My Dad

[Ryanden]

Hello,

I am really in a dilemma and I really need some answers. My dad has dementia, on top of that, he is an alcoholic, which just makes his dementia progress just that much faster.

He is in total denial, hasn't showered or brushed his teeth in weeks. Has gotten in trouble with the law because he forgets where he lives. Has wrecked his car and doesn't remember. Yesterday, he rode his lawn mower on the main street. He is verbally abusive to my mom, who was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (takes kemo), and once or twice he has been physically abusive.

I live in Virginia and my parents live in Maryland, however, I am the only one of my siblings,besides my mom, of course, that actually has a relationship with my dad. Because of his behavior, my siblings has pretty much withdrawn from him or he has pushed them away.

I really need to get him some help being he is not willing to do anything because he feels like he is just fine and nothing is wrong with him.

Is there anything that I can do legally to make him get an evaluation and help for his addiction? I seriously believe that if he can get past the addiction that the dementia wouldn't be as bad as it is. When he is sober, he is more rational.

My dad is a veteran and I really don't want the state involved, because I don't want them in control.

Please help

Ryanden

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi Ryanden, it sounds like to me you and your mum are having a very difficult time. I do not know how the system works in the US as it probably is different to how things work here. I personally think the best course of action would be to go and visit his doctor. At least you could tell him what is happening at home. He is not only endangering his own life with his sit on mower but other people also. I have worked in an organisation helping those with alcohol addiction and it is pretty hard to get them to receive help if they will not accept it. Does he have a long history of alcohol abuse? Sorry to hear about your mum too. Her doctors should be concerned if she is having the extra stress of coping with your dad. Please visit your doctor and then any organisations that deal with alcohol abuse. Good luck

 

[chris53]

Hello Ryanden, a warm welcome to you to Talking Point from across the pond please be aware that here you will get support and understanding whenever you need it, we are all going though - in different ways - this long journey - I am so sorry that both your dad and you are in a dark place at the moment, but please seek out help from his fellow veterans, can understand you don't want the state to take over but there may be additional help because he has served in the armed forces,maybe also his doctor can assist if you can have a talk? patient confidentiality always comes first regardless of where you live please do keep posting and let us know how things are and that you have got some much needed practical help.
Take care, best wishes to you and your mom
Chris x

 

[Wirralson]

Hello,

I am really in a dilemma and I really need some answers. My dad has dementia, on top of that, he is an alcoholic, which just makes his dementia progress just that much faster.

He is in total denial, hasn't showered or brushed his teeth in weeks. Has gotten in trouble with the law because he forgets where he lives. Has wrecked his car and doesn't remember. Yesterday, he rode his lawn mower on the main street. He is verbally abusive to my mom, who was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (takes kemo), and once or twice he has been physically abusive.

I live in Virginia and my parents live in Maryland, however, I am the only one of my siblings,besides my mom, of course, that actually has a relationship with my dad. Because of his behavior, my siblings has pretty much withdrawn from him or he has pushed them away.

I really need to get him some help being he is not willing to do anything because he feels like he is just fine and nothing is wrong with him.

Is there anything that I can do legally to make him get an evaluation and help for his addiction? I seriously believe that if he can get past the addiction that the dementia wouldn't be as bad as it is. When he is sober, he is more rational.

My dad is a veteran and I really don't want the state involved, because I don't want them in control.

Please help

Ryanden

Hi Ryanden,

I'm in UK, so have limited knowledge of the US system or systems, as I understand much is State rather than Federally based. However, both from my previous employment and a relative in the States who has employed AFRes and ANG personnel, I have some limited knowledge of Veterans' programs. As a veteran is your father eligible for Tri-Care or VA Healthcare? They also have a mental health hotline (link below) which may help:

http://www.tricare.mil/ContactUs/CallUs/MH_CrisisLines.aspx?sc_database=web

I note what you say about the State, but this is the Virginia Behavioral Healthcare for Veterans Program

http://www.dbhds.virginia.gov/OMH-Veterans.htm

Finally back in the day when I was student in UK, law students sometimes (under supervision) provided advice in cases like your dad's. This link might be helpful as they seem to do something similar.

http://www.law.virginia.edu/html/academics/practical/mentalhealth.htm


Good luck

Wirralson

 

[tiggs72]

Hi ryanden

This is truely an awful situation - like everyone else I'm uk based so its hard to advise however having been married (and now happily divorced) to someone who had a drink problem I have learnt that only they can help themselves and if your dad doesn't want to or won't admitt to this you are limited to how you can help!

My advice would be to focus on yourself and your mum - domestic violence is never good and from my own personal experience only escalates. Please seek help and safety for your mum first and foremost as you will find your dad as dad as sad it sounds will not appreciate the help - you are facing a loosing battle with him if he does not stop drinking. I may speak out of turn but guessing from experience that your mum has probably suffered enough in her lifetime and in her illness deserves some peace. My experience of alcoholics is they always find their own way - keep an eye on your dad from afar , put in place the help he needs but you need to prepare that you could be fighting a loosing battle. Everyone has a choice and he chooses to drink.

Please keep us updated - I really feel for you as you must be torn - but you need to help your mum first.

Good luck

T xx

 

[Wirralson]

Just realised I misread and your parents are in Maryland, so as I'm sure you've probably found, this is the contact portal for veterans in that State: http://veterans.dhmh.maryland.gov/SitePages/Home.aspx

In the UK at least you can't easily compel someone to go to the doctor for as long as they have mental capacity. They can be legally compelled to attend a hospital for treatment (called "sectioning") if their illness requires it.
Maryland does seem to have process of petitioning the courst for emergency evaluation, which is probably the only way you can use the law to compel your dad to undergo a medical examination. But I'm not a lawyer here or in the US, so I guess your best bet is to find a specialist lawyer.

http://www.dsd.state.md.us/comar/subtitle_chapters/10_Chapters.aspx

Wirralson

 

[Ryanden]

I really thank everyone for your comments and concerns. It breaks my heart that I feel so helpless and I feel so bad for my mom. I talk to her everyday and today she sounded so tired. It scares me to think of losing her. She's my best friend.

My mom and dad both have Tricare and Medicaid. They go to the Veterans hospital for appointments and that is where my mom gets her kemo.

Some good news, I had reached out to my dad's doctor last week and received a return phone call today from the nurse. His doctor will be in tomorrow and I should hear from her then. I really hope she can help.

On the 4th of July, my dad got lost driving and ended up in someone's yard. Thought he was home. Ended up getting arrested. I have spoken with his lawyer and he has entered a plea to the Judge to have him evaluated. So I have some things working for me. I just hope and pray that one of them pans out. I have called and spoken with so many people and organizations but they don't seem to have any real answers, nothing that I can jump on right away.

I just don't understand why it is so difficult to find help for someone that I love so much. I know that if and when the day comes when action can finally take place, that my dad is going to be so mad at me, but I also know that I have to think about my mom. She needs me.