My dad

[BeadieJay]

I've posted here recently about my mum, we're still waiting for a diagnosis on her condition, but I'm fairly sure it's AZ of some form.

But, my dad. He's had short-term memory loss for approx four years now, and that's about it really. He has been tested for Alzheimers and it came up negative, but that was quite a long time ago.

I was just wondering if this type of short-term memory loss is simply a "typical" side effect of growing old! He'll be 82 later this year, and apart from being on Warfarin, he's in pretty good health. He just can't remember anything unless he writes it down, but is capable of dealing with finances and legal stuff etc.

Thanks

 

[jenniferpa]

You say he's on Warfarin? So I assume he has some form of clotting issues? Anything's possible, of course, but I think it's much more likely that he has some level of vascular damage. I know people (even some doctors) talks about memory loss being a natural part of aging, but every single thing I've read leads me to believe that this is not true, or rather, it's not the whole story. Specifically, if there is some level of memory loss, something somewhere has gone wrong. It may not be treatable, it may even be inevitable, but it is not an inherant part of aging for everyone. This is how my mother was for several years before her "major" strokes: able to deal with most things provided she wrote them down, but would ocasionally repeat conversations, and forget phone calls. After those strokes, CT scans showed that she had had a minor one some years before, which was not diagnosed. Now she has atrial fribrilation, which is normally treated with wafarin, but she wasn't put on that because of the logistical issues: the nearest treatment centre was 15 miles away, and she simply couldn't manage to get to the clinic on the regular basis needed. Her choice.

Jennifer

 

[BeadieJay]

Thanks for your reply Jennifer. As I was reading it, I realised that there are so many people of my dad's age and older, who have total memory recall, so it's not "inevitable" that we shall all lose our memories as we get older.

I've wondered for a while if my dad had Alzheimers too, but everyone else in the family is insistent that there's nothing else to it other than short-term memory loss. Until dad has more tests, if he can ever be persuaded to have them, I'll go with the status-quo of my family, and stick my head in the sand.

I'm sorry, I'm really close to tears at the moment, and the worst part of it is because I'm worried about embarrassing myself in front of my parents (albeit over the phone, as they live 3 hours away!!).

When I was writing about my mum's problems I mentioned that she has given up driving and has given us her car. My husband and son went down there today to collect it. They had to take an hours bus ride to the station, then a train into London, the tube across London and another train out of the city. My dad had said that he would pay all their travel expenses and would pay the first year's insurance for us. My husband doesn't work due to depression, and so our finances are always tight, but this trip is pushing us over the edge - and my dad didn't give my husband any money. He also had to fill the car up, again my dad would have given him cash to do this (in the good ole days!!)

I feel awful, I feel like a stupid kid demanding her pocket money. But this is several hundreds of pounds, and we can't afford to just write it off. We need some of that money to buy school uniform for our daughter next month, as she will be starting at a new school in September, and all the uniform has to be ordered (and paid for) in June.

I'm sorry, I'm going on and on about money, but I just feel partly angry that my dad, who got all the documents, MOT, Registration etc etc, ready for my husband to take away with him, but didn't include a cheque.

Am I the most selfish person around? Oh, and on top of all that, we might need to get a plumber in after a watery emergency last night. Hubby doesn't know yet if he can fix it himself, and if he can't that'll cost a small fortune and just add to our overdraft and credit card. At least I don't have to do the washing up today (well, I can't, unless I do it in the bath tub!!!)

I'd just like to add that my parents have always been very generous, and they are well able financially to pay for the things that they had told us they would pay for (dad even told me to let him know when we need to get the uniform, as he wants to pay for that as well - but I can't ask him for that as well!) Groan, why are money matters so complicated. I just wish none of this had happened, and I still had my mum and dad the way they used to be!

I just wish someone could tell me whether I'm totally wrong to be upset about this, and whether I should just be grateful for the car and not say anything to my parents. I also wish I had a magic wand and that money grew on trees (my kids think it does LOL).

Sorry, I can't stop crying, how ridiculous is this I need to tidy up before hubby gets home. He's already well stressed out at having to drive a brand new (to him) car, and in rush hour!!

 

[Natashalou]

sorry to hear you are having a bad time. How about dealing with it like this..ring you Dad and say "You know, we were so excited to be gettin the car **** (husbands name) must have left the cheque behind...any chance you can pop it in the post as we are a bit short?"

Saves face all round.

And no, you arent selfish. I, too accepted significant financial help from my parents until well into my thirties.

 

[BeadieJay]

Thanks Natashalou, that's a really good idea.

I'm glad I'm not the only one still relying on parents to help us out of financial muddles One of these days I'll grow up and stand on my own two feet LOL (My kids are going to be disappointed if they grow up to expect the same from us LOL - mind you, we might win the Lottery one day, but then we'd have to fork out a quid each week to play it....hmmm, maybe not!!!)

 

[fearful fiona]

Dear BeadieJay,

I am so sorry you are having so much trouble and can so much relate to pretty much all of your message. My Mum has dementia and my Dad's memory (he is 90) seems to deteriorate daily and I wondered if that was dementia or an age thing too...

The money thing is so difficult, isn't it? The problem is that my parents in their current state of ill health simply don't "think". Like yours, they were always very generous and it is so difficult when they aren't aware of what things cost etc. I would love to have them back as they were.

Although two situations are never the same, you can't really say anything, I don't think, they would be so upset. I had a bad moment with my Mum and in a moment of weakness (of which I am so ashamed) I mentioned that they had forgotten my birthday and World War III broke out as she gets violent so easily.

I think you are so normal to get upset about this. We're not saints after all, are we?

 

[Áine]

hiya

sounds like there's a lot going on for you at the moment, and for your parents. could be your dad was upset or excited about handing the car over and simply forgot. think natashalou's idea is a good one.

money is a bit of a nightmare though isn't it, whether you have it or not it seems difficult to broach the subject. i remember buying quite a lot of stuff for my dad a while ago - about £100 worth, and him handing me a £5 note with a very generous look on his face: "that should cover it, you can keep the change". it's sooo hard to say: "um ......... er ............."

 

[Áine]

sorry fiona ........ you posted whilst i was writing a reply ...... seem to be saying more or less the same thing

 

[sue38]

Hi Jennifer,

I'm interested that your research indicates that memory loss is more than just old age. How often do we hear people saying 'it's my age' when they forget something?

Even at just 39 I think my memory is not what it used to be. For example I am trying to learn Greek but find it difficult to retain the vocabulary, compared say to learning French 25 years ago. I can't remember the Greek words I learnt last week, but can hear a song on the radio I haven't heard for 10 years and know all the words. I wonder 'now just where in my brain have I been storing that?' And more to the point 'Why has my brain bothered to remember that?'

With dementia sufferers they tend to have more problems with short term memory loss and can remember things from years ago. Is there a stage where the brain reaches saturation point? I imagine that if you pulled up my eye lids it would say 'full' like a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Am I right in thinking that AD is more likely to affect people who have had a more mentally challenging life?

It seems to me that one difference between memory loss and dementia (AD or VaD) is that the sufferer can no longer understand logic, or cannot deal with everday tasks as they have always done.

Alison it does sound as if your Dad has not lost those skills. Having said that my Dad's problems started with memory loss. although he was younger than your Dad when he started. My Dad is 82 now and his problems could have been ongoing for 5 or even 10 years.

Alison, please try and remember your Dad as the caring and generous father he was. I am sure that your 'old' Dad would not have dreamt of seeing you struggle financially when he is in a position to help. When you feel able, I would 'remind' your Dad about his offers to help as he may genuinely just have forgotten. Imagine if this was you and your children in 40 (?) years' time (no offence as I don't know how old you are).

My Dad has however become quite obsessed with money. At first it was worrying that he and my Mum were living beyond their means, opening Bank Statements and freaking out (more than most of us do when we open a bank statement ). My Dad had always left the money side of things to my Mum and once said to me 'I don't care about money....just so long as I have enough to buy whatever I want. Now he is obsessed with having money in his wallet, even if he does not need it for anything in particular. I think it is a security thing that is pretty common for AD sufferers.

I hope things improve for you and your Dad.

Thinking of you.

Sue xx

 

[BeadieJay]

I can't remember the Greek words I learnt last week, but can hear a song on the radio I haven't heard for 10 years and know all the words. I wonder 'now just where in my brain have I been storing that?' And more to the point 'Why has my brain bothered to remember that?'

LOL, this could have been written by me, only I'm not learning Greek (am trying to do Maths GCSE though!!). Monday night I was listening to local BBC radio and they had a top 20 of the worst summer songs. And I knew the words to most of them. My daughter was horrified, and asked me how I knew the words...haven't a clue, but I just do

Thank you for your comments about my money woes - I'm sure that my dad has genuinely forgotten, I just hate to remind him, but am not in a position where I can ignore it.

Thank you also to Fiona and Áine. Áine, your story about your dad giving you £5 for £100 worth of goods made me chuckle. It sort of reminded me of my son, who is 12 years old. Yesterday he bought some cans of fizz (buy one, get one free) with his own money, and because it's half term (even though he's home educated), we let them have fizz and so gave him the money for the drinks. Later in the day my daughter gave one of the cans to her friend who was visiting, and my son went ballistic. I told him that as we had paid him back for the drinks, that anyone could have one. He then said that as HE had bought them initially, and as HE had carried them all the way home on his own, that they were HIS and HIS alone I know it's not the same as your dad and his fiver, but it might give someone else a chuckle!!

I'm still waiting for hubby to arrive - I'll let you know how it goes with my dad later.

 

[Skye]

Hi Sue

For a long time John was worried about money. He lost all understanding of it at a very early stage, but worried that we didn't have any! Now, he doesn't worry about it at all as long as I'm there; he assumes I'm OK. He still worries about paying for his lunch when he goes to daycare, so he still has awareness to thet extent.

BeadieJay, I'm so sorry you're having financial worries on top of your other problems.

In your place, I wouldn't remind him he has forgotten to give you the money he offered. I would wait for a good day, and tell him you're really worried about money. Tell him you need to buy school uniforms, and although you're grateful for the gift of the car, it's going to be difficult for you to find the money to insure it.

I realise this is more difficult to do over the phone, and there's always the danger of him forgetting again before he puts the cheque in the post. Is there any chance you could go down and talk to him? That way you'd be sure of getting the cheque.

Reminding him he's forgotten might just upset him.

Try not to worry too much. I'm sure you'll find a way to get some help.

Love,

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi Sue: I'm not really talking about "where did I put my keys?" or "why can't I remember that person's name?" or even "now HOW do I do calculus?" all of which have a somewhat fleeting existence when it comes to my memory. I think those things are more related to lack of attention or too much in storage. I'm really talking about the sort of memory problems that manifest themselves as, for example, having long complex conversations with interchange of information that one of the parties subsequently can't remember AT ALL. And will in fact swear blind that they didn't have. My example is a long and involved discussion I had with my mother regarding the relative merits of where to go on holiday, together with perusal of brochures and actual choice of holiday hotel, which subsequently (next day) had vanished from her memory. I think when you start to get memory problems like that something is going on organically. As I said it may not be treatable, but I feel very strongly when doctors in particular palm off such manifestations as "normal aging", they are doing their patients a disservice, because really, that's "abnormal aging".

Jennifer

 

[BeadieJay]

An update

My husband and son returned home safely last night, after spending much too long stuck in rush hour traffic

My dad phoned and said that he was worried because he couldn't remember if he had given my husband his travel expenses, as he had promised him that he would pay for that. I told him I'd check when hubby got home, and that I'd phone him the next day. About half an hour later, dad phoned again worried because he couldn't remember if he had given.......well, you get the gist of it LOL This time hubby was able to talk to him and tell him that, no, he hadn't given him any money, and dad promised to send a cheque to cover the travel. Neither hubby nor I mentioned the insurance.

It upset me to see the change of vehicle documents. Mum had signed it, but obviously wasn't up to dating it. I know that's only a tiny thing, but it just highlights to me how ill mum is. My husband said that she looked well though and she seemed quite cheerful, tho not very chatty.

I'm going to phone my sister and ask her advice about the insurance money. She lives close to mum and dad and will have a better idea of how they'll take it. Also, I'll tell her about dad's promise to buy school uniform.......maybe if my sister suggests it to my parents, they won't think I'm being greedy

Thanks again for all your support last night - I think part of the reason I was so close to tears is because I was worried about how hubby was coping driving such a long distance in heavy traffic, I'm so grateful he got home safely!!

 

[BeadieJay]

Hi Sue: I'm not really talking about "where did I put my keys?" or "why can't I remember that person's name?" or even "now HOW do I do calculus?" all of which have a somewhat fleeting existence when it comes to my memory. I think those things are more related to lack of attention or too much in storage. I'm really talking about the sort of memory problems that manifest themselves as, for example, having long complex conversations with interchange of information that one of the parties subsequently can't remember AT ALL. And will in fact swear blind that they didn't have. My example is a long and involved discussion I had with my mother regarding the relative merits of where to go on holiday, together with perusal of brochures and actual choice of holiday hotel, which subsequently (next day) had vanished from her memory. I think when you start to get memory problems like that something is going on organically. As I said it may not be treatable, but I feel very strongly when doctors in particular palm off such manifestations as "normal aging", they are doing their patients a disservice, because really, that's "abnormal aging".

Jennifer

Thank you so much for this - I really believe there's something wrong with my dad, but the rest of the family believe it's "normal" ageing. I'll stick with my beliefs even if I can't do anything about them