My brother is making me feel guilty

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Jenga, Apr 21, 2015.

  1. Jenga

    Jenga Registered User

    Mar 27, 2015
    I moved my mum to a new care home on Sunday, I initally had her in a care home for 3 1/2 months respite, as my Dad went into hospital in November had a high leg amputation and only recently came out. During the time my Dad was in hospital we managed to keep my mum off alcohol while in respite long enough to get a diagnosis of alcohol induced dementia with Probable Alzheimers. The last year has been awful because I could see my mum s memory was really failing which resulted in her having lots of brandy becasue she forgot she had had some then Got addicted, although of course. She said I was lying when I tried to speak to her about it, showing her the numerous empty bottles was not evidence enough. However abstinence has not improved her memory which was expected. I moved my parents to my home town 5 years ago, because they lived away from all the family and my Dad was having lots of health issues and my mum was trying to cope, even back then some friends were saying her memory was not as good and I feel guilty now as I think the move probably made matters worse. I ended up looking after both of my parents. My mum by the way is my step mum and she has 2 sons older than me I ALos have 2 older sisters, all live away and all but one sister do not want to get involved, the one sister lives too far away and does not have enough money to visit but she supports me with phone calls. I also have a very demanding job which pays the mortgage on my home and the bungalow I purchased for my parents and I am now really struggling. With Dad in hospital for so long mum went down hill rapidly and it became apparent that once my Dad did come home ina wheelchair they would not cope well together, even social services recmmmended I keep mum where she is while my dad learnt how to cope with life in a wheelchair, he in fact has done OK but even he made the heartbreaking decision that bringin mum home would be very difficult. So we found a home that we liked and that we knew would take social services funding when our money runs out which we know it will. My Brother (step) said to me last night, is there no way she can go back home? This was after I told him their money would run out in a year , he as horrified and asked if I would move quite a lot of the money into his bank account (sigh) I said no that cannot be done, he then pursued me with why had I put HIS mum into the care home and left my dad at home, so I now have had a sleepless night ( one of many) that although I tried to keep all my siblings up to date ( they never phoned me) and it has always been me that has looked after my parents and now both in two entirely different circumstances, the mental and physical toll it is having on me is immense, I feel guilty and now am starting to think I have made a big mistake and that I have been selfish especially as my mum is one of the better residents in her new home! She herself asks everyday why she can't go home when dad comes to visit, but after he has gone she settles down quickly and enjoys the company and food! She even gets a glass of red juice which she proclaims is the best wine she has ever had. Nobody in the medical world said I should out mum permanently in a care home but life before dad went into hospital was a series of falls, some alcohol induced, not eating being unwell and doing dangerous things like putting things in the oven and leaving them in there until cremated, once I came round and the oven on (gas) but it was not lit. Hygiene was really poor and they both looked in ill health. The very happy cat was fed about 10 times a day becasue she had forgotten she had fed her! I even turned up one day to take them out for lunch and she sold she was ready, she was wearing her underwear shoes and popsocks, that was it. So being the one who is seeing them both on a daily basis and dealing with the many crisis in their lives I could see that things were not right but my Brother has made me now doubt it all and I wonder now whether I have made the right decisions.
  2. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    After reading your post I think you have made the right decision. How on earth are your parents going to be carers for each other?

    There is no way you can commit to caring for two people and your Mum is being looked after so some of the strain is removed for you and you can concentrate on your Dad.

    It sounds a little like your brother is more concerned about money being used to care for your Mum than he is about her welfare. Please don't be pressurised into bringing Mum home to live with Dad, it is a recipe for disaster.

    Take care
  3. opaline

    opaline Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    Your 'brother' has got some cheek!!! Am I reading this correctly, that he wants your parents money transferred into his account?? If so, that would be seen as 'deprivation of assets' when the time comes for SS to get involved. I can't believe his audacity! Next time he suggests your stepmum comes home tell him to come and collect her!
  4. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Jenga, your account has clearly identified why your brother is trying to manipulate you. Forget him. Keep in touch with the sibling(s) who support you and leave it at that.
  5. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    If you already have Power of Attorney and you moved money then it would be you who would get into trouble! How dare he try to take their funds.

    If he wants HIS mum home I would ask him when would be convenient for her to move in with him?
  6. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Don't give him another thought. I think it is not that uncommon for a relative who does nothing, or very little, to help, to want the person back home rather than in a care home, not because they think it's best for them, but because they can see all the money they were hoping to get disappearing.
    It is noticeable how that relative always thinks that once the person would be back home, someone else would be doing all the caring and running around. Funny how it is always up to someone else.
  7. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    hello Jenga. Welcome to TP.
    I don't normally quote only part of a person post, but feel it is important this time, the bolding is mine.

    even social services recmmmended I keep mum where she is while my dad learnt how to cope with life in a wheelchair, he in fact has done OK but even he made the heartbreaking decision that bringin mum home would be very difficult.

    I wish I could kick the guilt monster off your shoulder, it has no right to be there.
    Your Dad made the ultimate decision and from what I have read it was the right one.
    You not only found a lovely place where Mum is happy and well cared for but will also accept LA funding when the time comes.

    I won't pass comment on the unsupportive siblings, except to say shame on them.
    But I will say this because I feel it needs saying.
    You have done everything you possibly could and coped very well under difficult circumstances!!!
    I am glad you have one supportive Sister

    But to
  8. Perdita

    Perdita Registered User

    Jun 22, 2009
    Suffolk, Uk
    I agree with Witzend and others, you have done exactly the right thing in the best interests of your mum and dad. Don't worry about your brother :)
  9. Angela T

    Angela T Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    There's no doubt that you did the right thing - you saw what had to be done, and you did it, even though it is always a difficult decision.

    Your stepbrother is interested in the money, nothing else, so he won't be any help in making decisions for your stepmother's safety and well-being.

    But he clearly resents what you are doing, and he could get unpleasant - so I would say you need to be careful how you deal with him.
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    #10 canary, Apr 21, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2015
    Hi Jenga

    I think your brothers response is appalling. He has had no input into her care, given you no support and has now suddenly come out of the woodwork just when he sees his inheritance disappearing. His request to have her money put into his account (Im sure you know that is wrong) has left me gob-smacked as it is so blatant that it is the money that he cares about, not her. How dare he try and guilt-trip you [​IMG]

    You know it is the best thing for her. Social Services recommended it (and in my experience they dont do that unless there is no other option) and her husband recognises that its for the best too. You have found a lovely care home where she is settled and looked after in a way that she could not be at home. You have not failed her - on the contrary, you have done the very best for her.

    Be proud of yourself.
  11. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    I fully agree with all the others.
    Your doing the right thing!
    My advice regarding your brother, introduce him to this forum, he will be educated, or frightened off!

    Well done for what you have done.

  12. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    Totally agree with the above. Your step brother is clearly only worried about the money and has shown no interest in your stepmum's welfare so screw him. This sort of thing makes me so flippin' cross I am grinding my jaw while typing! I thank the lord every day I have such a wonderful brother and wish I could bottle some of him and send to everyone on this forum who is an only child or who has unsupportive siblings.

    The only thing I have to add is this: You say you have kept your siblings informed and I would suggest if any of this has been via email that you search through your 'sent' history and their replies and move them to a separate file. And from now on make sure you email all updates to them (even if you phone as well) and keep copies in that file. You never know when you might be called upon to account for your actions, as infuriating as it is. Likewise keep their new email responses in the file too, it will show their unwillingness to help with their mum's plight.

    In fact it would be better if you restrict your contact regarding 'important' stuff to email so that you have a well documented account of what is happening. This is just in case, further down the line, they dispute your part in the 'demise of their inheritance' (grrr gnash gnash grind grind) and try to get legal on your ass. I'm not saying they will but you need to protect yourself, sadly this horrible condition and the knock on effects not only brings out the best in some people, it also brings out the very worst in others.

    And MASSIVE HUGS to you Jenga, you have gone above and beyond and done everything you can for her. Best wishes for your dad too and well done to him for overcoming such challenges, I bet you're really proud of him. xxx
  13. fredsnail

    fredsnail Registered User

    Dec 21, 2008
    Please put the guilt monster back in it's box - you've done everything possible and it wasn't your decision.

    Your brother has no right to make you feel like that - you've done everything to paying to provide their home, working in a stressful job so that you can pay for 2 houses and you have to do what's right for both parents - which is what you've done.
  14. Jenga

    Jenga Registered User

    Mar 27, 2015
    Thankyou All

    Thankyou all for the great responses (tears flooding down my face) reading all your replies has really encouraged me to continue with what I believe us the caring and safest way for my parents and hopefully the happiest which is also important for me for them. I will take on board the legal side as well as the great supportive words and hopefully get a good nights sleep knowing I have the support as many of us do of the great words of wisdom and experience you all have to offer. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
  15. DivingDavey

    DivingDavey Registered User

    Feb 18, 2015
    I can only agree with the above posts, you should feel proud rather than guilty.

    As others have said if your brother is keen to have your mum at home, ask him what his arrangements are for when he gets her to his home.

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