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My Dad

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Bev22, Aug 31, 2017.

  1. Bev22

    Bev22 Registered User

    Jul 15, 2017
    5
    Hi all. Sadly dad lost his battle on the 13 August and we had is funeral last Friday. As you may know there has been much to do but now I'm starting to process things. In summary dad was diagnosed in 2013. Despite his slow decline he lived a happy life until about 10 weeks ago when his decline was rapid. I posted on here mid July to say that dad was suddenly experiencing many falls and was constantly walking up and down 24 hours. This was a very difficult time as poor dad was exhausted. Following another fall he ended up I. A and E. He was so aggiated, trying to get out of bed. He was eventrurally admitted to a ward. By this time it was difficult with food and drink but did manage bits. He continued to restless for a further couple of weeks. 10 days before he died we were called to hospital and told dad had vomited coffee ground blood and that he was a poorly nan. It was agreed that no invasive treatment should continue so IV drips stopped. They started morphing on a driver and overnight became unconscious. He was transferred to a palliatuve care ward where he passed after 5 days. His poor mouth looked so painful and I can't help but be tormented that he was thirsty. He was nil by mouth. I can't help thinking that once paljative care was suggested it was game over. Should we have challenged this really struggling to come to terms x
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    8,405
    Merseyside
    I'm so sorry about your dad.
    I lost my dad last October & the nurse explained to me that the dry mouth was part of the body shutting down. We wiped dad's mouth with a damp sponge if needed.
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Host

    Dec 15, 2012
    4,593
    Yorkshire
    sad news Bev22
    my condolences on your dad's passing
    I hope you take comfort from this
    personally, I believe you did all you could and all that was best for your dad - you made sure his passing was peaceful; that's a blessing
    the palliative care was suggested because your dad's system was shutting down; it was close to his time, his body knew it and the medics recognised it - he would not have been able to cope with any fluids and his body was not asking for any, so wasn't thirsty - you made the right call
    your dad's struggle is over, he would want you too to be at peace now
    best wishes
     
  4. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    287
    N Ireland
    I think that you did the right thing. IMO you are tormented from within by your own struggle to 'let go'. Be comforted by the fact that what you did was in the best interests of your loved one.
     
  5. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    2,113
    hertfordshire
    I am sorry to hear about your Dad, I had the opposite experience to you with my Mum, she was admitted to hospital after vomiting coffee like grounds, we were told it was acute renal failure, the hospital discharged Mum back to her Care home with view to being end of life. Sadly I then had a battle with the care home GP, where he wouldn't put Mum on end of life meds as she was still eating and drinking very little, two weeks ensued of her being in utter distress, screaming and shouting out in what I think was pain and distress, we finally got an out of hours dr to see her, who agreed she should be on end of life meds, she died a day after the first drug was administered, fortunately she finally got a little peace, I firmly believe she wouldn't have suffered as long as she did if the GP had listened to us and done what hospital suggested. So I think you did the right thing allowing the hospital to treat your Dad as soon as they wanted to. You spared him the indignity my poor Mum suffered. Take care xx

    Ange
     
  6. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    816
    Maidstone.Kent
    I also took the decision to stop iv fluids in hospital and for dad to return to his nursing home for palliative care where 8days later he died peacefully having gone into a coma 2 days after returning from hospital. The what ifs remain with me but I know deep down I made the kindest decision for dad. His body and mind were coming to end of life and nurses explained each visible stage to me as they happened which gave me greater understanding of the body shutting down and took the fear away from me. You did the right thing.
     
  7. Bev22

    Bev22 Registered User

    Jul 15, 2017
    5
    Thank you all for your replies. It helps knowing. There are others who share similar experiences. I am sorry for your loss. Perhaps on time I will accept things but o Miss dad so much. Bless you all xx
     
  8. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    53,225
    Dundee
    Sorry I missed this yesterday. Sending my condolences and wishing you strength.

    My husband had IV fluids stopped and it was the hardest decision of my life. We used swabs to clean out his mouth.

    I can understand how you feel but I think you made the right decision. Like so many others your dad is now at peace. You did your very best for him.
     
  9. KatieRich

    KatieRich Registered User

    Jan 3, 2017
    63
    Derby
    Hi Bev. My heart goes out to you reading your post. It is a very similar situation to mine. My dad went into residential care on January 17th this year and declined rapidly.
    He was taken into hospital on July 20th with low blood pressure and a suspected UTI. Within hours they said it was unlikely he would survive , they had him on a drip and antibiotics. The next morning the consultant came to see us talking about all kinds of treatment paths and I asked him to remove everything and just administer pain relief. It was the hardest thing to ask for what was potentially giving dad a chance to survive, but he had no quality of life . I stayed by his side until he passed on the 27th. I have absolutely no regrets on that decision I know it's what my dad would want.
    Living without him is a different matter, I still cannot grasp that he has gone.
    Sending love and hugs your way and hoping you are doing alright . X
     
  10. Bev22

    Bev22 Registered User

    Jul 15, 2017
    5
    Hi Katie thank you for your message and for the hug. Meant so much. It has been almost a month now since dad lost his battle and I still cannot believe he has gone. He was such an enornmous and wonderful man and just keep waiting for him to come back home although I know in my heart that will not happen. I still feel so responsible for giving in to the doctors and pallative care but again am trying to believe that was the best thing for dad. You understand the loss. Sending you lots of hugs xx Bev
     
  11. Sparkling Wine

    Sparkling Wine Registered User

    Apr 14, 2017
    10
    Hello Bev22

    Hello Bev22, I am so very sorry for your loss. My mum was in the same position in her care home. I watched her go through the same process that you describe, before she died. It was an incredibly sad situation, but it was the best thing for her and it was the best thing for your dad. I still go over and over it all in my mind, but I know that I, the care home and the doctor and nurses did the right thing and so did you. Sadly, it was her time...I also understand totally the feeling of waiting for him to come back home whilst knowing it's not going to happen. I often have the feeling...ok mum that's enough now, come home... whilst knowing it won't ever happen. It is the massive shock of losing someone so important to you and whom you loved and who loved you so much, you have to give yourself time to grieve. My mum died at the beginning of June this year and I'm still finding it hard. It does get easier, in time, but it takes a long time. Take care of yourself, and huge hugs.
    Sparkling Wine x
     
  12. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    1,341
    Female
    East Coast of Australia
    A lot of us have been down this path. My Dad died after a fall which shattered his left side. he had bone cancer as a secondary from prostate cancer. It was hard for me to admit this was the end of his life and somehow the morphine etc helped his body wind down to death. That was January 2000 but I still remember my struggle with this ending. As long as we have done our best there should be no guilt but it seems to linger for a while. Just take things easy, build yourself back up and grieve as you can. (((hugs)))
     

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