1. maxine

    maxine Registered User

    May 21, 2003
    2
    east london
    hello there...... I am new to this so if i havent worded things properly i apologize......My dad who is 58...was diagnosed in october 02 ...having Alzheimers/vasculer dementia.....we knew over time that things were not right with my dad, and it took a while to actually get him seen to......now we have had the results and it has come as a total shock i was in denial up until 2 weeks ago and i find it hard to handle the situation as do my sister, brother and mum, we are coping the best we can but are finding very hard, as my dad has been the rock in our family, all i can say that to acept this is hard but to ignore it is worse, i have realised that time is very precious to us now, and we are doing things we should have done along time ago like spending lots of time enjoying eachothers company, and it kills me when i get home because all i can think of is my dad, but we'll keep going all the way in making my dad's life a happy and enjoyable one .....maxine
     
  2. Charlie

    Charlie Registered User

    Apr 1, 2003
    161
    Hi Maxine,

    You are doing things exactly right. This is an open discussion forum and that is exactly what you are doing ;-)

    I can totally empathise with your situation. My father was diagnosed about 2 years ago now but the symptoms were noticable maybe over 6 years ago and the whole family was in denial. My dad even now does not discuss his dementia openly which is very hard to handle, but its his choice.

    However, on the positive side, we all still have a lot of happy times and he is particulary attached to my 4 year old daughter, to watch them together is a joy. Although dad has a lot of difficulty with day to day living now, he still has a high quality of life and its is just a case of trying to focus on the positive things and the things that he now enjoys. For example, his practical hobbies are just too frustrating for him now, but he now has a lot of time for people, so we actually get to see a lot of dad.

    I am glad you have found Talking Point, as it grows I hope it gives a lot of people solice.

    Kind Regards
    Charlie.
     
  3. maxine

    maxine Registered User

    May 21, 2003
    2
    east london
    thanks charlie

    hi there Charlie......thanx for your reply, and I must say I think this site is excellent......as you can say things that you seem to hold in, I am taking this pretty bad and My Dad is on my mind 24 hours a day, but I am dealing with it better as time goes on, it is nice to know there are people in the same situation, I am taking him away for the weekend with my mum down to my caravan which he loves, as there is lovely walks we can go on, and he likes to talk to fisherman as he was an avid fisherman for many years but has seemed to have gone off actually fishing hiself, and my Dad has also attached hiself alot to my nephew who is only 7 months old, and talks about him all the time, although he loves all 6 of his grandchildren he seems to have bonded with Frankie the most, and whenever anyone comes to visit him straight away the pictures come out of his Frankie, I look forward to hearing from you or anyone as I felt pleased that someone has replied and can relate to the situation, as people whom don't know a great deal about this seem to shy away as I did at the first but myself my mum, sister and brother are trying to pull together and make life as easy and carefree for him thanx again
    maxine x
     
  4. Angela

    Angela Registered User

    May 28, 2003
    151
    Wales
    Hello both
    They are so many ppl like yourselves out there, and i want to congratulate you on making the posting that you have. I hope that it will not only help you, but will help others too.
    We can see so many ppl are starting to view the messages here, in time they too will follow ur lead and participate.
    A problem shared is a problem halved. x
     
  5. diane

    diane Registered User

    Jun 23, 2003
    2
    doncaster
    hi ppl
    my husband was also diagnosed with alzhiemers and vascular dementia 2 years ago. he is now 67 i am 44 we have 4 children aged 27 25 21 and 10 yrs old.
    my husband is not aware of his illness, so we cant disscuss it with him in fact we dont get any discussions with him at all these days, since being diagnosed he has deteriorated quiet quickly.
    Most days all he does is sit in a chair sleeping and is unaware off what his going on round him.
    Myself and the children still find it difficult to come to terms with,the worst part is the guilt you feel no matter what you do you feel guilty, we are constantly upset, and we are in limbo with our lives.
    You feel as though you are the only ones out there that are going through this.

    Hope i am making some sense this is my first time on the forum too, and also my first time talking to anyone else about my husband. god bless all x
     
  6. Charlie

    Charlie Registered User

    Apr 1, 2003
    161
    Hi Diane,

    I know what you mean about guilt and not being able to talk about it. I had a gut renching weekend with my dad trying to sort out my dads financial affairs which I guess we've been avoiding and I'm sitting here at work not able to talk to anyone about it. If I did talk about it at work know everyone would feel akward.

    I really tried to sort things out with dad but in the end it was too confussing and it made me realise that I need to grab the bull by the horns at some point as he is really struggling.

    The guilt simply comes from the fact that I have so much respect for him (although he wouldn't have picked that up in my teens ;-)and although I know that he'd appreciate that I was doing the right thing, it just doesn't feel right doing things (in his interest of course) behind his back, it's just easier than trying to explain everything.

    The denial thing was exactly the same with me, and I still don't think we've all come to terms with it. I do feel upset a lot of the time but take a lot of solice in dads calmness. He seems unaware of the seriousness of his situation and is less upset than any of the people around him. Perhaps I need to take a leaf out of his book.

    Kind Regards
    Charlie
     
  7. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,702
    Female
    Dundee
    Hi Diane

    I know it's ages since you posted this message but I've jsut found it. I felt I wanted to reply as my husband is 21 years older than I am and I feel we are in similar situations. We have no children but I think I can sympathise with your situation. My husband is doing really well although he was diagnosed two and a half years ago (I think we were both aware for some time before this what the problem was). We don't talk about it openly but we do both accept the situation and are living each day for what it is. We know that we are lucky to be doing so well and although I know that things won't always be like this we make the most of every day. I find this site great as I can read about what others are experiencing and I can contribute if I feel I need to get anything off my chest. I have really bad times when all I want to do is cry when I think about the future but I try not to do this too often whilst still staying realistic. Sorry for rambling.

    I hope things are not too bad with you.

    Take care
    Izzy
     
  8. susan

    susan Registered User

    Aug 18, 2003
    125
    east sussex
    Dear Maxine
    Have not been on site for 2 weeks - had problem with E mail - nice to hear from you. My Dad was diagnosed with this awful disease 7 years ago when he was 65 - sadly now in a nursing home. All i can say is enjoy any time you have with him - my mum and sister have been through this stage and we had the same feelings you are experiencing - nothing can take that away. To start with we were in denial, tried to cope and did our best - but as the disease progressed we all blamed ourselves for not being able to do more for him - sadly it's almost a feeling of grieving as their memory is taken away. Things do get easier, the guilt, fear and hopelessness disappears and you make the most of the person you love in your own way. Dad sadly is in the later stages, but we still visit and take the things he always liked - our way of coping and with time you will find a way to cope - you would not be human if you did not feel the way you do at present.
    Take care, write soon Susan
     
  9. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Hi there,

    When my father was first diagnosed with Altzheimers I was living in Bali. I came home for a holiday to find both he and my mother had absolutely no idea who I was. I felt simply awful, since they hadn't been eating properly for around 2 years - yoghurt on toast and fish fingers. All the food in the cupboards was way past use-by dates. Dad was suffering from halucinations and Mum had an attention span of approx 3 mins. Having lived o/seas for 30 years, I'd being phoning regularly every month, but they were so clever at masking their problems that I didn't suspect that they were in such serious trouble.

    Apart from feeling terribly guilty about not looking after them, the worst part was seeing how far they had degenerated from the vital and intelligent people that they had once been. I spent 11 months caring for them myself and then realised that I needed some help.

    I've been able to get my father onto Aricept which he's been taking for a couple of years' now. The difference in him has been incredible. It's almost like having 60% of him back again from this hazy world that he was inhabiting before. My mother wasn't able to take it as it made her very ill, so she is still very forgetful and deteriorating much faster than he is.

    Now I am caring for them full time - unfortunately my husband and business in Bali are suffering from neglect, but since the oldies have a rather limited time left, I figure I can spend this time to be with them now.

    Keep on tuning into this website - there are so many people here doing a wonderful job of caring for their loved ones and it's a total inspiration to hear their stories and find out how they are coping with daily life. You are never alone with this.

    Jude
     

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