My Dad


Registered User
Dec 28, 2007
West Yorkshire
Hello there, I am very new to this forum. My Dad (nearly 77) was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia 18 months ago, although he had it several years before his diagnosis. He was put into care in August, which was like a dream, and really has deteriorated ever since. My Mum wasn't able to care for him any longer. In mid-November he managed to get out of the home and we think he was beaten up, or at the very least had a terrible fall. I found him in hospital with a severely battered and bruised face. He was in terrible shock and sobbing when I got to him and I just couldn't believe what my dear Dad had become. Since this incident, he has really deteriorated. The Tuesday before Christmas, the home where he was living rang me at work, I work 40 miles away from home, and said they couldn't look after him anymore because he had become a little aggressive, he had slapped a lady around the face, before he had been quite passive and everyone liked him. He was however living in a nursing home and not an EMI nursing home, which is where they took him 2 hours after their call, without really consulting any of the family. They said they had to move him immediately and could I come and get him. Because it would have taken me at least an hour and a half to get there, the Manager of his new home said he could arrange to move Dad. I am no so sure that was actually the best thing to do, how confusing for the poor thing. When I went to see him after he had been moved I was shocked at his weight loss and the change in his appearance and behaviour. He seemed to have gone in on himself and could barely say anything. Not so long ago he was still able to engage in some sort of conversation although he couldn't remember it a minute later. I feel terribly sad, heartbroken really, how things have worked out for Dad. He doesn't deserve this awful ending to his life. I feel relieved really that I have also found this forum and have found tonight very cathartic. I have looked at some of the photos and they have made me cry, it is so hard to see how people deteriorate from such vibrant, active, fit individuals to a shell of themselves. Thank you for sharing the pictures with me and also the beautiful scenic pictures also on this board. The ones of Florence have brought back fabulous memories. Four and a half years ago I was in Florence with my dearest husband for my 40th birthday. Little beknown by me I was expecting our precious darling daughter, after several painful years of trying to get pregnant. I thank God that Dad was able to get to know Sophie and her him before his Dementia became so bad. She seems to still be able to cheer him up with a big hug.

Should I be upset about the quick and unconsulted move of Dad last week just before Christmas? I am I have to say. One of us would have liked to have been there. I was so upset when they rang me, I got home as soon as I could, but felt useless really.

This Christmas has been very hard, I still cannot believe how ill he is now. I would appreciate any advice on how to approach this year, it is and will be very difficult.

I wish you all a Happy New Year, if that is at all possible.

Fondest wishes

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Registered User
Oct 16, 2007
manchester, uk
Hi Jan

Welcome to TP, I'm glad you have found us. You will find lots of help and support here.

I can understand how upset you must have been for them to move your dad just before christmas and with him having no family with him when they moved him.

How to approach this year? All I can say is to echo the old saying. Take each day as it comes.

I'm sorry this wont feel much help to you but it is all you can do. Also keep posting here the people are angels in disguise, they know how you are feeling and will be able to help as best they can.

I have a young son and I found that my Nanna could be in a terrible mood when we went to see her, but as soon as she saw my son she was happy. She had forgotten who he was but she always had a smile for him and was never aggresive while he was there. My son was a great strength to me during the time my Nanna was ill. I hope in her own little way Sophie will help to give you the strength you are going to need.

My thoughs are with you, please keep posting and I'm sure more will be along soon to welcome you to TP.

Take Care


Registered User
Oct 16, 2007
manchester, uk
Hi again Jan

I forgot to say, how horrible it must have been for you to have to go and see your dad in hospital like that. I just hope he wasn't attacked by anyone, I hope his injuries are healing ok.

I have also just read one of your other posts where you mention your siblings. You will find this kind of thing unfortunately does happen. When my Nanna was in a home there were only my Uncle, Aunty, Mum, myself and my son who went to visit. After a while I found that my Uncle, Aunty and Mum even started putting off going to see my Nanna so it was left to myself and my son most of the time. My sister and cousin's only went on a couple of visits each. It is hard to understand how they can in a sence turn their backs on their loved one, but they are not. I know it is hard for you to see your dad this way as it is for them, however sorry to put it this way at the end of the day you know you would have done the best you could for him. If they choose not to go and see your dad that is their choice and they will have to live with that at the end of the day. I use to feel angry that it was left to me and my 3 year old son. But I can sleep at night knowing that I did as much as I could and I'm glad I had that extra time with my Nanna that they didn't have.

Sorry for going on.

Take Care


Registered User
Dec 27, 2007
hi reading your post i couldnt believe the similarities to my own experience, my dad is also 77 has been in a care home for past 2 years at the beggining of december there was a change in his condition care home said he had become more aggresive although i have never witnessed this myself, like your dad he hit a member of staff they also decided they could no longer cope with him and took him to hospital without consulting me only called me once they had him admitted,i was really angry to.Things got worse when doctors sectioned my dad again without consulting me only found out when letter came in post.I have seen a big change in my dad since he has been admitted to hospital he has really went downhill bigtime and i feel he is over medicated at times i have spoke to doctor regarding this but have been tild this is to make him managable.I just wish there was more i could do for my dad and i know exactly how you feel. Take care x


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Jan, welcome to TP.

What a terrible Christmas you've had. It must have been such a shock to see your dad all beaten up like that, and then to have him moved so suddenly must have been devastating. I do feel that it was unreasonable that the home couln't wait until you could get there to be with him, I'm not surprised you were upset.

As for this year, it's going to be hard, and may well get harder. I'm not wanting to upset you, but my husband is in an EMI unit and is declining rapidly.

The trouble with this disease is that no-one knows how it is going to progress, only that it won't get better. You have to accept this, and make the most of the good days, or even minutes. I've spent most of the holiday in tears too, and I don't know what will happen to my lovely John.

What I do know is that there are people on TP who understand, who are always there,and who will support me, whatever happens. Where else can you find support like that?

Please stay with us, we'll support you too.


Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
Just wanted to add my welcome to TP. What a terrible time your Dad has been through - and therefore you have been through as well. It sounds very high handed of the first home to move him in 2 hours! Good grief! Surely they could have kept him isolated for a few hours till you got there if he was such a problem?

Perhaps the new home will suit him better - let's hope so. Sadly, any change seems to exacerbate confusion - but also, our loved ones decline even when staying at home. It is the nature of the disease.

I echo others who say that TP will give you support and somewhere to offload. I encourage you to stay in touch.

Every best wish to you and your Dad.


Registered User
May 20, 2006
North East
Hi Jan

What a terribly traumatic time for you and your dad. I can't imagine how I would have felt to see a parent in hospital all black and blue.

I know other posters have spoken of a quick deteriation in loved ones and I really feel for you

Take care