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My Dad Has Passed Away

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by jks, Mar 23, 2008.

  1. jks

    jks Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    67
    West Yorkshire
    It is exactly a week ago since my dear Dad died.

    He had DLB for about 6 years, during which my Mum cared for him at home until the end of January this year. He went into a care home as Mum could not cope with looking after him any more; she is not in good health herself, and it was just too much for her.

    He was admitted to hospital with an array of problems, and 24hrs after going in, the hospital rang and told me he only had a matter of hours left.....the hours turned into days, and the days into a whole week. They could not believe how strong he turned out to be. During this week, our lives were played out in one hospital room. Dad was unconcious, but we still chatted to him, told him things that we needed to say, and, on the whole, made ourselves ready for the final farewell. When it came, it was peaceful, pain-free and dignified. He breathed out, and simply did not breath in again.

    The hospital were fantastic with him during that last week. I don't know why I am surprised at the care and attention he received - I didn't expect him to be pushed into a corner and forgotton or anything - but the gentleness and dignity he was given was second to none. Every day he was washed, shaved, his mouth and nostrils cleaned, hair combed, and clean pyjamas put on. This made such a difference to us, his family, that he always looked comfortable and loved. I would have hated it if he appeared unkempt and neglected.

    I was surprised, but pleased, that his death certificate records the cause of death to be Dementia. It was actually pneumonia, but his dementia was the root cause. I'm glad that this wasn't ignored.

    I feel so sad. Not for his actual passing - we knew that it was inevitable, and that it was, in fact, a blessing. We would not have wished his life to continue in that state. In so many ways, the person that was my Dad 'left the building' long ago, lost in the fog of dementia. He left behind a beligerent old chap, who looked like him, but didn't act, talk, think or behave the same. We still had glimpses of the 'real' Dad from time to time, but as the years went by, these were less and less frequent. It still hurts though.


    The final page is written.
    The book is closed.
    We are at peace.


    jks
     
  2. nickyd

    nickyd Registered User

    Oct 20, 2007
    146
    warwickshire
    Dear jks,

    Sending you my Deepest Sympathy on the loss of your Father.
    It must help you enormously that he was well cared for and kept comfortable, and that now you are at peace.
    Of course it hurts, it is soul destroying to watch our Loved ones, suffer so much.

    Keep posting on TP, if you feel it can help,
    Sending you lots of Love,
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    Thank you for such a positive post. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your father.

    Your account of his treatment in hospital is a tonic in itself and it must have made his final days so much more comfortable for you all.

    take care xx
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear jks

    Thank you for your post. You are so positive -- about the end of your dad's life, about the wonderful care he had in hospital, about his peaceful end -- and most of all about your own feelings.

    You are bound to be sad, and will be for a long time. You have lost your dad, a very important figure in your life.

    But he is at peace now, so longer wracked by DLB and the torments that brings.

    The final page is written, but the book will not be closed as long as your dad is in your heart.

    I offer my deepest sympathy, and peace to you all.
     
  5. jks

    jks Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    67
    West Yorkshire
    Thank you all for your replies.

    I actually feel lucky - if I could travel back in time, a week or so, there is not one thing that I would change.

    I feel sad, but calm. I have no anger or regret at my Dads passing, just at the disease that stole his final years.

    There is no tragedy in the death of an old (77 years) chappie with his health problems. But it is sad.

    jks
     
  6. hendy

    hendy Registered User

    Feb 20, 2008
    506
    West Yorkshire
    Dear JKS
    I was saddened to hear of the death of your father. Please accept my sincere condolences. It must have been so reassuring to you and your family that Dads final days were comfortable, peaceful and dignified. His battle with this dreadful disease is over. My father is also in an advanced stage of dementia(possibly Lewy bodies). I understand why it was important to have his condition recognised on his death certificate. Thank you for your post.
    take care
    hendy
     
  7. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Please accept my deepest sympathies at this time.

    It is sad to hear the news but pleased that your Dad's dying was peaceful, pain free and dignified.

    Take care of yourself now. Best wishes Jan
     
  8. rhallacroz

    rhallacroz Registered User

    Sep 24, 2007
    106
    merseyside
    Dear Jks
    My sincere condonlonces to you. I am so pleased that you are able to reflect on dads last week and not feel that you wish you could have done this that or the other. That must give you an enormous sense of pease. Take care of yourself and like we all say take time to grieve.
    All my love
    Angela x
     
  9. sherrie1962

    sherrie1962 Registered User

    Mar 9, 2008
    5
    hertfordshire
    condolences

    jks My family and I pass on our condolences to you at this very sad time. I lost my mum in January this year, so have an idea of how you are feeling.It must give you some form of comfort knowing that he was well cared for right up to the end, and not suffering anymore,he is now at peace. Think of all the happy memories you shared,this has helped me get through each day, r
    remembering happier times with my mum.

    Take care love sherrie.
     
  10. Linda Mc

    Linda Mc Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    1,881
    Nr Mold
    I am so sorry for the loss of your father but pleased his passing was so peaceful.

    Love and sympathy to you and your family.

    Linda x
     
  11. jks

    jks Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    67
    West Yorkshire
    Thank you all for your kind and heartfelt words.

    Dads cremation is this afternoon. There will be many tears, and also maybe a wry smile or too - Mum wanted Dad cremated in his 'sunday best' suit - but apparently, leather shoes are not allowed, so I had to nip out and buy him a pair of cheapie shoes.....Dad would have thought that so funny!

    Thank you again. It really helps, coming here.

    jks
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    We will be thinking of you.
     
  13. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    #14 Grannie G, Mar 26, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2008
     
  15. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hello again jks,

    Don't want to poach your thread,but what Sylvia said...

    means that our loved ones are still with us..we keep their memory alive..so they haven't really gone..

    They will always be with us..as long as we remember..

    I still miss my dad..and he would dismiss the tears I'm shedding for him now and tell me not to be so sentimental..

    Love Gigi xx
     
  16. clarethebear

    clarethebear Registered User

    Oct 16, 2007
    197
    manchester, uk
    Hi Jks

    Im sorry to hear of the passing of your father. I am glad his passing was a peacefull one.

    Take Care
    Clare
     
  17. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear JKS,

    My sincere condolences on the loss of your father. You are showing remarkable strength and grace, which makes your post so uplifting to read. May you find comfort in knowing your Dad is finally at peace.
     

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