My dad cancelled his memory assessment

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Kuiper27, Nov 17, 2019.

  1. Kuiper27

    Kuiper27 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2019
    My dads memory assessment service at mom and dads house has been cancelled by dad. They rang to confirm next weeks visit unbeknown to me and he said there was nothing wrong with his memory. My hard of hearing mom heard him using a raised voice. She told me this. I said I was going to phone the clinic and she asked me not to. I have phoned the clinic and the appointment is back at clinic at the end of the month, if I can get him there. I can only try and reason but he forgets fifteen minutes later anything you say.

    He gets nasty with mom. This is my concern. He tells her he hates her. He wishes that he had never married her, he married beneath himself and should have listened to his family. I walked in from the kitchen last week and he was shouting at her accusing her of having an affair with a member of a group they used to go out with. I challenged him and he said it was nothing. I said it wasn't nothing because he was shouting at mom, I'd heard everything and he went on to justify his accusation. I reassured him calmly that there was no way mom would have had the chance, aside from anything else she was never keen on this person. He went on to say one of the other members had phoned him warning him to watch her with this person. I said he should ignore tittle tattle.

    His personality is not the same. He would never have been like this with mom. He gets a bit nasty with me sometimes. He shouted at me during an appointment with a consultant. She was concerned, asked me and mom some questions, she sent dad and mom out of the room to make an appointment , keeping me back allegedly waiting for his blood form. She asked me more questions and I was honest. I asked her to keep my name out of anything because of repercussions for mom. She wrote to his GP giving him the results of this consultation, also suggesting he checked dad for dementia, after concerns from family members! Of course he read the letter and went mad.

    He did go and see the GP. He admitted his memory wasn't great and the GP did a mini test on Him. I was shocked to the core that he didn't know what day, month or year it was. Followed by he didn't need to know those things anyway! The doctor talked to dad and dad agreed to go for memory assessment. He had a letter and he said he'd cancel it. I phoned the GP and he managed to get one for at home and this is what he cancelled.

    My mom has Atrial Fibrillation, three leaking valves, low grade myeloma (blood cancer) and fragile osteoporosis. He wakes her up in the early hours of the morning by shining a torch in her face and insisting she gets up to look for things, which most times they don't have any more. He's even asked her where her certain clothing is from 50+ years ago

    He's also feeding stray cats at a cost of more than £200 a month. He's refused to claim attendance allowance. I've recently been to age uk with mom to get the form done for her. He won't hear of it for him. He tried to stop her claiming but I said she was entitled to try. I said it would help pay for a gardener as their garden is huge. He said no that he can do it. He's 85 and we are talking borders that need digging. He has dropped neck syndrome as well

    I know this is a long post but I needed to put it down to give an overview but it's more like an essay! Apologies!
  2. charlie10

    charlie10 Registered User

    Dec 20, 2018
    No need to apologise @Kuiper27, everyone needs to get it off their chest sometimes. Welcome to the forum, I'm sure when England starts to wake up you'll get advice from other pwd is in England and I'm across the world, so I have no practical caring experience, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Take care
  3. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    channel islands
    Its good to get it down and post - TP is a great place just to do this and take out your frustration because we can all empathise. I think as carers we go through a mountain of emotions so don't apologise - we are all human. I am sure other TP members will give you practical advice but just want to say even if you feel you write rubbish or vent it doesn't matter - we have all been there.
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello @Kuiper27

    It sounds as if your dad is frightened about what is happening to him which may be why he is refusing a memory assessment.
    My husband was the same.

    Does your dad have any other medical conditions which he might accept a medical appointment for? My husband was diabetic and accepted seeing his doctors for blood tests and check ups.
    If you can get your dad to be tested on any pretext, without mentioning memory, you might succeed in getting him some help.
    An age related well man check up perhaps?

    Meanwhile it might be better if you don`t discuss your dad`s memory loss with him.

    The following may be helpful.

    Please do not feel the need to apologise for a long post. Dementia Talking Point is here for carers to off load and share their concerns. It`s only by sharing concerns with people who have walked the path before you, will you be more able to help your parents.
  5. Kuiper27

    Kuiper27 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2019
    #5 Kuiper27, Nov 17, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2019
    @Grannie G

    Wow, that compassionate communication is awesome. It explains a lot. My dad always ends up needing to run to the toilet just before we go anywhere. Strangely I said to mom I wonder if this is anxiety. I've learnt to allow time for this.
  6. Kuiper27

    Kuiper27 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2019
    Thanks for these great and reassuring replies.

    I have a question. Despite dad cancelling his memory assessment appointment I managed to get a provisional one done. Would it be really bad if I tricked him into going? I feel guilty at this thought. Or would it be best to let things lie? My concern is mom in all of this

    I feel like I'm going against him but he does need help. Btw I haven't told him I know he cancelled the appointment. Seems no point, he most likely won't remember doing it. I think I'm learning on my feet but this site is an amazing goldmine of information
  7. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    Hi @Kuiper27 welcome to DTP I’m glad you are finding the forum helpful.
    I wouldn’t call it trickery I would call it ‘love lies’ you are doing your best in very difficult circumstances..
    I hope you find a way to get him there
  8. Kuiper27

    Kuiper27 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2019
    Thank you I kind of feel a bit kinder. In the short space of time I have been here so much has been learned. I feel for all of us who are and have been going through this experience
  9. Kuiper27

    Kuiper27 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2019
    So today mom told me that dads memory assessment was cancelled. I said I knew and that it was ok. Dad came in and mom said to him that I knew he had no appointment tomorrow. He looked at me and I said it's fine. No problem we will go out shopping as usual. He was quite bright today but his memory is still dreadful. His mood was good and no sign of the aggression I've seen of late.

    I do think I'm going to just have to drop him up to the clinic on the day without telling him or mom what I'm up to. I think it's best if maybe I get them into the car, go to pull away and then remember the appointment. It's all I can do. A friend of mine said that I should say that if he refuses to go to this one, that social services will be involved because he cancelled the previous one but I'm not overly keen on threats. I think it might stress him more. However he is really wily! Any thoughts?
  10. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    #10 Sarasa, Nov 19, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2019
    We managed to get my mum to an appointment at the memory clinic but she flatly refused to talk to the nurse. I think if the nurse had been willing to chat to mum and explain what would be happening mum might have gone along with it, but the woman just backed off.
    Various other attempts were made, mum had a habit of calling the police, who would then call out paramedics and social services, but mum would say she was fine so that didn’t get things further. In the end things only happened as mum had a meltdown in the doctor’s surgery throwing tablets around and accusing them of deliberately muddling her medicines. That got the psychiatrist round to her place unannounced and he diagnosed probable vascular dementia.
    I guess what I’m saying if you don’t get him there see if you can get the clinic to come out and see him. Having a diagnosis helped us as a family decide what next to do for mum’s care, so I hope you do manage to get him there.
  11. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Would he go to the "Memory Clinic" just to show the doctors, how good his memory actually is?
    This might be an idea to use, to get him out of the car, should he get difficult on the day.
    You are there to see the good side of his memory, not the bad side.

  12. Kuiper27

    Kuiper27 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2019
    Hi @Sarasa @Bod

    Thank you for your suggestions. I will definitely try to get dad to the clinic on the 28th, he cancelled the home visit which would have been great.

    His chest is bad right now but he is flatly refusing to go to the doctor (the enemy in his book), so I've suggested he sees the nurse. I may have to make the appointment for him. He sees his GP as the enemy because he took dads drivers licence off him and later referred him to the memory assessment clinic, with dads full permission.

    Bod I think that yes, I will try reverse psychology on him. That may just do the trick. Sarasa my dad has good days bad days but he has more bad than good. He's been OK the last couple of days. I've take all pressure off him with decision making, changing to a helpful suggestion instead. I've got mom on board with this and hallelujah! she's wearing her hearing aids, so he gets some form of communication from her. It's frustrating for me when she refuses to wear them but it must be maximised for someone in dads situation.

    This site is an absolute godsend, no price can ever be put on shared experience and support that is given here. Again I repeat myself, I am learning so much

    Everyone reading this post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart

  13. Kuiper27

    Kuiper27 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2019
    I felt nervy about all this with dad and the clinic so today, I decided to speak to the lovely lady at the memory assessment clinic. She was so helpful. Anyway I told her how I planned to just fetch him up and she didn't think it was a good idea. He has to come willingly. So I'm going to try and talk to him. She suggested explaining that he can come in for a chat and nothing else. If he refuses, she suggested that maybe he might chat to her on the phone. I said all I can do is try

    I'm definitely finding living in the now when being around him a lot easier. I was a bit worried today because he seemed troubled and sad. I asked if he was ok. He said he was. Mom said he'd been awake most of the night doing his routine of looking for things they no longer have. She was tired too

    He decided to try and change a lightbulb the other evening. He wouldn't let any of us change it. It's a chandelier. Well he has a dropped neck syndrome and he can't look up, so he reached and I said hang on dad but he pulled the chandelier, the fuse blew, there was a big flash. I thought he'd been electrocuted. Thankfully he hadn't. I put my mobile phone torch on and asked if he was ok? Then, as it's the original electric system and wiring from when the house was built, my daughter had to fix the fuse using fuse wire. He wasn't happy with her doing it although she's over 40! She let him try but in the end he let her do it but this process alone because he wanted to help took a very frustrating 30 minutes or more!

    He's so convinced he can do things like dig the garden every time mom suggests getting a gardener in. He gets the tools out, leaves them in the garden and falls asleep. He sleeps a lot in the day. Mom is struggling with all of this but isn't in good health herself. I'm trying so hard to help but not overtake. She can't go out independently due to health issues

    I've suggested joining a friendship group but dad said absolutely not and mom just went along with his wishes. So the only place they ever go is shopping or to the garden centre.

    I had a bit of a meltdown this morning I was so overwhelmed. I feel guilty saying this but I'm worn out, very down and tearful. They refuse to have a carer and I feel kind of stranded, drowning, out of my depth. My husband rarely sees me. My brother works full time and has a young family. My daughters also work full time and have families too. They did step in when I was laid up with an arthritic flare up in my back and hip. I have asthma and Bronchiectasis which has resulted in me having four chest infections in the last six months. I also have moderate sleep apnoea. I have to wear a mask attached to a CPAP machine at night. When I'm not able to go down for a few days due to this, my mom seems to deteriorate. I've spoken to their GP but nothing can be done without dads consent or her accepting outside help

    I'm sorry for offloading but I'm just overwhelmed and just can't sleep

    Big hugs to everyone here

    CLEMENTINA Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    Hi, I am so sorry, you and your mom and dad are going through a very tough time. I have found things easier as my Other Half has become more dependent and not insistent on trying to do things himself. The very big thing was stopping him driving. I just took the keys and hid them and my son helped by explaining about the diagnosis and the authorities and insurance but he chose to ignore all that and it took a year for him to stop telling all and sundry I was stopping him. Keep going, and get all the help you can and keep sharing. All the best, clementina
  15. Kuiper27

    Kuiper27 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2019
    My dads GP stopped dad from driving. To be honest it was a massive relief. He's still very upset about it and now unfortunately sees the doctor as the enemy

    CLEMENTINA Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
  17. Kuiper27

    Kuiper27 Registered User

    Nov 17, 2019
    Quick update. Dad went to memory assessment clinic. He went without any fuss. There was no real trickery on my part. I told him an appointment had been sent to my phone. When I contacted the number it was the Mas. Before I said anything else he said this is my bloody doctor. He said in that case he would go. I said he was going for a chat. He had a chat with the nurse. She then asked him if he’d like to do the assessment. He agreed

    I am awake thinking how awful he must have felt yesterday. He thinks he’s ok but his wife and daughter were saying hurtful things. He didn’t recollect saying something very derogatory to my daughter about mom. He said he’d not seen her for months. It was two days before. Mom told the nurse about dads violence towards her. He was shocked to the core. I love my dad but this was necessary to get him help and mom protected.

    We are awaiting the results. It’s so sad, this whole process
  18. neillypeely

    neillypeely New member

    Dec 4, 2019
    Alzheimers Society co-ordinated a cognitive assessment for driving for my Dad at home, which I was incredibly grateful for. He failed. Scored 14. 10 is the fail point. Claims he didn't treat it with sufficient respect considering it's gravity. So he contested. DVLA called yesterday apparently to say he has an actual physical driving test arranged end of Jan. He's 84. Diagnosed earlier this year. Mum is 4 years ahead of him, and only by speaking to GP myself when renewal came around, did he eventually agree to write to DVLA and recommend licence cancellation for her, which duly arrived last week. So currently neither of them on the road (saving other car park users thousands in un-scratched door panels),
    and so now it's son's taxi........ which is a golf type r!

    Just saying this in a public forum is so therapeutic

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