My father

[Purplelola]

I am sure I should have had a good read through this website but I am so desperate I don't knoŵ what to do! My mum is 81 and my dad is 84 and they live I. South Wales, I however live in suffolk. My dad, I am sure has Alzheimer's or dementia, his short term memory is shockingly bad and his hands tremble all the time. Following a recent hospital admittance he was told to visit his Dr, subsequently he has been given an appointment for a brain scan this Saturday and awaiting an appointment for the memory clinic. That's good I hear you say..... Nope, he is refusing to go, blaming my mum and telling her it's her fault, she is so down and at her whits end that she is just accepting what he says as she has no fight left in her to argue. Trouble is, she will have no support other than when I or one of my children visit. I was hoping that someone may be able to help me but if he is adamant that he will not have the tests then seems little that can be done.
Thanks for reading/listening, it has sort of helped getting this off my chest

 

[tryingmybest]

I am so very sorry to hear of this. Its often very hard to get somebody to admit they may have a problem and attend the necessary tests etc. I don't know what to suggest to you as this didnt happen in this way for me but am sure others with similar experiences will be able to help you.

I know how difficult it is being so far away. My Mother was several hundred miles away from me but now lives with me.

Sending you a big hug. Youve come to the right place and Im sure someone will offer you some good advice. xx

 

[Purplelola]

Thank you so much. I am so worried for my mum, she is tired

 

[Lawson58]

This is such a difficult time for everyone in your family being so far away is always a problem.

My OH had been showing signs for about 3 years before we were finally able to get a diagnosis of AD. He was in total denial about having a problem and was quite paranoid about it. It was the usual rant of there was nothing wrong with him, I was just making it all up, I had ulterior motives and so it went on and on.

Our GP understood the situation perfectly and ultimately got OH to cooperate by challenging him to prove me wrong, that by having all the tests he would be able to say I told you so and would be able to tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about etc. etc. etc.

Maybe that is a strategy that you might try with your father. You can't force him to have all the tests but if you can find a motive for him to cooperate, he just might go along with it.

Good luck!

 

[Mrsbusy]

How would your father react if hospital transport appeared on the doorstep, ready to take him for his test. Usually I find they don't argue with strangers like they do family, especially if the person said the doctor had arranged it for him. It's up to your Mum if she accompanies him or if she rests up whilst she can. I'm sure the hospital would sort him out and will bring him home again. If not have they got a friend nearby that you could ask to take part in the getting him there etc.

if this is arranged just get your mum to keep telling him she had nothing to do with it, it's all down to the GP! Good luck

 

[Purplelola]

Thank you for your comments and yes he really is in denial. Maybe a phone call to the dr may help so will give it a go. My son is going to see them tomorrow, hopefully he will be able to help? I feel absolutely useless!!

Although, I am concerned about my dad, it's my mum I worry about more. Dad is oblivious to,what is going on. Keeping asking the same questions over and over, telling mum he has taken tablets etc when she knows full well that he hasn't x

 

[Shedrech]

It's very tricky, isn't it - seems when help is most needed it is most rejected.
I wonder - you say his hands tremble - could you focus on this and say the scans have to be done to decide what medication could be prescribed to help the shaking? Sometimes a physical ailment is less scary so less threatening.
Also - maybe not talk about the appointment at all and they just go out that day for a coffee 'happening' to pop in to the hospital after to pick up a prescription - or whatever excuse might not make him react negatively - would he accompany your mum if he thought the appointment was for her?
If you can't go with them is there a local friend who could just happen to pop in that day and offer to give a lift?
So hard to think of ways around his state of mind so that your mum can get the support she needs
Would he go if you actually said it would set your mum's mind at rest? My dad would have done anything for my mum (but I appreciate the possible dementia does change relationships and reactions) Or told him they will be able to access money to help ie Attendance Allowance, carer's allowance, a rebate on Council Tax? Just trying to seek out his weak spot.
Do let his GP and the consultant know, they may have ways to help.
All the best