my dads ill but my mum's driving me mad?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by mcmullan, Dec 6, 2007.

  1. mcmullan

    mcmullan Registered User

    Dec 6, 2007
    6
    anglesey
    oh my where do i start?my dad has vascular dementia which after a fall a few weeks ago has deteireated rapidly,he is now in a small local hospital(another subject later on).I go down every day to sit with him for a couple of hours even though it breaks my heart to see my dad who was once this big strong man (ex puplican)waste away infront of me,as i know it calms him.He didn't give my mum the best life as he was a drinker(ex merchant sea-man)so he never kept a job for longer than five minutes until they eventually ran a pub.anyway to cut a long story short it's my mum who is cracking me up more than anyone,she has been in denial all her life about my dad and still is until now,i feel like she is playing the poor me card all the time,for example she was goin to the hospital at 11 and staying till 5 not cause she wants to,but for people+staff to be saying how wonderful she is and then ringing me+anyone else for that matter to say how she needs a break +how upsetting it is for her, and i just don't feel it if you know what i mean?I just feel like he's an inconveniance to her and she can't wait to get back to bingo.i've put the flowers in his room,photo's of all the kids+grankids i've asked for a telly for some background noise for him otherwise he would just be sitting there staring at four walls if she had her way.don't get me wrong i'm very close to my mum but if one more person asks me how my mum is i think i'll scream,yeh she's fine but my dad's not.my dad is meant to be having a peg put into his stomach as he's had cancer of the tonsils and cannot swallow, they have now asked us about resusitation which as a family are divided on,myself and my brother want him to have at least one chance but my mum+sister are saying let him go put him out of his misery,how can you say that when he's just been telling you he likes your shoes?anyway is it normal to be clashing like this?we really have got a complicated past as a family but are also very close at the same ime.any advice would be gratefull.
     
  2. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello mcmullen, and welcome to TP.

    I am sorry to hear of your fathers deterioration and of what you have described about your mothers actions, you could of being talking about my dad he is very much like that also, all show.

    I don't think it's unusual for a family to be divided on life threatening medical issues and as we are all individuals we have different views, but, I guess at the end of the day if it were to come to a decision having to be made, it will be up to your mum.

    I do sympathise with your situation. Regards Taffy.
     
  3. mcmullan

    mcmullan Registered User

    Dec 6, 2007
    6
    anglesey
    my mum

    thanx taffy,it's so frustrating i just want my mum to have a little grace(if you know what i mean)?and hopefully as far as the resusitation goes it won't come to that,although knowing my dad he won't go quietly lol bless him,anyway i'm getting ready to go see him now but i'll probably get a phone call off mum saying she's not going as it's raining(she literally lives round the corner from hospital)oh well i can't force her can i? but thanx anyway
     
  4. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Hi McMullan

    I'm sorry to hear about your dad - I'm sure it's not helped by there being a clash in the family.

    I can understand your feelings about your mum - hada similar one with my fiances mother when he died. The week before he died (in intensive care in Vegas) she went to see him once and spent the rest of her time in the casinos but told all and sundry about what a good mother she was to come all that way to be with him - to this day I'll never know how I didn't swing for her.

    However, as time has passed (nine years) I've realised that she probably was grieving but in her way - she was someone who needed the attention and support from others to get through it. I can't deny I still judge her for it to some extent but just because someone isn't grieving as you think they should or isn;t as emotionally strong as you, doesn't mean they're not hurting. If she stayed with your dad through all the bad times she must love him.

    I think it's hard to see that when you're hurting yourself and you clearly are in a world of pain.

    As to the treatment, well you need to try and talk about it as a family as calmly and as open mindedly (not really a word I know!) as you can.

    I think that is a subject that it is impossible for anyone to give advice on, it's so personal. Myself for instance - I asked the hospital to fight for my fiance but ended up wishing I had let him go. You all need to talk about it and explain why you feel as you do. Maybe your thoughts on the matter are ones that haven't occured to your mum in her sadness - it is hard to think well if you're unhappy.

    I hope all goes well with you and you can find some peace together as a family at this sad time.
     
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi, can really symphasise. Just a thought! How would YOU like to be treated? It can often be a starting point.

    Try to find out as much as you can about 'Peg' tube.
    I have heard is described as "not so much as prolonging life - but prolonging Death". I can see where that thinking occurs.

    Sit round and discuss things rationally, if possibe. You might find that you have more common ground than you realise.

    Don't let this invidious desease split the family, it has already started to take your dear dad.

    Please let us know how things progress.
     
  6. mcmullan

    mcmullan Registered User

    Dec 6, 2007
    6
    anglesey
    my mum

    hi,i felt really awful this morning after i posted my last thread,mum did come down to the hospital to see dad and as he has been the last couple of days he was sleeping,is this normal?the nurses couldn't wake him until 11.45 he was up with us for about an hour and then we had to put him to bed again as he was falling asleep in his chair.He is starting to get sores over his legs due to the vascular problems and his feet were swelling up and turning purple so i asked the nurses for a stool to put his feet up on,and then gave him a foot massage to get his circulation going.like i said i know at the end of the day it will be mum's choice to make about dad,but i love him so much i can't bear the thought of him not being here ever again (selfish i know) but i'm a dad's girl
     
  7. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Please don't feel bad about posting your thread - sometimes these things have got to be said virtually or otherwise so that you can move on from them.

    As to you being selfish - of course you're not. Who would want to be parted from a dearly loved dad? I'm a daddy's girl too!

    I think Connie's advice to you was great - get educated - find out all that you can and ask the hard questions of the doctors.

    I'm thinking of you.
     
  8. icklebutterfly

    icklebutterfly Registered User

    Dec 5, 2007
    7
    East Sussex
    Hi McMullan,

    I'm so sorry to hear that your dad's health is deteriorating. I'm a nurse and have worked in a acute hospital for the last 7 years. I'm not going to give you any advice about your dad's condition because it would be misleading and I could give you the wrong information without knowing all of the details.

    There are a couple of things that I would suggest, although I stress that these are ideas only.

    The Mental Capacity Act (MCA) was fully implemented in October 07, this has changed the law and has meant that all medical staff have to change their practice around consent, advanced decisions (including resuscitation, treatment, PEG's etc...).

    So you could ask the nursing staff if your dad has had a mental capacity assessment and what the outcome was. If he is assessed as having no mental capacity, then it means that any care, treatment etc...should be discussed and clearly recorded with the family in a Best Interests Meeting prior to any action being taken.

    Does anyone in the family have Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA)? If so, that person can be involved in making decisions around your dad's health. But these decisions can be over-ruled by the people attending a Best Interests Meeting. Here's a useful link that might give you some more information: http://www.justice.gov.uk/docs/mca-2005-easyread.pdf

    I would also suggest that you speak to the nursing staff about your dad's condition and make it known that you and your family would like them to update you on his condition as often as possible.

    I hope this is helpful, it is difficult to know what decision to make and what to do for the best. But it's also worthwhile being aware of the law now too, because this is likely to have an impact on any decision making.

    Natasha
     
  9. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,424
    I have to say I find that rather worrisome, if true. I'm referring to the over-ruling part. What if the holder of the LPA can't attend the meeting? As a former long distance carer (i'm in the US, my mother was in the UK) I can easily imagine people in my situation having an LPA but not being "on the ground" so to speak - there's nothing as far as I'm aware that says such an LPA holder has to be in the UK. Now I know that holding an LPA isn't the be all and end all when it comes to health care, but, for example, if the issue was something like peg feeding (which my mother held strong views about), I would be more than a little disturbed to find that her often expressed wishes (and my own for that matter) could be overruled in my absence. It's academic for me now, but it's something for others who are currently in this situation to think about.
     
  10. mcmullan

    mcmullan Registered User

    Dec 6, 2007
    6
    anglesey
    dad

    hi icklebutterfly,we have had a meeting already with the doctor+to be fair to the staff who most of them we know as we live in a small town,they have been answering most of our questions.my mum has power of attorney over dad so like i said the final decision lies with her,not feeling good at the moment as i've been with dad and he was very upset+agitated and don't know if it's through lack of sleep (coughing) and pmt but i couldn't stop crying,i don't think he noticed? anyway had a gin+lemonade on the way home with hubby so hopefully sleep toniteanx again for all your advice x
     

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