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My dear mum passed away yesterday

Martin099

Registered User
Nov 13, 2012
53
Dorset
My poor mum passed away in the early ours of yesterday morning, aged 71.

After at least 7 years of fighting mixed dementia, upset, stress, tears, home care, care homes, I thought it might not hit me so hard when mum passed away. I always felt that I was losing my mum over a number of years and that the pain would be less, but how wrong I was. Mum changed over the last few years but she was still my mum, I loved her just the same and now she's gone the pain is unbearable - it hurts so much.
I hope I don't sound selfish because deep down I know that mum is now at peace - she watched her mum struggle with dementia and had always said to me not to let the same thing happen to her, she was a very strong supporter of 'dignity in dying' and it hurt so much to see her being spoon fed, having her pads changed and having to be hoisted in and out of a chair, day after day after day.
The care home staff were magnificent and I thank them from the bottom of my heart.
I know that mum is now at peace and reunited with my dear dad.
(dad passed away 8 years ago after a brave fight with Lieukaemia).

You are forever in my heart mum, I miss you so much, I love you, Martin xxx
 

Mrsbusy

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
355
Sorry to hear your sad news Martin, but I'm sure she knew how much you loved her, and is now back to her old self just as you would want her to be I'm sure, with your Dad.

Take one day at a time, and don't expect too much of yourself at the moment.
Hugs.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Thinking of you and praying that you will find peace now that your mum has found her peace xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

Clueless2

Registered User
May 14, 2015
34
Martin,
I am so sorry for your loss. Despite always knowing that eventually this day will come, nothing really prepares you when it actually does.

I lost my father earlier this year (cancer), but whenever I visit mum (dementia) have to pretend that he has "just popped out to drop the car at the garage". I feel as though I am postponing my grieving until that point in time when I will be able to let both of them go, when I no longer have to tell love lies and supress the great sadness that I feel.

Your mum will always be with you in your heart; hopefully the "real" mum, that was there before the dementia will eventually be the happy memory that you think of, instead of the sadness today.
 

scattysue

Registered User
Aug 20, 2015
65
I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss Martin - be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve for the final loss of your mum. It doesn't matter how much we prepare ourselves for the loss of a loved one it still comes as a shock when it actually happens.
Thinking of you
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,035
I am so sorry for your loss Martin. You don't sound selfish just someone who loved greatly and now feels the pain of that loss. Be gentle on yourself as your Mum would be.
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
So sorry Martin. Only time can ease the pain of losing your Mum. We all grieve in our own way so dont feel its wrong. In the end its your mum who is gone and i hope the memories of dementia can fade. Try to remember her at her best as eventually it will help.
 

hvml

Registered User
Oct 10, 2015
297
North Cornwall
So sorry for your pain Martin. Think of your Mum and dad as two stars in the sky looking down on you. It helped me to think of my Mum looking down on me from a beautiful place.

Heidi x
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
So sorry to hear your sad news, but I do understand exactly how you feel about seeing someone you love lose their dignity. I felt just the same, and despite the sadness could not help being partly thankful for my poor mother that she was no longer in that pitiful state. But she was a lot older - 71 is no age nowadays - it must all have been so terribly hard for you. xx
 

Martin099

Registered User
Nov 13, 2012
53
Dorset
Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and wishes.

I know the grieving will be painful and right now i'm struggling terribly with guilt...why didn't I do this? what if i'd done that / not done that? could I have done more. Also despite normally visting 3 or 4 times each week I was not at my mum's side for the last two days of her life - if only I could have known what was to happen on Friday morning.
I'm in a dark place right now but also so thankful and blessed that i have a very loving wife and two beautiful young girls (3 and 1).

My heart goes out to all of you who continue to care so lovingly for your loved ones. You are all so inspirational in the face of adversity and your loved one would be so proud of you. This illness is so emotionally draining I know but together we can find the strength - i'm thinking of you all.

I will keep posting because hopefully i might be able to help others in some small way.

Martin x
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,310
66
Toronto, Canada
Dear Martin, I'm so sorry to hear your news. As much as we think we'll be able to handle the death of our loved ones, the reality is oh so different. My condolences to you and your family.
 

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