My Dad has to move from his care home

[Carolina]

Hi everyone. My dad is 85 and was diagonised with vascular dementia about 3 years ago. Mom cared for him at home until 18 months ago when she developed Parkinsons Disease and couldn't cope any longer. I found a lovely residential home for him, very close to where I live, but was wracked with guilt when it came time to take him in. About 4 months later, mom joined him and they have been very happy together, except for the isolated aggressive bouts that dad has.

This week I have been told that the home has 'served notice' on dad to the social services department and they can no longer cope with these outbursts. The home is registered for dementia residents, but obviously not for people who can be aggressive. He has hurt a member of staff and now he has to go.

My main problem at this time is whether or not to uproot mom as well and take her too. She is quite happy at this care home and I think she would adapt to a life without my dad, but I don't think it would be as easy for him. He is still very aware and knows everyone around him. He lives totally to look after mom, although he does realise that he needs help with that now. Apart from the times when he is angry and agitated, he is still very loving and he gets on well with all the care staff.

I would feel terrible to have to part him from mom, but, on the other hand, I don't want to put mom in a home that isn't suitable for her. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Skye]

Hi Carolina, and welcome to TP.

I can understand what a dilemma this is for you. Obviously, you want to keep your parents together for as long as possible, but that might not be in the best interests of you mum.

I honestly don't know what would be best. Have you talked to the care home staff? They might be able to tell you how they would both cope with being separated.

The best person on the forum to advise you is alfjess, she has been struggling fr some time with this problem, and hopefully will come online and speak to you soon.

Love,

 

[alfjess]

Hi Carolina

Hazel is right in saying that I have been struggling for years, to keep my parents together.

I was in the same situation about 2 and a half months ago.

The lovely care home I had found for my parents, could no longer meet Mum's needs and because of Mum's behaviour, they were struggling to meet Dad's needs.

Mum was admitted to hospital and Dad slept for around 2 days. He was exhausted by Mum.

Dad is still in the same care home and looking soo much better and cared for, although he still has his uncooperative moments.

As much as I wanted Mum and Dad to end their life together, I don't now think, it was in Dad's best interests and I don't know if he even remembers Mum. He never mentions her, but I can't be sure, because it is hard to understand his jumbled speach

Everyone is different, you know your parent's best, but if your Mum is happy, content, well cared for, one out of two isn't bad and maybe your Dad will settle also

Take care

Alfjess

 

[Nell]

Dear Carolina,

Is your Dad on any medication to help him remain calm and not have outbursts off anger? If not, perhaps you could persuade the Home to try the medication route before insisting he goes elsewhere . . . . . ?? Just a thought . . .

 

[Taffy]

Hello and welcome to TP,

I really feel for you being in this difficult situation. It's really hard to advise what to do for the best. With your mum being happy and settled at the home.... that's a big plus in itself. Being registered for dementia care it must be very disappointing that your dad has to move on and I wonder what the next home can do that this home couldn't to handle these out bursts.

What ever you decide I sincerely hope that it works out for you.

Take Care, Taffy.

 

[Carolina]

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Dad has been prescribed medication - he has been on lorazapam for a couple of months and they have also tried respirodone, but they make him very sedated and the home is afraid he will fall and hurt himself as he is still very mobile. At present he is taking half a tablet of lorazapam every 3rd day, so only a very small dose and he seems absolutely fine, that is until something happens when he reacts in an aggressive way. There doesn't seem to be any build up to this, it just happens.

I too have wondered what another home could do that the present one can't. I thought they would just give him extra medication, but I wonder if they handled the situation better, then maybe things wouldn't get out of hand?

It does seem very cruel to split them up after 59 years of being together, but like you have said, mom is settled there, so do I just have to accept that one parent is ok? It's such a sad way to end your life.

 

[Mameeskye]

Hi Carolina

Just wondered from the home point of view if there were any combined registration units near you where they can deal with both EMI/Nursing care and some have more residential type accomodation too. Then each of your parents may be close, if not together, and able to get the care that they need and can see each other daily.

It will be a really tough decision to you to move your Mum when you don't have to and I know you will have a lot of pros and cons to weigh up.

Good luck. Let your decision be the one that you feel is right.

Love

Mameeskye