1. Tony Tucker

    Tony Tucker Registered User

    Nov 17, 2006
    3
    Bristol
    Hi

    I need some advice - My Mum has Dementia and in a EMI home for 2 years, she is at the stage she sort of reconises us but not sure who we are.
    This week my Dad (aged 79) has been diagonosed with advanced lung and stomach cancer (as well as a heart attack!) Not sure how long he has been months at the most.
    What do I tell my mum? Is there any point as she wont take it in? Does she come to the funeral? I just don't know what to do!!

    On a different note - the house will be left to my Mum but my brother lives at home so will the social services be able to place a charge on the house or will we be forced to sell? It worries my Dad lots, he wants to know that my brother will not be made homeless as he mental health issue's (OCD) and on sickness benefit

    I wuld be interested in anyone's thoughts

    Tony
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Tony, Welcome to TP, though I am sorry that your circumstances are so sad at the moment.
    Whether to tell mum or not? From the decription of your mum it sounds unlikely that she would be able to understand what you were telling her, or remember. If you need to tell her, then I don't think that it will do her any harm. If she does have some understanding, is it wrong that she has a short time of grief for her husband? Is your father hospitalised?

    If your brother has been resident in the house, then I am sure that he has some protection. It would be worth you phoning the Alzheimers helpline where someone will be able to give you advice on this.
    Love Helen
     
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Hi Tony, welcome to TP

    I'm ambivalent on the tell or not tell front - I suspect I would tell once, but not push the issue.

    Regarding the house - why exactly would your father leave the house solely to your Mother? I realise that most spouses do leave their property to each other, but I'm not certain that this is the best thing in this case. You might want to think about this and get legal advice. Off the top of my head, perhaps consider if he should leave half the property to your mother, and half to the rest of you.

    There are safeguards to protect an adult child living in the family home, particularly in the case of mental illness. However, I believe there are certain requirements with regard to diagnosis, age of child, and length of residence. I assume that currently, the house falls under the disregard rule for the purposes of paying for your mother's care. I would strongly suggest a visit to the CAB.

    Jennifer
     
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Tony

    from what you say there is a Will already made out and signed?

    If there is no Will then it is a good idea to check with a solicitor. All the estate does not necessarily go to the spouse/partner in such a case, if there are offspring.

    ...so I understand.
     
  5. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Tony
    I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.

    When my father died it took us ages to pluck up courage to tell mum...when we did there was little reaction......she did go to his funeral but had forgotten it by the evening. However for the last 21 months since he died she asks where he is daily.

    As Jennifer says:-
    Both mum and dad had a clause in their will called "tenants in common" which meant that half the house was left to my brother and me if one or the other died,which of course leaves less money available to be used on care home fees.
    love
     
  6. Tony Tucker

    Tony Tucker Registered User

    Nov 17, 2006
    3
    Bristol
    Thanks

    Thank you for all your replies - I wrote the E mail at a bad time for me, feeling a lot better now. He home my mum is in are just great and helping us with Mum, I like the idea of telling her once and not pushing it.

    Not sure about going to the funeral though but will give it some thought.

    Yes my Dad has a will and from what he's told us it goes to mum, I know where a copy is and may have to ask him if I can have a look. Whatever the case we also need court of protection for my mum now and will have to get legal advice, so will discuss the best way forward then.

    I just feel that we are Vulture's circling but I just want my dad to be happy in his last weeks (coming home soon to spend his last days here - will make Xmas but not a lot after) And have the knowledge that my brother is ok and Mum is happy in her own way!

    Thank you everyone
     
  7. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Tony,
    You do not sound like a vulture. Your dad will be able to die more peacefully if he knows that both his wife and his sons (I include you) are sorted out.
    I would talk to a solicitor sooner rather than later, with dad, and get the will, the house and your brother sorted as quickly as possible; you don't want that all hanging over you for the next few weeks, there are more important things that you need to do with this time.
    Let us know how you get on.
    Love Helen
     
  8. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Tony
    You are not a vulture!!! But I do know how you feel.....been there! my dad had been wanting to update his will for some years because he worried about me but never got round to it ....this caused him some angst in his last few days. As Helen says your dad will feel much happier if things are sorted out.
    His last Christmas will be very special for you all......try to enjoy it (easier said than done)
    Stay strong and keep in touch
    love xx
     

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