My decisions on how my husband is to die

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by daizee, Jun 6, 2006.

  1. daizee

    daizee Registered User

    Mar 31, 2006
    Broken Hill, Australia
    A Doctors visit has confirmed what I had been feeling, my darling husband only has months to live. His deterioration has become so rapid it seems to be happening before my eyes. The Doctor has said that due to the progression of his illness his body is slowly breaking down as the brain can no longer controll it. Basically the AD had not effected his physical health up untill about 5 months ago, when he started to slow down considerable.. He then became incontinent and in about April I had noticed him coughing a lot when swallowing, he is now having problems with conjestion and breathing and can no longer be helped to stand and walk a few steps as it is too much for him, even showering him with a shower chair distresses him. Due to swalling problems and the fear of it being injested into his lungs and causing pneumonia he was last week put on pureed food which he didn't like or want.Having talked to the Doctor, and paliative care nurses, I have with their consent and complete support decided to stop the pureed food and just let him have what ever he wants, he still likes tiny amounts of normal foods like chips (sharp ends taken off and softened a bit) tea, soft toast, deserts, icecream, bananas and chocolate and a few other things I try. I have also decided he is to have no medical help such as antibiotics or resusitation should a pneumonia develope. This will only weaken him trying to fight off an infection with antibiotics or not, to gain just a sick ,miserable week or two. I want him to live out the last months as I have tried to let him live for the past 7 years as a perfectly normal man ,as I know without the slightest doubt this is what he would want. He will not go into hospital at any stage as the Doctor and other Medical staff are more than happy to help me to keep him at home to be able to die in his own bed in his own home. He has been given a breathing mask to help make his breathing easier and I have asked that should he start to experience any pain or suffering, he be given medication to keep him pain free and comfortable untill nature takes its' course. Though my heart is breaking right now I know this is the time that I owe it to him to be strong . I will always love him sickness and in health till death do us part...............Daizee
  2. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    Brave decision

    Dear Daizee,
    How brave you must be, to have to consider these things and make a decision. Quality time is what really matters and only you know what your husband would want. I am sure he knows, in his own way that you will always love him and be there for him. I shall be thinking of you both in the difficult times ahead.
    The time left will be very precious indeed for you both and I wish you well.
  3. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    Dear Daizee,
    Your post sounds like a pledge, you are an inspiration!
    This is such a tough time for you, and I am glad you have plenty of professional and hopefully personal (family?) support.
    I wish you strength and comfort, and if you ever waver in this difficult task, come back to TP and read your own post - I wish I could always see the path ahead as clearly as you do!
    Best wishes to you both.
  4. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi Daizee
    So sorry to hear about your husband, i know exactly what you mean when you say your heart is breaking as i'm in a similar predicament and mine is too!

    I understand your decision and your reasons and i totally respect that, I know the road your taking and i take my hat off to you for being so strong.

    I have taken a different decision, for different reasons but it makes it no easier to bear.

    I am told by the medical staff that our time is very close now and every moment is precious, unfortunately i do know that this gets harder to bear, the nearer the time comes.

    Just want you to know that i'm here if you need to talk anytime.

    Sending a (Hug) your way
    Kind regards
  5. daizee

    daizee Registered User

    Mar 31, 2006
    Broken Hill, Australia
    I'm sorry if I sounded totally full of myself as if I was making a grand and noble statement, saying this is what I'm doing aren't I good . Ididn't mean it as such, it is just my way of telling people exactly how I am feeling as honestly and openly as I can , so anyone else who may face the same situation can think 'well thats how it was for her, so now what decisions will I make ' If it sounded like I was trying to be Captain Courageous, I probably was.I just want to say ,this is my way but not the only way, different situations, different people, different decisions, and these sort of decisions have to be lived with for the rest our lives, this is just my way of dealing with it.................hope I didn't offend...........Daizee
  6. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Daizee,
    Tried to send a PM but your box is full!!
    You didn't sound
    You have struggled recently, as you knew you had decisions to make - I am so pleased that you have resolved some of your pain - I know it doesn't stop it crucifying you, but you know now how you are going to handle this final part of the journey.
    Take care, keep posting, and hug the dog!
    Love Helen.
  7. mumof3

    mumof3 Registered User

    Feb 6, 2006
    Just to echo Helen, you did not sound in the least full of yourself in your post. You and your husband have been dealt a crxxxy hand and you are dealing with things in a way that you know is right for your husband and yourself. It sounds as if medical expertise is behind you all the way too. To me your post reads like a strong brave woman who most obviously loves her husband dearly and knows his wishes.
    Stay strong.
  8. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Hi Daizee

    Please, please don't ever feel you have to apologise to us for how you feel and decisions or actions you have to take. We understand how dreadfully painful this all is for you, and personally I support you all the way.
    (Huh, now I'm sounding pretentious, like it matters what I think! I just meant to clarify that I wasn't trying to speak for anyone else.)

    I think you are totally right to feed Gill whatever he will eat and enjoy, rather than feed him slop which he doesn't want.
    How about, ice cream & banana mousse with a drop of rum for variety, if he would like that.

    I appreciate your heart must be breaking up inside, but I'm sure it will heal better for knowing that you gave Gill the best care you could to the end and, most importantly, made it possible for him to keep his dignity. (and PS, 'courageous' isn't a dirty word.)

    With love, sympathy & genuine admiration
  9. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Lynne,
    Trust you to suggest a drop of rum!! Thinking about it, I think that would go well with a drop of Baileys.
  10. daizee

    daizee Registered User

    Mar 31, 2006
    Broken Hill, Australia
    Thanks to all , though Gill and I were never drinkers, the thought of having a small drop has crossed my mind , for me not Gill, but I'm too scared in case it takes my mind off things for a while, as I could probably get used to it big time.................Cheers Daizee
  11. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    Dear Daizee,
    I can only say, I would do the same thing. It is a personal choice of course and I respect everyones right to make it. I personally do not want my Mom to be kept alive only to suffer more of what this disease will dish out. If it were my husband I would feel the same way.
    Still, you are courageous and it probably is harder to let them go rather than keep them here by extraordinary means. You do have strength and faith that I hope I can live up to when the time comes.
    Take care,
  12. chrisply

    chrisply Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    Surrey UK
    #12 chrisply, Jun 18, 2006
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2006
    Dear Daizee
    My heart goes out to you. I too had to make difficult decisions when my husband`s condition deteriorated. He was already on pureed food, fortunately he quite liked it. However the day came when his difficulties with swallowing meant it was too dangerous to continue feeding him. I refused a feeding tube, but allowed him to be put on a saline drip for fluid intake. I was grateful that the care home called me in so I was able to be with him when he passed away.
    I am glad you found the strength to make your own decisions and that you have the support and guidance of medical staff.
    One piece of advice that I received I will pass on to you is to enjoy him while you can.
    My thoughts are with you. Be strong.
  13. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Thank you Chrisply, I think that we all need to take heed of your advice

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