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My auntie is making things difficult


Registered User
Jul 2, 2015
Heya I'm new and this is my first post but any advice would be very appreciated.
Me and my girlfriend are the main careers for grandma (Betty) who is 86yrs old. She has Alzheimer's and has done for the last four years but things are just starting to get to the point where she can't look after herself.
In not really sure where I stand but my mum passed away 6 years ago and my grandma has another daughter who lives 100miles away and visits once every three weeks but tells me the decisions lies with her. She often comes down and tries to change things or suggests we do thing differently when we know grandma much better than she does and her everyday activities. (We spend a good fees days when she is gone putting things back to how grandma understands)
We both have joint power of attorney (me and my auntie) and I between me and my girlfriend we see grandma 6 times a week (we live about a ten minute drive away) bathing her making sure she has a hot meal everyday etc.
We also have someone come in and cook twice a week to take the pressure off a bit. And a neighbour who lives opposite who is brilliant and pops in and checks on grandma daily.
Grandma is at the stage where daily tasks are becoming difficult (she doesn't cook any more and struggles to remember to change her clothes brush her hair) we have also had he wonder out in the night in her pj's once but we think this was down to a UTI. She also said the other morning she got up in the night as she heard banging all around the house and is generally getting more confused.
Recently I have put it to my auntie that we move in to my grandmas to help care for her. (I have my own house but could leave it empty) We both work full time I work shifts and my partner works Monday to Friday 9-5! The problem I'm having is my auntie she won't allow this and is saying she wants to take her in a home near her (that's her preference) or in a home full stop. At the moment she still get on the bus with a friend 1/2 a week , goes to her local club twice a week supported by another friend, plays scrabble on a Sunday and is generally very social.
My grandma doesn't have a social worker at the moment but was wondering where I go to get advice. I don't thing a home would be right for her due to her independence but know she needs more than she is getting now.

I just wants best for grandma and am finding my auntie the biggest obstacle does she have all of the say as I don't think what she is suggesting is right?

Any advice would be great


Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
Wow you two are doing a great job in very difficult circumstances.
It certainly sounds as though grandma would be much better cared for if you lived there. Others will be able to advise better on the position regarding PoA. I'm not sure your Auntie can stop you if your Grandma would like you to be there with her. Anyway here are a few bits and pieces which might help

I would get social services involved asap. Write down everything that you do for her as well just in case there is a battle.

You can phone Social Services Adult Care Duty Desk and ask for an assessment services like carers visiting to help with the daily routine/personal care or day care that should be an option - a day centre where they have lunch and activities. As well as our social services centre we also have Crossroads Day Centre where people can go for up to 3 days . A day centre is a good idea as it keeps her safe and helps with social interaction and keeping her mind busy. They will also help with personal care.

Some care homes also do 'day care' which can be useful but I would try the day centres first through the Social Worker

This leaflet on compassionate communication is very useful - I found it very hard to master but I stuck it on my fridge to remind me every day and it really does work

Do have a look at it

You can also ask for a carers assessment - this will give you a break and give you some 'free' hours of help possibly.

If you are not already getting it do apply for Attendance Allowance - the forms are a bit tricky in that you have to imagine the worst possible day and write down the help that is needed (not the help that they get at the moment but what would be ideal for what they NEED). Attendance Allowance is not means tested and you should get it, if you need some help with the forms come back and ask Age UK are really good at helping with assessing what benefits you can claim and then they also help you fill in the forms - someone will come to your house. Age UK are also very good at practical advice and help - Age UK Advice line free national advice line that is open 365 days a year. To talk to someone, just call 0800 169 2081. This is urgent because there are moves to stop Attendance Allowance for new claimants so give Age UK a ring and get their help.

I would strongly advise you to join your local carers organisation - they usually have a carers cafe (and so do Alzheimers society in some areas) and it is worth a morning to go and find out what help there is in your area over a cup of coffee - lots of friendship and support face to face and everyone in the same boat.

If there are issues with incontinence all areas have a continence service - you will need to look up your Trust or google your area plus Continence Service. The continence nurses we have had have been wonderful and pads are supplied free by the NHS.

The Dementia helpline is a useful number to have

Alzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0300 222 1122 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.

The Helpline is usually open from:
9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday
9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday
10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday

Well done, keep posting, there's lots of support on here


Registered User
May 21, 2014
Hi and welcome to TP.

A couple of questions first please, if I may. Do you hold health as well as financial LPA and do you hold it jointly or jointly and severally? How do you usually get on with your aunt - do you think she wants what's best for you and her Mum or do you think she's just interfering? Because believe me, looking after someone 24/7 is hard, especially while you are working full-time. Your grandma's financial situation is also important, because if she isn't classed self-funding then social services would have to agree on funding a care home, and they are reluctant to do that as it's expensive.

If you want to make this happen, and I understand your grandma is still active and social, I would suggest you have both a needs and a carers assessment undertaken by social services to see what support might be available for what cost. She could for example go to a day centre where she would both receive social interaction and a hot meal, thus taking some of the care pressure of you and giving her something to do in a safe environment.


Registered User
Jul 2, 2015
Heya thanx

I do already get the attendance allowance and Grandma doesn't pay council tax any more so we have got on top of that. The inconstancy is an issue so I think I'll look into the assessment as I'm buying tena lady in bulk at the moment. (Oh the joys)
I think the diary will start today too as my auntie really doesn't know what we do every day.
The trouble with living with grandma is she allows us to stay two nights a week but says she doesn't want us there full time but also doesn't want to go into a home. Basically she wants to stay as she is but can't really and struggles to understand why.
I just feel like I'm having such a battle with my auntie about it all but she isn't willing to have her live with her so I don't know why ?

Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point


Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
Definitely give the continence service a ring - our nurses were great, they might ask you to keep a diary but just tell them that you've only just found out about the service and you've been buying privately for months and please could you have an urgent assessment. It must be costing you a lot of money! Again, you are doing a really great job. perhaps there is someone else, a friend of grandma's, or someone else close who would sit down with all of you and talk it through?
A day centre now might be very useful as things progress even if it is only a couple of times a week