH lost his dad this this so up to now he plans to go and spend it with his mum and il spend with mine , visiting dad , having something to eat with mum.
We don't have kids to try and fit in to the equation.

If you think too many for her then say so , but I'm sure they'll be coming to see you also.
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
6,379
0
Salford
Christmas, it's a day just like any other day, we haven't celebrated it for ages.
I've told our kids to enjoy Christmas as they'll be plenty laid on by the care home so save their visits for when there's nothing else happening.
A whole load of visitors turning up on the one day can be disorientating for the residents, they live there 365 days a year and have no concept of Christmas, just a load of strangers walking around their home and upsetting their routine.
I don't want to be bah humbug about Christmas but if residents got the 6 visitors you suggest then it would be a nightmare for those who don't understand what is happening. Christmas and new year is now a 10 day event so I'd spread the visits out.
K
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
When my husband was in his nursing home we all visited over the Christmas period as we did during the year. Never more than two of us at a time and our visits spread out over the week as usual.

For the first two years of him being in care I hosted Christmas lunch as I had for the previous 40years but last year and this year our Son has taken over and will will be travelling to his home for Christmas. My husband passed away in March of this year so there will be no nursing home visit for us this year.

As others have said, Christmas is just another day to so many residents, they don't understand the decorations, the tree in the corner or the special table setting at meal times. They just need the usual care and attention and as less disruption to their routine as possible.