My Dad

toby12

Registered User
Jan 26, 2007
10
Surrey
Hello

I have posted a message a couple of times before, just to say that my Dad died last week. It was quiet, and I know (or pray) that he didn't know what was going on. He died with my Mum, me and sister holding his hands. (Two of us were sharing obviously) The nurses were fantastic, I could never do their job.

So I have lost a Dad, a grandad to the boys, and yet I feel releif not grief. He was far from perfect, and we we really didn't get on from when I was about 10 onwards, but I really miss him. I think I should feel more - but I don't. I feel more for my Mum who has been fantastic throoughout all this nightmare. The funeral is on Monday.

When I posted last year I got several comments and emails and they really helped.
I won't repeat all the stuff I posted before, its still there, but anyone who has been abused in the past will find several of those comments hugely comforting.

Thank you.
 

TinaT

Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
7,095
Bolton
My thoughts are with you at this sad time. Grief is a hard experience and pushes us into such mixed emotions. How good that you are there for your mother when she needs you. xx TinaT
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Dear Toby

I'm sorry to hear about your father. When death follows a slow decline that is typical of AD, it is quite natural to feel that the death is a release. There is no one way to grieve, and no one can say what it is appropriate to feel.

Love

Jennifer
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,789
Kent
Dear Toby,

I`m very sorry to hear of the death of your dad and send my deepest sympathy and sincere condolences.

I understand the mixed feelings of grief and relief and hope you, your mother and sister find some consolation in the knowledge he is at peace now.

Take care
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,454
Hiya Toby,

but I really miss him. I think I should feel more - but I don't
Sounds to me as though you are feeling plenty. I think we all have expectations of what we think we should feel like, but until we are in the situation we dont know. When my FIL died I was surprised that a lot of the time I was happy - felt quite calm -and then felt guilty cos thought "does it mean I dont care?". We all cope differently.

Thinking of you and your family.
Love Helen
 

DeborahBlythe

Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
9,222
Dear Toby, I'm sorry to hear about your sad loss. Thinking of you and your family and sending sympathy.
Deborah
 

biker girl

Registered User
May 22, 2007
4
rugby, warwickshire
Don't be hard on yourself, no matter how much you think you are prepared for the passing of someone close, you still have had a shock. It is still early days yet and many other feelings will follow in the days, weeks and months to come.
Each one of these feelings are normal and there is no particular order that they happen. Keep talking to your remaining family about your feelings and about theirs and try to remember any happy occassions no matter how fleeting they were.

all the best

biker girl
 

Áine

Registered User
Feb 22, 2006
994
sort of north east ish
Sorry to hear about your loss Toby.

Like Helen says, there are no "shoulds" when it comes to feelings. You feel what you feel. It's hard when you've had an up and down relationship with someone - there can be a lot of mixed feelings and hard to work out just what it is you do feel, particularly so soon after losing someone. It's good that you were able to be there for him at the end, despite him not always being able to be there for you.

Take your time, take care of yourself and the rest of your family.

You're always welcome here when you feel like posting.

Áine
 

Nell

Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
1,170
68
Australia
Dear Toby,
My deepest sympathy on your father's death. Don't be surprised about feeling "numb" for awhile - I think it is nature's way to protect us in times of great emotional upheaval. There are many emotions at such a time, and as others have said, there are no "right" or "wrong" feelings - just what each person experiences.

I'm thinking of you and sending you strength.
 

jeanierec

Registered User
May 7, 2007
121
north yorkshire
Hello Toby

I totally agree with Nell I really feel that nature takes over to give us some breathing space . You`ll work through what you need to work through when the time is right for you but in the meantime my thoughts are with you .

Love Jeanie x
 

May

Registered User
Oct 15, 2005
627
Yorkshire
Deepest sympathy Toby, take your time, there's no 'should' in the way we think we ought to feel. Go with what's right for you and the family. Take care of yourselves