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My Dad

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
941
Dad's NH manager has decided to try keeping him in his room more,he was very agitated in the communal lounge,shouting a lot and upsetting some of the other residents.The last couple of times I have visited he has seemed much calmer,sitting in a special chair by the window which he always did at home.Today he said 'hello love'which was lovely,for weeks the only intelligible thing he has said is 'I'm dead'The problem is it upsets me to think of him on his own so much.The carers sit with him for periods throughout the day but obviously can't be with him all the time.He still spends some time in the lounge but never interacts with other residents.The new arrangement seems to be keeping him calmer so I'm not sure why I'm uneasy.A bit of a ramble,thinking out loud I suppose
 

CJinUSA

Registered User
Jan 20, 2014
1,121
eastern USA
Dad's NH manager has decided to try keeping him in his room more,he was very agitated in the communal lounge,shouting a lot and upsetting some of the other residents.The last couple of times I have visited he has seemed much calmer,sitting in a special chair by the window which he always did at home.Today he said 'hello love'which was lovely,for weeks the only intelligible thing he has said is 'I'm dead'The problem is it upsets me to think of him on his own so much.The carers sit with him for periods throughout the day but obviously can't be with him all the time.He still spends some time in the lounge but never interacts with other residents.The new arrangement seems to be keeping him calmer so I'm not sure why I'm uneasy.A bit of a ramble,thinking out loud I suppose
Was your dad a social person, before the CH? Would it be possible for any of his friends to pop round to see him? Might you take a laptop in and leave it there, so they could play videos for him? Or videos on telly? I think having a carer there with him would help, if you could manage to send a carer in a couple of hours each day.

Sorry. It must be very hard to think of his being alone. I have learned recently about bird cams and so my mother is fully entertained now watching live feeds from bird feeder cameras. Might your father be set up with a laptop and bird cam videos?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,759
Kent
Sometimes too much hustle and bustle is disturbing. If your father seems happier in his room I`d leave him be.

Perhaps it would help you if you felt his view was made more interesting. It also might be advisable if staff tried to encourage him into the communal rooms occasionally, just in case his attitude changed.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,231
Yorkshire
HI notsogooddtr
my dad too prefers to be on his own - he is sensitive to noise and at times the general noise in the shared areas is just too much for him - he has 2 windows in his room and watches out of them - he did this at home too (I must admit I do, watching the birds in the garden)
the staff do invite him to join in activities and he does sometimes - and sometimes he's happy to have his meals in the dining room - but if he says he doesn't want to we've found that it's best to let him be as he becomes anxious and agitated which can spiral
to be honest he's not really interacting with the other residents - in fact most of the time he hardly acknowledges their presences, and then mostly when they get in his way
he has the TV on in his room or some music on the radio/CD player
I do worry that he's on his own so much, but I worry much more when he starts to spiral in anxiety, so it's a compromise - the staff do pop in to see him and he's usually pleasant with them and responds to them

is your dad still able to do activities on his own eg read, do puzzles? if so, maybe have some left out on show so he can choose to entertain himself - if not, don't worry, my dad is no longer to do anything independently, but still enjoys my visits, even if we just sit watching TV together

so I'd say that whatever environment helps your dad be calm and comfortable is best for him
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,805
Ireland
Dad's NH manager has decided to try keeping him in his room more,he was very agitated in the communal lounge,shouting a lot and upsetting some of the other residents.The last couple of times I have visited he has seemed much calmer,sitting in a special chair by the window which he always did at home.Today he said 'hello love'which was lovely,for weeks the only intelligible thing he has said is 'I'm dead'The problem is it upsets me to think of him on his own so much.The carers sit with him for periods throughout the day but obviously can't be with him all the time.He still spends some time in the lounge but never interacts with other residents.The new arrangement seems to be keeping him calmer so I'm not sure why I'm uneasy.A bit of a ramble,thinking out loud I suppose

Can you figure out exactly why you are uneasy? Does your Dad have visitors? Does he like having visitors? What does he like doing? Maybe you are feeling guilty seeing him sitting in his chair. Please don't feel guilty. Your Dad seems happy and content. He is safe and well.

As we get older, we can change. I like my own company and very close friends.

Am sure the CH don't leave him all day in his room. Check it out and ask if he integrates for short periods during the day. This may put your mind at ease.

You are doing your best and your Dad is happy.

Aisling ( Ireland )
 

CJinUSA

Registered User
Jan 20, 2014
1,121
eastern USA
Dad's NH manager has decided to try keeping him in his room more,he was very agitated in the communal lounge,shouting a lot and upsetting some of the other residents.The last couple of times I have visited he has seemed much calmer,sitting in a special chair by the window which he always did at home.Today he said 'hello love'which was lovely,for weeks the only intelligible thing he has said is 'I'm dead'The problem is it upsets me to think of him on his own so much.The carers sit with him for periods throughout the day but obviously can't be with him all the time.He still spends some time in the lounge but never interacts with other residents.The new arrangement seems to be keeping him calmer so I'm not sure why I'm uneasy.A bit of a ramble,thinking out loud I suppose
So how are you feeling today, and how do things progress at the care home?

I've been thinking about your post, and I think I'd likely be upset, too, but having thought about it some, I think it would be that I would be grieving my memories of my father as a genial, calm, friendly person who always had a close friend around whenever he wanted to. Sometimes it's hard to watch the changes that occur.

Thinking of you.
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
941
Thanks to all.My Dad has always been content with his own company,he loved to read and would do so for hours.Sadly all his friends have gone,my dad will be 95 in a couple if weeks.The only surviving brother of 5.My mum has gone too.There are lots of bird feeders in the garden which he can see,not sure how much he is actually 'seeing'now though.It's all so terribly sad.
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,805
Ireland
Thanks to all.My Dad has always been content with his own company,he loved to read and would do so for hours.Sadly all his friends have gone,my dad will be 95 in a couple if weeks.The only surviving brother of 5.My mum has gone too.There are lots of bird feeders in the garden which he can see,not sure how much he is actually 'seeing'now though.It's all so terribly sad.
Your Dad is content and happy. Just a random thought..... I remember seeing older people staying still and looking at things. My OH spent hours watching birds and enjoyed it. Other people were fascinated looking at the flames in an open fire. Today life seems to be hectic and people often take courses in being able to stay in the moment. Stars fascinate me. Every night I have to look at stars if they are visible.

It is all so very sad for you. I hope you have friends to whom you can talk. Keep posting.

Virtual hugs,

Aisling