My dear Mum passed away last night

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Emily M, Oct 25, 2015.

  1. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    Mum passed away in the early hours of this morning. Because she had Alzheimer’s it is a blessing, I thought I would cope better than I am now but I am totally devastated. This is worse than Dad’s passing. He still looked fairly well and still had a sharp mind. He didn’t have Alzheimer’s, knew he would not go on for long and said so. It was almost as if he planned it – “I’ve had enough and I’m going.” Mum was so vulnerable, didn’t deserve this and had no control over it.

    The story is all too familiar. She went into a home in June when things got so bad. I was happy with this as step father was finding it difficult to cope. She readily accepted the home; she was better fed, in beautiful surroundings and spent most of the day wandering around. All was well until last month she fell and broke her hip. The operation went well and she seemed to be recovering well, though was not walking. Then a week ago she became unwell with some kind of unspecific infection and was taken to hospital. They thought she wouldn’t last the night, but she went on for 6 days. A strong heart and lungs. I hadn’t seen her for 3 or 4 weeks and I was shocked at how much thinner she was. Every day she looked a little worse. I doubt she weighed 32 kilos at the end. Poor Mum.

    To complicate things we are supposed to be going on holiday in a week's time. Everything is in place and it is possible to go, though I don't really feel like it. It is so difficult to go away or think about enjoying oneself until Mum is finally put to rest. I have my husband to consider as he was really looking forward to the break. How do you ever comes to terms with this? It's all so complicated.
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry to read of your loss. Sending my condolences.

    I'm glad you've posted on TP. I'm sure it will help to share your feelings as many others will have had similar experiences and I know you will find support here.
  3. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013

    So sorry Emily - just wanted to send my condolences. You are right, it is so complicated, so many emotions and so many thoughts, and it will take time to reach a point of 'coming to terms' with it. Don't think anyone would say there is a way or a time in which to do it. You must do what is right for you and your family. Thinking of you.
  4. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    Absolutely agree with Janey. I am so sorry for your loss Emily, and I am sorry too that you're having to consider so many things, when you probably least feel like it. Whatever decision you reach, it will be the right one for you and your family.

    May your dear Mum's sweet soul Rest In Peace. xxx
  5. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    My deepest sympathies Emily wishing you strength at this sad time xxx
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    I'm so sorry, Emily, please accept my condolences. It's very hard, regarding the holiday, but perhaps if you do decide to go it would give you time to think about your mum, away from all the practicalities at home, and to gather your strength to face the days ahead.

  7. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    I'm sorry to hear your sad news, Emily. Although we think we may be ready, and our loved one may in a dreadful state, it still is a great shock to us. No matter how ready we may think we are, we never seem to be.

    I think going on the holiday may be beneficial. It could give you a hiatus from your regular world.
  8. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    I am so sorry
  9. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    I'm so sorry to read your sad post. Please accept my condolences.

    Take care of yourself now and do what is right for your family


    Lyn T XX
  10. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    Dear Emily

    Oh Emily I am sorry to hear abou the loss of your Mum. No matter how much we know one day this will happen it's still a terrible thing to deal with and always a shock. You must have so many different emotions going through your mind.

    I am sure you could both do with a much needed break. If you really feel you can't go away yet I am sure you have exceptional circumstances perhaps to delay your holiday?

    Every day you might change your mind so maybe talk it all through with holiday people you booked with and see what your option are. You probably have a lot to organise right now. Sometimes the worst bit is after the funeral etc when the shock can really sink in.

    It sounds like you did everything possible to support and care for your mum. Try to take comfort from that. Thinking of you. I think you should keep posting on here. People do,know what you are going through. X
  11. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    The Sweet North
    Sending you my deepest sympathy, and wishing you comfort at this sad time, and the strength to help you decide what is best for you and your family.
  12. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    I am so very sorry to hear this and there are never any words to ease the pain of losing a parent or loved one. I think if it were me, I would try and rearrange the holiday until after the funeral so that you can relax and enjoy (if thats possible in the sad circumstances) some time with your husband. Sending you love and strength to get through these difficult days ahead. Xx
  13. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Sorry to hear your news and send my deepest sympathy to you.
    Smile sweetly at the funeral director and try and get funeral in before you go on holiday ( my stepdau did this and it worked). On no account lose your holiday even if the funeral is afterwards.
  14. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    Can only agree with what others have said. Sending my deepest sympathy.
  15. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    So sad for you. It's very hard to think logically when you are still coping with the shock of your loss, but don't worry about what anyone else thinks. When my mum died, we decided to delay the funeral by a couple of weeks so it didn't happen in the week of my sister's birthday.

    Your funeral director will certainly know what is possible, so I would talk to him first. In our part of the country it would be quite hard to arrange a funeral within a week - we couldn't even get an appointment with the registrar for nearly a week - and most family lived a long way away so needed time to make travel arrangements.
  16. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    So very sorry for the loss of your dear Mum.
  17. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    Thanks for your reply Spamar. I am afraid it looks like things are out of our hands because I now find there is the possibility of a coroner's report because Mum had a fall in September, broke her hip and had an operation. We should find out in the next day or two but the funeral will not be until after the middle of November at the earliest We will still have a holiday even it we delay it.
  18. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    Thanks Pickles.

    I can take up to 2 weeks after all the paperwork has been received to set a date where she lived. Now, I think it is going to take longer than we thought and I have just heard that with a fall and broken hip the coroner can sometimes be involved. We also have family coming from many places but I had hoped for the last week and a half in November, now everything is up in the air.
  19. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    I am so sorry to read your sad news. Thinking of you. x
  20. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    What you say is very true, Joanne. In some ways it is a relief because no-one, least of all Mum, would have chosen to suffer from Alzheimer's. I think it is harder to bear as Mum was not able to express her true feelings and I never knew for sure in the last 3 or 4 weeks whether she recognised me or not though I am sure knew I was family.

    I have just found out that because she had a fall that led to the broken hip, following an operation, a coroner may be involved, so it is getting more likely that the funeral may be later on in November. Going away really depends if everything can be put in place in the next few days and what I feel like. I agree with you that the holiday may be beneficial, particularly if things are going to be dragged out as it might take my mind off of things.

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