My father (a carer) cannot cope anymore but his mother says no to all other help

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Alyson1970, May 23, 2008.

  1. Alyson1970

    Alyson1970 Registered User

    Sep 23, 2007
    5
    Staffordshire
    Hello, I've only posted once before but I hope someone can offer some useful information as we seem to be coming up against brick walls all of the time! My grandmother (88) has Alzheimers and lives alone - my father is her only carer but he cannot cope with her personal needs or her nastiness. She has now started wandering and has been picked up by strangers 3 times already this week. My father provides all meals but now she is not even using the toilet, she goes in the out house or has just started peeing in front of him. He really cannot cope with this but her community psych nurse , the district nurse and social services all say that if she is unwilling to accept help then that's it! She needs 24 hour surveillance and needs to be in a home but she says no. What are we supposed to do if my dad cracks up first? I think there is more of a chance of him being sectioned before his mother. Has she really got to be knocked over or dragged out of a river before she is classed as being a danger to herself? If you let a child live alone like that you would be locked up. A phone call to say he cannot cope today has only resulted in her being invited to look around a day care centre a week on Monday. Is there any way at all somebody is going to look after her 24/7? Sorry for going on but this whole situation is ridiculous. She doesn't know what she is saying no to but that's all the so called health care professionals are bothered about. It sounds (and is) terrible but she needs to be sectioned to get some full time care. Any information would be most gratefully received. Thank-you, Alyson
     
  2. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    Hi aylson
    sorry I can't be of much help, as I am in the same situation, only its my dad caring for my step mum I am her pa but after today it might not be for much longer. I had to phone the sw this morning as dad was ill only to get a meeting at my house next week with out dad and Edna so I can talk open.
    It is hard when help is not accepted and I don't think much can be done. the sw keeps saying even with this people have there rights, sorry not any use but wanted to give you a big hug as I know just how you feel.
     
  3. Alyson1970

    Alyson1970 Registered User

    Sep 23, 2007
    5
    Staffordshire
    Hi, thanks for the hug! It's such a terrible disease isn't it. Nobody seems to want to help, or is able to. I hope you get something sorted out xx
     
  4. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    hope you get someting sorted out very soon to.
    good luck
     
  5. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Hi Alyson,

    I'm sorry to hear about your gradmother and about the terrible stress your father must be under. I'm sure in turn this is causing you terrible stress.

    Unfortunately I'm not this far in with mum so I don't have a lot of help to offer - I do seem to recall someone saying that Social Services have to respond if your father says he's not doing it anymore but I don't know what would happen if he did say that.

    I know your grandmother does not want to go into a home - I'm sure when the time comes my mum will be exactly the same - but I think your dad has reached the point that his mental and physical health has to be taken into consideration.

    I wonder whether your dad would consider an assessment unit rather than a move straight to a home? That way they could look at medication for your grandmother which may help to control her aggression?
     
  6. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    I am so sorry I cannot offer truly helpful advice. I guess if your Father withdrew help and then your Gran suffered, someone might just do something. But that is very hard for him to do.

    I do believe it is only when the carer is at breaking point that anyone acts. So before he gets to that point, I hope you can shout out loudly to all the authorities that both he and your Gran need help.

    Usually a crisis occurs and then matters are taken out of our hands. It is so so sad.

    Love Jan
     
  7. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Just an extra thought - I have found that Social Services etc have been more responsive to my parents when I started phoning them. I think my dad worries that if he's too assertive they may stop helping him - I have no such compunction.

    I wonder if you get on to them and tell them how unhappy you are and demand an emergency meeting to discuss options whether they will be a little more forth coming?

    Never hurts to mention getting in touch with your MP. I find that generally gets a response as well.
     
  8. Alyson1970

    Alyson1970 Registered User

    Sep 23, 2007
    5
    Staffordshire
    Thanks for your replies - it is really hard to get help when she comes across as quite normal when she needs too! She comes out with the rehearsed answers "yes I look after myself" "yes I make porridge and toast for breakfast" etc when really all she is capable of is eating biscuits, anything else is too much trouble. My dad tells them this but it doesn't seem to make much difference. It's hard for my dad to say to people he cannot cope as he's a typical 60 something man! My mum does lay it on thick to all who will listen but they just say at this stage if she says no then thats it. I've just been reading about social workers making a mental assessment to get her in a care home but when social services have spoken to her they have just said if she says no then they cannot act. Thanks for listening again xx
     
  9. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    No I don't think they can and to be fair I imagine that it is laws and rules that tie their hands a lot of the time - I think that's quite generous of me considering how rubbish our are!!

    I think maybe for an assessment unit it's the consultant of CPN you need to speak to.

    My dad is exactly the same - he's and when asked he puts on the manly thing and says "oh things aren't too bad" even though she's hit him three time in the last hour!

    My mum also can do oscar winning performance but as time goes on she is less able to control herself in front of people and has in the last few weeks tried to hit her social worker and carer!!:eek:

    It's hard for your dad to admit he can't cope - I'm a bit the same myself really. It's never an easy thing to admit - especially if he feels he's going to do something against your grans wishes. All you can do is support him and let him know that no one judges him for the decision he makes - is there any chance of getting him on here so he can see that others are in the same boat - it may help him to see that it's not that he alone can't manage - it's just a hellish disease that no one manages perfectly.
     
  10. Carolynlott

    Carolynlott Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    232
    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Hi Alyson,
    As others have said, it might come down to your Dad withdrawing his support - saying he can't cope any more. This is where my parents were at a few months back - my Mum, who also has AD, broke down and said she couldn't cope any more, the SW suggested respite care for a week to my Dad and he amazed us by saying yes. I think he thought it was a holiday - he took his passport and swimming trunks. After a week we knew there was no way he could go home and he went straight to a permanent care home. I know it doesn't make any sense - I supposed we tricked him into it but there was no other way. He certainly never consented to it, but after a week in respite he had deteriorated so much he didn't know where he was anyway.
     
  11. Cliff

    Cliff Registered User

    Jun 29, 2007
    777
    North Wales
    Hello Alyson,

    This dreadful disease creates many awful situations.

    Mine came just before last Christmas, and I didn't know what to do thanks to a v bad Social Worker.

    One solution I found afterwards was my GP. Doctors will take action if the case warrants it.

    If you or your Dad has a good GP, give it a try.

    Hope this helps a little.

    Very best wishes,
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Alyson

    That sounds like a horrendous situation, and obviously your dad can't cope with it for long.

    I think Cliff has the right idea. If SS are refusing to help, I'd try the medical route.

    Does your gran have a consultant? If so, you should ring thir secretary and ask for an emergency appointment to discuss your gran's deterioration. Go with your dad and her if you possibly can, your dad may not feel able to give the full picture.

    If your gran isn't under a consultant, then try the same tactics with the GP, and say you need a referral to a consultant as you can't cope any more without help.

    But if possible, go straight to the top.

    Please keep us informed, and good luck,
     
  13. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Alyson

    I agree with all of the above posters, but if your Dad was to say to SW, that he is no longer willing to provide care, SS would have to step in.
    As I understand it, SS have a duty of care and cannot then ignore the situation. IE. If a care plan has already been done by SS, then they they are obliged to provide the assessed care needs.
    If you get what I mean.

    Best of luck
    Alfjess
     

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