My Dad has just been diagnosed with dementia - won't discuss it

[zoelo75]

Hi

I'm new to this forum and whilst I am not a carer of someone with dementia I am the daughter of someone with dementia and this is my first experience of the condition.

My Dad was recently diagnosed with dementia and has started a care plan and medication. However, he won't discuss it and yet is paranoid that we (his wife and children) are having conversations about it without his knowledge.

He's easily confused and gets anxious if anyone in the family tries to raise with him about putting in place things to help him longer term. A specific example right now is that myself and my brother would like to get an LPOA in place for helping with longer term needs, but it is very difficult to raise this with him and then, when we do, he gets confused or says he doesn't remember the conversation when it is next raised.

My Mum, his main carer, doesn't help because she doesn't like us to bring up any subject which makes him confused or anxious because he has a tendency to become aggressive when upset.

I am particularly concerned about the impact of him not agreeing to an LPOA, but how can I raise it in a way that doesn't upset him and yet moves the conversation on so we can get this in place? I would love to get them independent advice, but they don't have any friends who they have told about Dad's condition and are being reluctant to accept any support group or external help.

I'd be really grateful to know if anyone has any experience of this and how they addressed it? Also, if I am being overly concerned about the LPOA and in reality we don't need it, so I shouldn't be making him anxious about it and should just drop the conversation.

Thank you

 

[balloo]

if he is that bad already will be to late for lasting power of A will have to get courts to do it and that takes longer and costs double .we got LPOA with MIL and using sociitors cost £1500 he said if she was worse would have to go through courts and costs £3000

 

[jaymor]

Hi and welcome to Talking Point. LPAs are important and will make life so much easier if or when your Father is no longer able to cope. As none of us knows what the future holds for us it is wise fr all of us to have a LPA. May be if your Mother or yourself set up a LPA at the same time your Father would feel more at ease.

I did mine at the same time as my husband 10 years ago. It's not just dementia that warrants putting assurance in place.

 

[Lawson58]

I agree with jaymor in that it may be easier to get him to agree if your mum does the same thing for herself at the same time. And it doesn't need to be done because of the dementia but simply because they are both getting older. At the time of OH's diagnosis, the geriatrician gave us a government produced booklet that helped us to complete the necessary documents for both financial and health and welfare PoAs.

It took a bit of talking together and I didn't rush it but what helped was that I nominated him first on the forms for me. I understand fully that he would not be able to undertake the responsibilities required but it made him feel as if I still had some respect for him and I think that was the thing that helped me sell the idea.

Your dad is obviously in denial and I understand what you say when you talk about the paranoia. Your dad may be confused and anxious but that doesn't mean that he has lost capacity yet. So you have to work on your mum and take it gently.

 

[tigerqueen]

I agree with everyone else about the LPA. This is so important to get done now as when your Dad does lose capacity it will then be too late and will be a very time consuming and costly process to resolve. Also if your mother has a joint bank account with your Dad, when he loses capacity the bank may freeze the account if there is no LPA in place.

My OH was resistant to doing an LPA but I kept on about it until he eventually agreed when I said I was going to do one for me too.

In the early stages my OH was also paranoid about me speaking about him, and everytime I went on the phone he would listen in, in case I was talking about him. Try not to talk about him within hearing, and if you need to discuss something about him that you feel cannot be discussed with him, try to have the discussion when he is not around. He will already be upset about the changes happening to him, and so will be super sensitive to the thought that you are all discussing him behind his back.

Good luck with the LPA x