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My dear Mum passed away last night

Emily M

Registered User
Jan 20, 2015
178
Mum passed away in the early hours of this morning. Because she had Alzheimer’s it is a blessing, I thought I would cope better than I am now but I am totally devastated. This is worse than Dad’s passing. He still looked fairly well and still had a sharp mind. He didn’t have Alzheimer’s, knew he would not go on for long and said so. It was almost as if he planned it – “I’ve had enough and I’m going.” Mum was so vulnerable, didn’t deserve this and had no control over it.

The story is all too familiar. She went into a home in June when things got so bad. I was happy with this as step father was finding it difficult to cope. She readily accepted the home; she was better fed, in beautiful surroundings and spent most of the day wandering around. All was well until last month she fell and broke her hip. The operation went well and she seemed to be recovering well, though was not walking. Then a week ago she became unwell with some kind of unspecific infection and was taken to hospital. They thought she wouldn’t last the night, but she went on for 6 days. A strong heart and lungs. I hadn’t seen her for 3 or 4 weeks and I was shocked at how much thinner she was. Every day she looked a little worse. I doubt she weighed 32 kilos at the end. Poor Mum.

To complicate things we are supposed to be going on holiday in a week's time. Everything is in place and it is possible to go, though I don't really feel like it. It is so difficult to go away or think about enjoying oneself until Mum is finally put to rest. I have my husband to consider as he was really looking forward to the break. How do you ever comes to terms with this? It's all so complicated.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,166
68
Dundee
I'm so sorry to read of your loss. Sending my condolences.

I'm glad you've posted on TP. I'm sure it will help to share your feelings as many others will have had similar experiences and I know you will find support here.
 

janey106

Registered User
Dec 10, 2013
139
Mum passed away in the early hours of this morning. Because she had Alzheimer’s it is a blessing, I thought I would cope better than I am now but I am totally devastated. This is worse than Dad’s passing. He still looked fairly well and still had a sharp mind. He didn’t have Alzheimer’s, knew he would not go on for long and said so. It was almost as if he planned it – “I’ve had enough and I’m going.” Mum was so vulnerable, didn’t deserve this and had no control over it.

The story is all too familiar. She went into a home in June when things got so bad. I was happy with this as step father was finding it difficult to cope. She readily accepted the home; she was better fed, in beautiful surroundings and spent most of the day wandering around. All was well until last month she fell and broke her hip. The operation went well and she seemed to be recovering well, though was not walking. Then a week ago she became unwell with some kind of unspecific infection and was taken to hospital. They thought she wouldn’t last the night, but she went on for 6 days. A strong heart and lungs. I hadn’t seen her for 3 or 4 weeks and I was shocked at how much thinner she was. Every day she looked a little worse. I doubt she weighed 32 kilos at the end. Poor Mum.

To complicate things we are supposed to be going on holiday in a week's time. Everything is in place and it is possible to go, though I don't really feel like it. It is so difficult to go away or think about enjoying oneself until Mum is finally put to rest. I have my husband to consider as he was really looking forward to the break. How do you ever comes to terms with this? It's all so complicated.

So sorry Emily - just wanted to send my condolences. You are right, it is so complicated, so many emotions and so many thoughts, and it will take time to reach a point of 'coming to terms' with it. Don't think anyone would say there is a way or a time in which to do it. You must do what is right for you and your family. Thinking of you.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
So sorry Emily - just wanted to send my condolences. You are right, it is so complicated, so many emotions and so many thoughts, and it will take time to reach a point of 'coming to terms' with it. Don't think anyone would say there is a way or a time in which to do it. You must do what is right for you and your family. Thinking of you.
Absolutely agree with Janey. I am so sorry for your loss Emily, and I am sorry too that you're having to consider so many things, when you probably least feel like it. Whatever decision you reach, it will be the right one for you and your family.

May your dear Mum's sweet soul Rest In Peace. xxx
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
I'm so sorry, Emily, please accept my condolences. It's very hard, regarding the holiday, but perhaps if you do decide to go it would give you time to think about your mum, away from all the practicalities at home, and to gather your strength to face the days ahead.

xx
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,326
66
Toronto, Canada
I'm sorry to hear your sad news, Emily. Although we think we may be ready, and our loved one may in a dreadful state, it still is a great shock to us. No matter how ready we may think we are, we never seem to be.

I think going on the holiday may be beneficial. It could give you a hiatus from your regular world.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
I'm so sorry to read your sad post. Please accept my condolences.

Take care of yourself now and do what is right for your family

Love

Lyn T XX
 

Kerryblue

Registered User
Oct 4, 2015
42
Dear Emily

I'm so sorry to read your sad post. Please accept my condolences.

Take care of yourself now and do what is right for your family

Love

Lyn T XX


Oh Emily I am sorry to hear abou the loss of your Mum. No matter how much we know one day this will happen it's still a terrible thing to deal with and always a shock. You must have so many different emotions going through your mind.

I am sure you could both do with a much needed break. If you really feel you can't go away yet I am sure you have exceptional circumstances perhaps to delay your holiday?

Every day you might change your mind so maybe talk it all through with holiday people you booked with and see what your option are. You probably have a lot to organise right now. Sometimes the worst bit is after the funeral etc when the shock can really sink in.

It sounds like you did everything possible to support and care for your mum. Try to take comfort from that. Thinking of you. I think you should keep posting on here. People do,know what you are going through. X
 

tryingmybest

Registered User
May 22, 2015
631
I am so very sorry to hear this and there are never any words to ease the pain of losing a parent or loved one. I think if it were me, I would try and rearrange the holiday until after the funeral so that you can relax and enjoy (if thats possible in the sad circumstances) some time with your husband. Sending you love and strength to get through these difficult days ahead. Xx
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,070
Suffolk
Sorry to hear your news and send my deepest sympathy to you.
Smile sweetly at the funeral director and try and get funeral in before you go on holiday ( my stepdau did this and it worked). On no account lose your holiday even if the funeral is afterwards.
 

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
Radcliffe on Trent
So sad for you. It's very hard to think logically when you are still coping with the shock of your loss, but don't worry about what anyone else thinks. When my mum died, we decided to delay the funeral by a couple of weeks so it didn't happen in the week of my sister's birthday.

Your funeral director will certainly know what is possible, so I would talk to him first. In our part of the country it would be quite hard to arrange a funeral within a week - we couldn't even get an appointment with the registrar for nearly a week - and most family lived a long way away so needed time to make travel arrangements.
 

Emily M

Registered User
Jan 20, 2015
178
Sorry to hear your news and send my deepest sympathy to you.
Smile sweetly at the funeral director and try and get funeral in before you go on holiday ( my stepdau did this and it worked). On no account lose your holiday even if the funeral is afterwards.
Thanks for your reply Spamar. I am afraid it looks like things are out of our hands because I now find there is the possibility of a coroner's report because Mum had a fall in September, broke her hip and had an operation. We should find out in the next day or two but the funeral will not be until after the middle of November at the earliest We will still have a holiday even it we delay it.
 

Emily M

Registered User
Jan 20, 2015
178
So sad for you. It's very hard to think logically when you are still coping with the shock of your loss, but don't worry about what anyone else thinks. When my mum died, we decided to delay the funeral by a couple of weeks so it didn't happen in the week of my sister's birthday.

Your funeral director will certainly know what is possible, so I would talk to him first. In our part of the country it would be quite hard to arrange a funeral within a week - we couldn't even get an appointment with the registrar for nearly a week - and most family lived a long way away so needed time to make travel arrangements.
Thanks Pickles.

I can take up to 2 weeks after all the paperwork has been received to set a date where she lived. Now, I think it is going to take longer than we thought and I have just heard that with a fall and broken hip the coroner can sometimes be involved. We also have family coming from many places but I had hoped for the last week and a half in November, now everything is up in the air.
 

Emily M

Registered User
Jan 20, 2015
178
I'm sorry to hear your sad news, Emily. Although we think we may be ready, and our loved one may in a dreadful state, it still is a great shock to us. No matter how ready we may think we are, we never seem to be.

I think going on the holiday may be beneficial. It could give you a hiatus from your regular world.
What you say is very true, Joanne. In some ways it is a relief because no-one, least of all Mum, would have chosen to suffer from Alzheimer's. I think it is harder to bear as Mum was not able to express her true feelings and I never knew for sure in the last 3 or 4 weeks whether she recognised me or not though I am sure knew I was family.

I have just found out that because she had a fall that led to the broken hip, following an operation, a coroner may be involved, so it is getting more likely that the funeral may be later on in November. Going away really depends if everything can be put in place in the next few days and what I feel like. I agree with you that the holiday may be beneficial, particularly if things are going to be dragged out as it might take my mind off of things.