I don’t know how this writing will be received. My mother is getting very close to the end now. She is in a Nursing Home and I have heard she is delirious and uncommunicative. She cries out for her mother and has even gone back to her former language, which she has not spoken in 50 years. She is suffering and I, her daughter, who loves her with all my heart, cannot go see her. I am terrified to see her in this state. It’s been ten long years and I have tried to help to the best of my ability but I cannot go there now. I cannot watch her suffer and die. I know I am not up to this. I know people will say I should go, but I am afraid if I go I will break down completely. My health is not good at all. Several years ago I had a mild stroke and there have been other issues as well. It is all I can do to hold myself together now. I cry frequently, I pray, and I try to hang on. I have a real fear of dying and of funerals (goes way back) and I also just don’t want to see her suffering. I don’t think she recognizes anyone now and she is sleeping (mercifully) most of the time. Other family members go see her but she does not communicate. I guess they are stronger than me. I know in my heart that I love her dearly and that she would (if she could) tell me that it is okay not to go. I know she always knew that I love her dearly. But, I feel awful and guilty for not going. I try to force myself and I panic. I dont care what people will think or say because I knew and she always knew that we were very close (best friends, really) all our lives. But I feel guilty anyway. PS: I hope my words made sense because I am very upset as I write this.