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My biggest obstacles in caring for my Mum

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,611
Auckland...... New Zealand
Are truly my Dad and my brother!

My Dad has cognitive impairment ( but supposedly doesn't have dementia) His memory is reasonably good.
Everything I suggest, do or say , Dad does the opposite, or resists any changes to make things easier for Mum.
This is a constant battle between deciding is it his cognitive impairment or is he just being bloody minded.
Example. It is our summer here, and Mum cannot cope with the heat. I bought them a new fan, which is better and quieter than their old one. i come home from work to find Mum on the point of exhaustion ( who knows if she has had enough to drink). Curtains closed, doors closed and no fan on. She tells me Dad turned it off.
Dad says it will use up all the electricity.
" What would you do Dad if Mum collapsed with this heat" ....No answer! Shrugs his shoulders.
They have a St John alarm system. Dad tells me he didn't think it worked anymore because Mum won't wear her pendant alarm. They have a main alarm unit also right by their TV with a big red emergency button!!


My brother who is having relationship problems and is temporarily staying at Mum & Dads and who admits that in over 2 years he has not looked up any info about Alzheimers let alone ring the Alz Society is literally doing my head in.

Out of 3 bedrooms, he has taken possession of two of them, with all his clutter and mess. Of course you cannot tell Mum not to go in either room... She just will.
One day, she will go in and trip over and fall badly. He says well, she will just have to stay out!
I have told him to clean them up, and he has until this weekend.

He leaves his laptop, keys, and wallet on the dining table. I have told him before to remove them, in case Mum tidies them away.
One day when he was out, Mum was at the dining table eating, and knocked a glass of water over. Inches within his laptop.

Any you know what I am done telling him! He is 42! I have gone from being his sister to his mother and I already have two children of my own.

Sounds so awful, but sometimes I wish it was just Mum & me, and I didn't have to work.
I guarantee Mums quality of life would be so much better.
 
Last edited:

dede5177

Registered User
Feb 5, 2015
22
Nuneaton
Are truly my Dad and my brother!

My Dad has cognitive impairment ( but supposedly doesn't have dementia) His memory is reasonably good.
Everything I suggest, do or say , Dad does the opposite, or resists any changes to make things easier for Mum.
This is a constant battle between deciding is it his cognitive impairment or is he just being bloody minded.
Example. It is our summer here, and Mum cannot cope with the heat. I bought them a new fan, which is better and quieter than their old one. i come home from work to find Mum on the point of exhaustion ( who knows if she has had enough to drink). Curtains closed, doors closed and no fan on. She tells me Dad turned it off.
Dad says it will use up all the electricity.
" What would you do Dad if Mum collapsed with this heat" ....No answer! Shrugs his shoulders.
They have a St John alarm system. Dad tells me he didn't think it worked anymore because Mum won't wear her pendant alarm. They have a main alarm unit also right by their TV with a big red emergency button!!


My brother who is having relationship problems and is temporarily staying at Mum & Dads and who admits that in over 2 years he has not looked up any info about Alzheimers let alone ring the Alz Society is literally doing my head in.

Out of 3 bedrooms, he has taken possession of two of them, with all his clutter and mess. Of course you cannot tell Mum not to go in either room... She just will.
One day, she will go in and trip over and fall badly. He says well, she will just have to stay out!
I have told him to clean them up, and he has until this weekend.

He leaves his laptop, keys, and wallet on the dining table. I have told him before to remove them, in case Mum tidies them away.
One day when he was out, Mum was at the dining table eating, and knocked a glass of water over. Inches within his laptop.

Any you know what I am done telling him! He is 42! I have gone from being his sister to his mother and I already have two children of my own.

Sounds so awful, but sometimes I wish it was just Mum & me, and I didn't have to work.
I guarantee Mums quality of life would be so much better.
Sorry life is so frustrating when my mom was first diagnosed we still enjoyed outings to town shopping the garden centre, walking the dogs or just a walk in the park perhaps your mom would benefit from mother daughter alone time let the boys get on with the house, even a trip to the pictures was possible a few months ago.
 

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
Radcliffe on Trent
I'd cross one worry off my list now....and that is worrying about your brother's laptop, keys or anything else he leaves lying around. You've pointed out the risk. If one of his possessions gets lost or damaged, he'll have to deal with it himself.

You have more then enough to deal with already, it's time for him to grow up.
 

ASH74

Registered User
May 18, 2014
294
I have a fellow feeling my FIL with dementia would actually be quite easy to care for ......my MIL puts obstacles in the way!

We had to get her out of the house to have FIL's emergency call system fitted. When FIL has tripped and fallen on her stuff (she is a hoarder) she has accused him of being clumsy and damaging her stuff. She won't let a home help in for him. She turns the heating off because it is a waste of money (FIL has really suffered from the cold with his ALZ diagnosis).

It is all about her (FIL has run round after her all their married life) and she is extremely jealous that FIL is getting our attention.

We have now got the point where we just do what needs to be done to keep FIL safe .....I am not fighting or discussing anymore .....just doing!

I know the frustration you feel, I spent so long negotiating, discussing, explaining which got me nowhere ......we have also used little white lies with MIL, social services says this has to happen, the doctor says that had to happen ....deflecting the blame from us ....it is terrible ...it feels very wrong but I have found honesty isn't the best policy.

All the best.


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