1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Weds 28 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 28 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

My dear mum passed away yesterday

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Martin099, Dec 5, 2015.

  1. Martin099

    Martin099 Registered User

    Nov 13, 2012
    53
    Dorset
    My poor mum passed away in the early ours of yesterday morning, aged 71.

    After at least 7 years of fighting mixed dementia, upset, stress, tears, home care, care homes, I thought it might not hit me so hard when mum passed away. I always felt that I was losing my mum over a number of years and that the pain would be less, but how wrong I was. Mum changed over the last few years but she was still my mum, I loved her just the same and now she's gone the pain is unbearable - it hurts so much.
    I hope I don't sound selfish because deep down I know that mum is now at peace - she watched her mum struggle with dementia and had always said to me not to let the same thing happen to her, she was a very strong supporter of 'dignity in dying' and it hurt so much to see her being spoon fed, having her pads changed and having to be hoisted in and out of a chair, day after day after day.
    The care home staff were magnificent and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.
    I know that mum is now at peace and reunited with my dear dad.
    (dad passed away 8 years ago after a brave fight with Lieukaemia).

    You are forever in my heart mum, I miss you so much, I love you, Martin xxx
     
  2. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Sorry to hear your sad news Martin, but I'm sure she knew how much you loved her, and is now back to her old self just as you would want her to be I'm sure, with your Dad.

    Take one day at a time, and don't expect too much of yourself at the moment.
    Hugs.
     
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    Thinking of you and praying that you will find peace now that your mum has found her peace xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  4. Clueless2

    Clueless2 Registered User

    May 14, 2015
    34
    Martin,
    I am so sorry for your loss. Despite always knowing that eventually this day will come, nothing really prepares you when it actually does.

    I lost my father earlier this year (cancer), but whenever I visit mum (dementia) have to pretend that he has "just popped out to drop the car at the garage". I feel as though I am postponing my grieving until that point in time when I will be able to let both of them go, when I no longer have to tell love lies and supress the great sadness that I feel.

    Your mum will always be with you in your heart; hopefully the "real" mum, that was there before the dementia will eventually be the happy memory that you think of, instead of the sadness today.
     
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,236
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm sorry to hear your news. Sending my condolences.
     
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    I'm so very sorry, Martin. Even when we are expecting it, it still comes as a huge shock. Please accept my condolences.
     
  7. scattysue

    scattysue Registered User

    Aug 20, 2015
    65
    I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss Martin - be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve for the final loss of your mum. It doesn't matter how much we prepare ourselves for the loss of a loved one it still comes as a shock when it actually happens.
    Thinking of you
     
  8. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,629
    North West
    So sorry to hear this sad news Martin.
     
  9. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,409
    Female
    England
    My condolences, such sad news.
     
  10. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,042
    I am so sorry for your loss Martin. You don't sound selfish just someone who loved greatly and now feels the pain of that loss. Be gentle on yourself as your Mum would be.
     
  11. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    So sorry Martin. Only time can ease the pain of losing your Mum. We all grieve in our own way so dont feel its wrong. In the end its your mum who is gone and i hope the memories of dementia can fade. Try to remember her at her best as eventually it will help.
     
  12. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    11,265
    Female
    near Folkestone
    So sorry to hear your sad news Martin . Wishing you strength for the coming days x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  13. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    So sorry for your pain Martin. Think of your Mum and dad as two stars in the sky looking down on you. It helped me to think of my Mum looking down on me from a beautiful place.

    Heidi x
     
  14. Roses40

    Roses40 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    473
    manchester
    My deepest condolances on the loss of your parents. Love Rose x
     
  15. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,293
    SW London
    So sorry to hear your sad news, but I do understand exactly how you feel about seeing someone you love lose their dignity. I felt just the same, and despite the sadness could not help being partly thankful for my poor mother that she was no longer in that pitiful state. But she was a lot older - 71 is no age nowadays - it must all have been so terribly hard for you. xx
     
  16. Dazmum

    Dazmum Registered User

    I'm so sorry Martin, thinking of you and your family xxx
     
  17. Martin099

    Martin099 Registered User

    Nov 13, 2012
    53
    Dorset
    Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and wishes.

    I know the grieving will be painful and right now i'm struggling terribly with guilt...why didn't I do this? what if i'd done that / not done that? could I have done more. Also despite normally visting 3 or 4 times each week I was not at my mum's side for the last two days of her life - if only I could have known what was to happen on Friday morning.
    I'm in a dark place right now but also so thankful and blessed that i have a very loving wife and two beautiful young girls (3 and 1).

    My heart goes out to all of you who continue to care so lovingly for your loved ones. You are all so inspirational in the face of adversity and your loved one would be so proud of you. This illness is so emotionally draining I know but together we can find the strength - i'm thinking of you all.

    I will keep posting because hopefully i might be able to help others in some small way.

    Martin x
     
  18. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    515
    Scotland
    Dear Martin, your love shines through - your mum was truly blessed xx
     
  19. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,059
    Toronto, Canada
    Dear Martin, I'm so sorry to hear your news. As much as we think we'll be able to handle the death of our loved ones, the reality is oh so different. My condolences to you and your family.
     
  20. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    That final loss is so hard Martin. Condolences to you and your family.
     

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