However he now saying that he wants to move back to his old place - which still belongs to him. The work it has taken to move them has been immense, and I don’t think he or my mother have an appreciation of this. Plus, it would cost him a significant amount of money. I have financial POA but not welfare and health. I’m struggling to know how to handle this because every time the subject comes up he gets very angry and upset. I also feel like he is blaming the new place for his condition. I’m really stuck. Any advice?
My father is 90 and has recently had a diagnosis for Alzheimer’s moved to nearer me so we can have closer contact
- Thread starter Salil Pajwani
- Start date
Where is your mother with the idea? who wanted the move? them or you?
Many people with dementia find it hard to settle after a move- how long has it been? Are they renting the new place, or are they with you?
You might fnd, even if you move them back, he will still want the same- they want to go back to when they understood the world!
Many people with dementia find it hard to settle after a move- how long has it been? Are they renting the new place, or are they with you?
You might fnd, even if you move them back, he will still want the same- they want to go back to when they understood the world!
You're probably right. It's very common for people with dementia to express the wish to 'go home', sometimes even when they are living in the same home they've been in for many years. This is often found to be a desire to move back to a family home (and even long dead parents) where they felt safe. But it seems to also come with a belief that if only they could get back to this 'home', everything would be OK and all their confusion/problems would disappear.
Obv, I don't know your circumstances but I think I would try to go along with his ideas (in theory only!) but use delaying tactics. Come up with some reasons why he can't go back there right now but can do 'soon'. Perhaps his property needs some repairs or there's a burst pipe or the heating/boiler won't work. Tell him you're getting it fixed so it will all be good for his return. You may find that when he becomes more settled in the new place these desires to go home recede.
Good luck - be creative and get your mum on board!
Many thanks for this. I actually took him for a beer last night and got the whole conversation again. It is hard, because he is blaming me for ‘forcing’ him to move. I have to take this on the chin, because going over what actually happened just sails over his head. I like your theory about ‘delay’. This is what I have been going, but now you have labelled it, I feel more confident I am on the right lines. The saving grace is that I have said to him that I can’t manage a move back for them myself, so he will have to organise it. He said this is fine and he is prepared to do that, but of course, the reality is that he doesn’t stand a chance of pulling it off. So, as long as that doesn’t frustrate him too much, I am confident nothing will actually happen. But the conversations are painful. I suppose I have to learn just to suck it up. Logical discourse seems to be a thing of the past. Any more thoughts / advice / or even just empathy would be gratefully received. Thanks again.
Sending you tons of empathy @Salil Pajwani
It can take people with dementia a few months to settle into a new place, so best to just use delay tactics . I wouldnt try using reasoning with him as reasoning seldom works. One of the things that happens with dementia is that their memory gets muddled up, but they think that its absolutely true, so you cant reason with them because they know that they are right
It can take people with dementia a few months to settle into a new place, so best to just use delay tactics . I wouldnt try using reasoning with him as reasoning seldom works. One of the things that happens with dementia is that their memory gets muddled up, but they think that its absolutely true, so you cant reason with them because they know that they are right
You are spot on here. Most people with dementia lose insight quite quickly and are unable to comprehend that they have changed at all. They are aware, at some deeper level, though, that Something Is Not Right, but they are unable to understand that this Something is actually them, so they blame the people around them, or they think its due to where they are living and if they could only go somewhere else (usually a place they have lived before dementia) then they would leave all the confusion and problems behind - not realising that they will simply take it all with them.
