1. Esty

    Esty New member

    Oct 20, 2019
    2
    Hi all,
    I'm new to this forum. My dad had early onset Parkinson's Disease and has developed dementia in the last few years. He's still only in his 60s, and my mum is his full-time caregiver. He's always been stubborn and impatient, but the dementia has made it far worse. Sometimes he's almost impossible to be around. He can also be very horrible to my mum, saying nasty things to her. Does/has anyone else experienced similar things? Have you any advice on how to cope with it?
     
  2. Kay111

    Kay111 Registered User

    Sep 19, 2019
    95
    Hi Esty, welcome to the forum.

    You'll find lots of people here in similar situations so hopefully you'll be able to get lots of advice and support. My dad has only just turned 70 and has had dementia symptoms for about 8 years now. He too was..."crabby," shall we say, before the diagnosis. And now he can be very aggressive and just plain mean to mum who is his 24/7 caregiver. It's really tough and I feel for you and your mum. One thing I try to remind mum is not to take it personally. A lot of the time it's not really directed at her (though as she's the one who's there, and things said are quite personal, it feels that way). Sometimes it's just a way that a person with dementia expresses any discomfort/fear/anxiety etc. Does your mum find that certain things trigger his nasty comments? Maybe when moving from A to B, or if he's in a place that's very noisy and busy?
     
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    5,015
    N Ireland
    Hello @Esty, you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

    I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

    You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

    Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
     
  4. Esty

    Esty New member

    Oct 20, 2019
    2
    Hi,
    Thanks for your reply. A lot of the times the comments can just seem to come out of nowhere, but there are times when he can get nasty when he doesn't get his way. Most of the time, though, he is just plain difficult. More and more, it's like having a stranger around the house, but one that looks like my dad. I think one of the hardest things is trying to explain things to him; for example, he got himself completely worked up because I took the old wi-fi reuter away as we got a new one from a new provider, but he could not grasp that. He then got angry at my mum and blamed her for 'going behind his back' and getting rid of the wi-fi. He eventually accepted what was happening when the wi-fi on his laptop was working again. It's things like these that I find stressful and upsetting.
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,077
    Yorkshire
    #5 Shedrech, Oct 21, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2019
    hi @Esty
    a warm welcome from me too

    might I suggest you hold off on trying to explain things, instead find a non-commital response, or even agree and aplogise ... and then either leave him be or distract with a cuppa, something else he's interested in, suddenly seeing something fascinating in a magazine/outside to show him ... ie anything to take his attention away

    as you've found, explaining, arguing, discussing just means he fastens on more tightly and becomes more convinced he's right and you or your mum are wrong, foolish or trying to trick. him ... so he just gets more negative and confrontational
    eg with the wifi router, I might have just apologised and appeared to put it back (hiding the new one behind it, or somehow) .. even leaving it all and dealing with it when he wasn't around ... I had to hide a lot of electrical equipment with dad and cover any flashing lights as he hunted them out and switched them off, but out of sight was mostly out of mind

    this thread may give you some helpful suggestions
    https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

    when he is nasty to your mum she might simply take herself out of his presence for a while ... how often I told my dad I needed to pop to the loo, then didn't go near him for for quite sometime, and when I did had a cuppa and a biscuit for him, with a smile fixed on my face, ready to make a quick exit if he started up again ... or even try simply stating firmly (no raised voice though) that she will not be spoken to in that way, and leave him alone
     

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