My Dad has dementia but won't take advise on his care

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Millyella41, Jan 14, 2016.

  1. Millyella41

    Millyella41 Registered User

    Sep 23, 2015
    Hello! I would like peoples thoughts on how I can deal with my situation.
    I am 41 and live with my parents. My dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia last September. A dementia nurse came and advised my parents on how to manage his lifestyle and care for himself. My Dad also has COPD and osteoarthritis. My Mum is his main carer. Since his diagnosis he has taken none of the advise from the nurse or rrom family.
    He wont eat properly, he wont exercise and does nothing to stimulate hiself mentally.
    He is rude and can be verbally agressive towards my mum and myself. My mum does everything for him which she doesn't need to do as he is still extremely capable!
    Whatever advise I give to either of them is ignored
    I am now at a point where I am getting angry and frustrated
    Can anyone advise?
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
  3. Millyella41

    Millyella41 Registered User

    Sep 23, 2015
    Yes I can appreciate that but Dad was this way before he had dementia so I dont think this is a new thing or nessecerily because of the dementia
  4. Millyella41

    Millyella41 Registered User

    Sep 23, 2015
    Dad has always done as he pleases, my main concern is for my mums health
  5. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    I do sympathise. It is very frustrating but there's nothing you can do if they won't listen. (My dad ignored me stubbornly and everything I worried would happen, did happen.) Try to take an emotional step back so it's not causing your own stress levels to rocket. They're going to need you later on. *Big hug*
  6. Millyella41

    Millyella41 Registered User

    Sep 23, 2015
    Thankyou RedLou! It is a worry and I have worked in dementia care so this isnt new territory but its frightening when its a family member
  7. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Hi my Mum has Alzheimers and my Dad has cognitive impairment.

    My Dad has more behavioural issues than my Mum.
    His previous personality combined with his cognitive impairment and Mum Alzheimers means Dad personality x 10.
    There has been no amount of discussion with me, with our family GP, with health professionals that have changed Dads way of thinking one iota.
    The Memory Team nurse suggested he keep doing crosswords, go walking, join a gym, or community group, and he nodded his head and agreed with what she said and then it went out the window. Not for want of me trying to encourage him.

    Took me a long time, with a lot of anger, and angst to realise this is it, and its not going to change.
    If you have read the article on Compassionate Communication, I have had to use alot of these techniques on Dad also. I have found that instead of getting angry at things he says and does, i just have to find the humour in things, appeal to his better nature, but tell him off when warranted.
    He can get verbally nasty with Mum, and thats only what I do hear. ( but sorry to say he was always like this)
    For this reason, I keep a very close on eye things.
  8. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    #8 RedLou, Jan 15, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
    Yes, it churns your mind and heart like no other -- my OH works with people with dementia and I had a lot of exposure to the illness before and a lot of expert advice during my dad's dementia 'journey' -- I was still unprepared. Just be kind to yourself. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. That's not your fault, it's dementia's fault.

    BTW I also found that some aspects of my father's personality, the stubbornness, the self-centred aspect, were seemingly magnified by the dementia. I had a friend once whose OH had early onset dementia (diagnosed in his early 40s!) She believed his intrinsic self emerged as his 'civilisation' went. In his case - as an ex-army man with PTSD - it began to come out violently. Such a terrible disease. You are not alone and the pain you feel is understood by many.
  9. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Hi. Welcome to TP.
    Unfortunately though your Dad was like this pre Dementia, it's damage being done to his brain by the Dementia that is making Dad worse.

    The professionals give advice which is often unattainable or unsuitable for whatever reason , this is often advise from training, text books ect and may not be possible in real life.
    Ie ,I had great difficulty in getting mum to drink anything because she thought it was poison, I did find one drink mum liked but even on a good day I could only get three drinks into her, she also detested water.
    So one day I had to call a GP out for some reason , this chap insisted I must give mum 8 glasses of water a day and it had o be water, He got short shrift from me and we never saw him again.

    Do what you can to support your mum (I know it's difficult) I'm thinking it may be best providing it's safe of course, not try to persuade your dad to do what he doesn't want to.
  10. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Don't try to tell him, just gently try to guide him in vaguely the direction you want him to go. It'll be like herding cats, to start!
    Look after mum, she'll need it soon enough.

  11. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Yes, a lot of professionals don't understand dementia. They may well think they do, because they've 'been on a course' or whatever, but all too often they have no conception of the practical realities.
    It sounds so simple to someone with no idea to say 'drink eight glasses of water a day...'

    Ditto 'mental stimulation' - it's all very well telling someone to keep on doing their crosswords etc., but if they have no interest any more, and maybe just find them too difficult or demanding now, there's not much you can do.
    My mother had always enjoyed crosswords, but it was quite early in the disease that she couldn't manage them any more. Now and then I would do one with her, but she would usually say, 'I can't be bothered.' IMO it was just too much for her poor old brain to cope with, and I never pushed it.
  12. Millyella41

    Millyella41 Registered User

    Sep 23, 2015
    Thankyou to everyone for their advice and opinions it means alot to discuss things with people who are going through the same thing

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