my father died six years ago, the funeral still bothers me.

[lushr]

hi everyone,

i don’t usually come to this part of the forum because my alzheimer’s mum is middle stages.

however, the death of my father triggered her illness in 2015…. and i kind of lost them both in the instant the police came to the dor and said he was gone.

because mum fell apart i had to be the strong one, everything was about her grief, and it was almost like i hadn’t lost my dad at all…. like… i hardly cried, i had to keep working to pay the bills… then i had to take mum on a world tour of relatives so THEY could grieve his loss… i never got to… i even had to go to someone else’s funeral, and i was like… so jealous of their beautiful funeral and all the family being there.

and that’s what i want to ask about. i see funerals on tv, and i see other people’s funerals, and they so great, but my dad wasn’t religious, and i had to do it on my own… and i said all the wrong things, i was awkward, i tried to be funny how he was, i tried to make a book for people to write their memories of him and i did such an ugly cover for the book, i had to organise the music and it came off awkward, and …. an enemy of the family turned up and “hugged” me in front of her friends… hijacking me… even turned up to the reception at home uninvited, listening for gossip and i had to chuck her out. only two of my work friends showed up for me. mum was useless the entire time… and though a lot of people came, the funeral home place seemed modern and cheap and weird….

i don’t have any sad romantic memories of that funeral. the aunt that died six months later in ireland had ALLthe family there for her, and a beautiful old huge cathedral, and the children sang like angels…. like…. i was so angry the whole time, i was even told to help out catering at the wake. like… “no… i have never been to their house before and you know, just lost my dad like months before and none of you showed up…”

surely im not the only one that had a **** funeral for their deeply loved one?

 

[Jessbow]

It is what it is, sorry you felt you had to do the service yourself- surprised your FD didnt suggest a celebrant- they conduct non religious services and are usually very good- certainly take the pressure off you.

However, what is done is done, its just one day, or even a few hours out of one day. Some people come, som dont. Some come and are hypocrites, and some just show up for the cake!

I am sure the day wasnt rubbish at all- you were grieving even if you didnt feel like you were. You did your best.

I had to do the same for my dad, nondementia whilst caring for mum who had lewie bodies dementia.
like you, I just didnt have time for me, and hardly shed a tear.
9 years on, I now cry for him,and miss him dreadfully. I was angry with everything at the time, most of all myself, but that day is gone now, we cant redo it,console yourself that you did the best you could at the time

 

[canary]

I dont suppose that others thought it was awful. I expect this was because you were so close you could see all the things that wernt the same as you wanted them to be. I dare say every one else feels the same about the funerals that they organise.
You did your very best. Please be at peace about it.




BTW, Im reminded of something mum used to say and I apologise if the gallows humour offends. She used to say that weddings and funerals never go completely to plan - the only difference is that the corpse doesnt complain...............

 

[Grannie G]

I have never understood the need for elaborate funerals when the most important person is unable to witness it.

I had a private funeral for my husband with only immediate family and any members of his care home who wished to join us in attendance.

There was no eulogy. Everyone who knew him knew who he was. While he lived, he knew what he meant to us. There was no need for affirmation when he died.

I found some meaningful passages which were read by the celebrant and some of my husband's favourite music was played while we sat and thought about him. We then each laid a flower on his coffin before it glided behind the curtain to its destiny.

There was no trauma, no need for social niceties. We were grieving and were allowed to grieve.

I have told my son, this is what I want for myself and he agrees.

Too much was asked of you @lushr at one of the saddest times in your life. It`s done now and I hope you will be able to put it behind you. It was your first experience and you can ensure there is no repeat.

 

[margherita]

Hi @lushr ,
I wonder if the haunting memory of your father's funeral might be part of the grief you weren't literally allowed to process. Feelings of loss can last a life time and take different forms.
Have you ever considered joining a bereavement group?

 

[lushr]

@canary that joke does make me feel better! even the celebrant got our names wrong and clearly knew nothing about dad, it was awful…

but then at the “perfect” funeral, my uncle told me half the people there he hated and they owed him money, he nearly broke a guys hand as he came up to shake it… the wake went all night and he had to stand there shaking the hands of every other random that turned up…. seems like a kind of torture… he wasn’t allowed to sit and grieve for his wife….
thanks @margherita yeah, i guess it is about putting away feelings and having to perform… which doesn’t seem right.

i guess i thought funerals were meant to make things a bit better somehow, or more real… but they just seem hollow…

im still processing the loss in therapy.. there’s a lot to unpack. i think he knew mum had early dementia, and i think he arranged an escape that wouldn’t look like suicide… once he knew i would take care of mum… so… i’m pretty angry… but there’s always more to the story, that’s just one aspect that will take me a long time to deal with.

 

[MaNaAk]

hi everyone,

i don’t usually come to this part of the forum because my alzheimer’s mum is middle stages.

however, the death of my father triggered her illness in 2015…. and i kind of lost them both in the instant the police came to the dor and said he was gone.

because mum fell apart i had to be the strong one, everything was about her grief, and it was almost like i hadn’t lost my dad at all…. like… i hardly cried, i had to keep working to pay the bills… then i had to take mum on a world tour of relatives so THEY could grieve his loss… i never got to… i even had to go to someone else’s funeral, and i was like… so jealous of their beautiful funeral and all the family being there.

and that’s what i want to ask about. i see funerals on tv, and i see other people’s funerals, and they so great, but my dad wasn’t religious, and i had to do it on my own… and i said all the wrong things, i was awkward, i tried to be funny how he was, i tried to make a book for people to write their memories of him and i did such an ugly cover for the book, i had to organise the music and it came off awkward, and …. an enemy of the family turned up and “hugged” me in front of her friends… hijacking me… even turned up to the reception at home uninvited, listening for gossip and i had to chuck her out. only two of my work friends showed up for me. mum was useless the entire time… and though a lot of people came, the funeral home place seemed modern and cheap and weird….

i don’t have any sad romantic memories of that funeral. the aunt that died six months later in ireland had ALLthe family there for her, and a beautiful old huge cathedral, and the children sang like angels…. like…. i was so angry the whole time, i was even told to help out catering at the wake. like… “no… i have never been to their house before and you know, just lost my dad like months before and none of you showed up…”

surely im not the only one that had a **** funeral for their deeply loved one?

Dear @lushr,

You did your best and are continuing to do your best by your dear mum and dad. When mum passed away I felt she got the funeral that dad wanted for himself however family and friends were there and we had a good wake. It is because I felt it wasn't the funeral that she would have wanted I wrote a letter to her and I still have it in my bedside table.

Eleven years later dad got the same type of funeral and he was buried near mum. The gathering was small and apart from family two neighbours came. My youngest brother and his partner collected me and we met my other brother and his family at the cemetery. After the burial my elder brother went home and my youngest brother gave me a lift home but didn't come. The neighbours couldn't come in either because they are elderly and one of them wasn't well so I was left with quite a bit of food for myself. My youngest brother said he would come round later so therefore I decided to prepare some food incase he turned up at dinner time. He and his partner arrived just as I was dishing up and when they saw that I was about to eat they admitted that they had already eaten and left saying that they would come back the next day. I'm afraid what you see on TV doesn't always happen in reality.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[cathmills]

I am so sorry that you feel this way. I don't think it was anything as 'bad' as you thought mainly because what you did you did with love. I am also so sorry that you didn't have a time to grieve and I think it's quite natural to have lingering resentment. My own Dad had a very beautiful funeral but it really didn't matter as he wasn't there and he was gone. I think it's good to share and like in life in general nothing goes according to plan - I love gallows humour canary posted - its always like that with funerals and weddings, with funerals though no one can complain lol. I think some positive affirmations will help you and knowing that what we do in love is never wasted. that's what I believe anyway. Don't dwell on it, you are alive and you are here on earth to be happy not regretful. You did absolutely fine.

 

[lushr]

@MaNaAk thank you so much for sharing your story, i think writing a letter to my dad about it would be good. to tell him what i wanted…. it feels like my generation don’t really show up for eachother once the traditional family bonds break… i’m sure my mothers funeral will be sad and empty…

 

[Marcelle123]

I think when you're responsible for a funeral (as I was for my mother's) it's impossible to feel okay about it at the time or later.

My mother's funeral was a religious one as she was a Catholic convert like me, and the non-religious members of the family did turn up their eyes at me. Also, the priest embarrassed me by praising me in his sermon, and at the reception I felt I had to look after Mum's neighbours who'd turned up rather than socialising with the rest of my family. The music at the crematorium didn't start up when the priest asked for it, and we had to wait several minutes before it worked. But I expect everyone else thought that things went okay.

The other posters who've said that the people who attended your father's funeral would have thought it was okay are right, I think. My mother's best friend, who died the year before she did, had a non-religious funeral where no hymns were sung, and her son kept making jokes in his eulogy, and getting giggles from his relatives. I just shrugged my shoulders - people are different.

You should feel proud of being there for your parents and shouldering the burden of the funeral on your own. Though things about Mum's care and funeral do bother me from time to time, I know that I did my best, even when my best was flawed or I misjudged things.

I have nothing to reproach myself with and I feel sure that you don't either. You did your best - what could anyone do more?

 

[lushr]

@Marcelle123 oh thank you so much for telling me your story, those are exactly the feelings i had… i talked to the wrong people, the celebrant said the wrong thing….

i made jokes and i feel everyone shrugged… like… i didn’t pull it off because…i guess i knew my dad a lot better than they did, i knew things to say that were true…. i just wish my story hadn’t been the only story i guess…

you have made me feel a lot less alone! i felt a bit crazy. it’s six years and still i come back to it… other things like when the police turned up, or seeing him at the coroners… i understood returning to those, but the awkward funeral …. you don’t see that stuff on tv….

 

[Mobbin17]

Hello , my Mum died in February 2021 , her funeral was in March . I am an only child , but with a very supportive husband and 2 wonderful sons and daughters in law . A family friend is a civil celebrant and she led the funeral service for us . Several family members,including me , spoke and I chose the music , no hymns . I have wished since then that I had mentioned other things . We were very lucky as COVID rules had just changed and we were allowed to have 30 mourners in total , but no wake . Have you thought about a memorial service on your Dad’s birthday or anniversary? Put right the things that you didn’t like , send out invitations and let people know why you are doing it . Have music , speeches . I think that when you arrange a funeral , there is little time to grieve . My Mum would have celebrated her 90th on 29th December. We went out for dinner and raised a glass to Mum, but it wasn’t just me who lost her . Her grandchildren, her great grandchildren, her nephews and her son-in-law did too . So , I asked them how they were too. Be kind to yourself x

 

[lushr]

our entire world fell apart when dad died, mums got alzheimer’s and can’t leave the nursing home, all the friends have disappeared and most of them were not my friends. so no. i am completely isolated. there will never be a memorial

 

[MartinWL]

I think when you're responsible for a funeral (as I was for my mother's) it's impossible to feel okay about it at the time or later.

My mother's funeral was a religious one as she was a Catholic convert like me, and the non-religious members of the family did turn up their eyes at me. Also, the priest embarrassed me by praising me in his sermon, and at the reception I felt I had to look after Mum's neighbours who'd turned up rather than socialising with the rest of my family. The music at the crematorium didn't start up when the priest asked for it, and we had to wait several minutes before it worked. But I expect everyone else thought that things went okay.

I really don't see that. I was in that position recently and I don't think anything went wrong or not as planned. I don't think jokes are appropriate at a funeral and there were none. Everything was traditional.

 

[lushr]

thanks @MartinWL did you read the OP? and did you consider that my father didn’t want a traditional funeral?

 

[MartinWL]

thanks @MartinWL did you read the OP? and did you consider that my father didn’t want a traditional funeral?

My point was that it is not impossible to feel good about a funeral that one has arranged before or afterwards. I cited my own example.

 

[Susan11]

our entire world fell apart when dad died, mums got alzheimer’s and can’t leave the nursing home, all the friends have disappeared and most of them were not my friends. so no. i am completely isolated. there will never be a memorial

At Mum's funeral there were three of us. Me, my husband and her Granddaughter. The minister read the eulogy which I had written. She went at super speed and it was over in 15mins. We spent three and a half hours getting there and her Granddaughter spent 4 hours. The next day I took a deep breath and rang the minister to say that I was disappointed with the speed of the service. She used the standard apology for official people. She said ...I'm sorry you felt that ... She did not say ...I'm sorry I went too quickly...

 

[Wildflowerlady]

My dad's funeral certainly didn't go as well as I envisaged. I became quite unwell the day after I made telephone arrangements with the funeral directors regards the date and time of the funeral so much so I was unable to even speak with the vicar for a few days. I had contracted Covid and by day twelve of being unwell I was admitted to hospital and unable to attend the funeral. My sister has complained about everything I did she moaned that I hadn't contacted dads neighbours not taking into account I was really sick. My sister lives within a few short minutes walking distance of dads home as it was then so she could have told them herself. A few weeks earlier he had been admitted to a CH but his health rapidly declined. As it was word did get around and apparently some neighbours did come out to see the hearse arrive but none chose to take the fairly short trip to the cemetery. I had arranged for a service to be conducted at the graveside as dad was being buried with my mother that had passed in 2016. I was mindful that Covid was about my dads funeral in February 2021. I felt the outside service was suitable and wasn't aware I had Covid myself when it was booked. A few days later I got the positive test and was clearly unwell. I pretty much had to ask the vicar if she could set an appropriate service regards prayers as could barely think. I was told that there couldn't be music as outside which was fine. My sister actually invited someone she specifically knew I hadn't wanted to be at dads funeral as I had spoken with her about it before dad had passed. The person wasn't family but a neighbour that hadn't lived near dad for many years only showing up in the last few months of his life for 'free' lunches and friendly afternoons with my sister that they made sure I was excluded from. My sister had deliberately had a big argument with me when this person was present at dads one day and they effectively ganged up on me so that I was forced to leave as my dad was getting upset. I could never forget or forgive either of them. I was told this person had known I didn't want her at my dad's funeral by my sister but she attended anyway along with one of her adult daughters. My sister said that anyone can attend so neither of them respected my feelings. I found out months later when my sister wanted to upset me a bit more that this person had thrown flowers into the open grave as my dad was lowered in. It was true as I bumped into this persons other daughter one day and she confirmed what my sister had said. I have no memories of dads actual funeral other than photos of my flowers taken on the day by the florist as she kindly took and sent to me whilst in my hospital bed and a transcript of the service the vicar did. I did manage to email the vicar a short reading about dad which she read at the service but there were only 5 people that attended. I got blamed for things which were not my fault sister said that a funeral attendant was rude to her but maybe that was because she turned up at dad's house late and the hearse was just leaving to go to the cemetery. I had emailed her all the details so no real excuse for her being late besides which she had also emailed me to say she was calling the funeral directors to ' check that correct protocol was being followed'. I had received a call from the funeral directors the day before the funeral asking if someone would be at dads house and text my sister from hospital but she didn't reply so they had to call her and then said she sounded annoyed! Dad wasn't allowed to have clothes taken in to the funeral home which my sister had sorted because he had a positive Covid test the day before he passed. It highly likely was dad whom I caught Covid from as was visiting him in the CH. I have to accept it was far from what I/she wanted but in the end dad was laid to rest with my mum just as they had wanted. I was able to attend a Rememberance service at a much later date that the vicar had arranged for people that lost someone in 2021. It was ok but I'm still upset to have missed his funeral. I know I have to accept I can't change what happened but nevertheless it still hurts.

 

[lushr]

@Susan11 makes me feel better that i wasn’t the only one that felt it was more a business than a family moment…

@Wildflowerlady of course no covid funeral can be what it should.
and i don’t even know where i’d be if that had been my case, i think atleast i’d have blamed covid, not myself.
but for you to get sick
and lose control
AND be blamed
AND get a gate crasher
AND have your own family member sabotage the funeral, and you…

welll…IM SO SORRY.
and i’d say if that story was anything to go by, cut that sister out of your life. she is not just toxic but abusing, there’s clear gaslighting and bullying going on there. you do not need that.

i hope it hasn’t coloured your relationship with your dad.

thank you for sharing your story, i think it’s good for us all to get a reality check and realise that there’s lots of ****** funerals, even though no one talks about them.

 

[Wildflowerlady]

@Susan11 makes me feel better that i wasn’t the only one that felt it was more a business than a family moment…

@Wildflowerlady of course no covid funeral can be what it should.
and i don’t even know where i’d be if that had been my case, i think atleast i’d have blamed covid, not myself.
but for you to get sick
and lose control
AND be blamed
AND get a gate crasher
AND have your own family member sabotage the funeral, and you…

and i’d say if that story was anything to go by, cut that sister out of your life. she is not just toxic but abusing, there’s clear gaslighting and bullying going on there. you do not need that.

i hope it hasn’t coloured your relationship with your dad.

thank you for sharing your story, i think it’s good for us all to get a reality check and realise that there’s lots of ****** funerals, even though no one talks about them.

Hello @lushr my sister and I have rarely got along our entire lives bar a few short years when we both had young children. I am the youngest daughter and we have no other siblings but she even chose three school friends to be her bridesmaids at her wedding and I was just another guest along with my fiancé as was at the time. We both ended up living very close to our parents despite us all moving out of the area in which we spent our childhood years. After more than 20 years absence from each others lives due to how she had spoken to me in front of one of my children one day which was terrible we eventually re-established contact when our mum passed and we began to care for dad as he remained in his own home. Like with your mum dementia had not been diagnosed but it started to become more obvious and our dad became more confused and needy of our care. With the help of daily carers plus regular daily visits from us mostly separately but with good contact between us dad was able to remain in his own home for much of the rest of his life. This situation eventually was also a bone of contention as I sadly felt dad needed more care than we could afford him at home and with the time that we could give him. I have a partner aged 78 years with Parkinson's (13 years ) and I am a 'young' 62 years.
I had not heard of the term 'Gaslighting' until my son-in-law used it recently to describe my sisters behaviour but believe it does describe her well. My sister and I are once again estranged and there has only been contact which has been absolutely necessary between us in the last year, the settlement of the obvious things that need tying up on the passing of a loved one. My sister complains about anything I do she requested that I arranged final clearance of dads home get it done by early/mid February ( dad passed 19th January) and then complained about that stating she thought the cost was excessive. I initially settled the invoice and then it was deducted from dads 'small estate' when his bank account was closed. My sister indicated for me to deal with all the paperwork which meant notifying utilities, pensions, housing association etc but then complained the bank hadn't kept her informed. I hadn't contacted the bank for around a month because I was so unwell and knew his account would be safe. My sister had online access as we had both been dads attorneys and she could have told them herself had she wanted to. Sister queried why some clothes purchased for dad had not been returned to the shop for refund again forgetting I had been too unwell to go out unless really necessary but I returned them shortly after and all money was returned to the account. Dads estate was quite small so the bank were happy to release without probate but she complained when I sent her a cheque signed for and received the day after bank notified me. Dads estate was settled an equal 50/50 as he left no Will and I consider was the correct thing and how my parents would have wished it. My sister wanted more well stated at one time all of it as she took on my dads elderly dog however I found out from her last week the dog was PTS around 7 weeks after she received her share of the money. I do understand why as he still had back problems following a operation a few years earlier but I cared for him too and would have expected her to have told me back in June when it was done. I was only told as I enquired a second time as to how he was as needed contact over another matter. In fairness she had done most of the packing of the home and some had been started when it was clear our dad was not returning to his home of over 40 years so I had felt was fair for me to organise the clearance as she had requested. I organised a guy to come in and disconnect the gas cooker 4 days after I was discharged from hospital but she said I could have done myself and didn't need to pay for him to cap off the pipe as cooker pipe was a plug in type and she felt would have sealed itself. I had another company come in the day after and the house was cleared by the following lunchtime including the carpets which the council insisted needed doing as dad and mum had over the years owned dogs.
I have only the need to contact her one last time which is regarding the replacement of the headstone as she has asked for a copy of the final invoice but even this arrangement has not fully met her 'approval'. I had contacted the original Memorial Company and arranged removal in order that the headstone which had our mums details on be removed in order for the funeral to take place a necessary requirement. Sister was unhappy at the estimate given for the work required which they only sent in November as an inscription is needed for dad she said I should have got other estimates from other places before it was removed and has stated what she is willing to pay so therefore I must pay the the rest which is more than her. I've since added an appropriate line befitting of our dad without consulting her given she likely wouldn't pay anything more. The headstone being replaced has been delayed by at least 5 months as she wouldn't discuss it back in April 2021 and my hope of it going back at the time of the first anniversary of dads passing will be long passed as will now be replaced around May this year. I would have been happy to settle the invoice in full and my sister simply send me what she wished to pay but NO she wants the final invoice or presumably a copy so that she can settle her amount to them herself. I now assume I will have to explain something to the memorial company to say why they will receive two separate payments? Five hospital appointments last year for various tests due to my Covid infection which I couldn't talk to her about as received no compassion from her when I was hospitalised. I was only told was my own fault I caught because of visiting dad. According to her within days of dads funeral I was sorted at hospital 'chest infection cleared' and antibiotics given when I told her I had a blood clot in my lung and pneumonia. I did eventually recover well however the echocardiogram has found I have dilation in my ascending aorta which I understand is likely not related to Covid but an incidental finding. I will be continually monitored for this as can be serious and would have loved to have had a sister to share my fears and concerns with but its not to be. I'm definitely done with her and if she makes a further fuss over the headstone I shall just sort myself and good riddance to her forever. My relationship was good with dad although I admit the dementia did make some times very trying and he could get angry. My sister made things so much harder in the last year or so of his life as he became aware of our problems with each other which I tried endlessly to avoid but she couldn't. I didn't have time to grieve for my mum and the trauma of events with dads dementia since she passed in 2016 and sisters continual abuse I haven't recovered from and don't know that I will. I'm sure however disappointed you feel over the funeral you planned for your dad you did your absolute best and reality is nothing more can be asked of anyone. Sorry for the long post but I guess you will gather I'm still having a hard time myself and struggling. I hope you understand and I'm sending you a sincere heartfelt hug? in the hope you can start to believe in yourself and what you did. Just need to convince myself I did the best I could too