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My 92yr old father has become addicted to on-line porn - advice on how to deal

Lindy987

New member
Dec 4, 2021
7
0
My father is 92yrs and Mum had to go into nursing care earlier in the year as her Parkinson’s has now reached its latter stages. They have been married 68 years, and it’s obviously a huge wrench for both.
I have noticed recently the house doors are permanently locked, and Dads behaviour has changed. He seems distracted and just asks constantly when we will be leaving. Between us all, the family pop in daily, make sure he has supplies and help keep the house / garden clean and tidy etc..He has been diagnosed with mild vascular dementia, but, seems to be coping ok day to day on the surface.
Last week I called and as usual the back door was locked, I rang the bell but on getting no answer and fearing the worst, let myself in.
Dad appeared flustered on my appearing and cutting a long story short had been on an old laptop I didn’t even know he had, with no internet security, watching porn sites and in communication with a lady called ‘Amanda’ asking for money/subscription etc which he was paying and had supplied all his personal details, address etc. to her.
I managed to put security on, cleaned up the laptop, called the bank, got refunds on payments he had made not yet gone through (£1,000’s) . We are going to open an account with a couple £100 so he has some money & card to spend, as opposed £1,000’s. I do have a POA.
A day or so later, I find he is now watching porn on his iPad & Sky TV also, constantly, morning until night. His monthly sky payments were through the roof, getting consistently more since July. I’ve taken possession of his bank cards, changed pin / parental access on Sky, but he’s now hides his iPad !!
He is watching porn on it when I’m in the next room, even on one occasion when the grandchildren were visiting, (they didn’t see anything and have now stopped visiting) When I ask for his iPad, he becomes aggressive and will not let it out of his possession
I’m just lost as to what to do next, how can I help, can medication help if I take him to the doctor.
He can look after himself at home otherwise, keep himself clean, prepare a meal for himself etc- it’s just this addiction to porn. He has lost interest in everything else, gardening, mainstream tv, family, friends, not bothering to go visit Mum, just wants us to leave when we visit, so he can continue watching porn constantly on his iPad.
I’m juggling this and trying to look after my 26yr old daughter currently going through Breast Cancer treatment, so can’t be with him 24/7.
Am at a total loss and any help or advice would be very much appreciated- thank you in advance xx
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,174
0
Hi @Lindy987 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I'm glad you've found us as this is a very supportive community and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
It sounds that you have done the main things that are needed to protect his money. Is it possible to change settings on the ipad remotely? I'm not very techy but if it's it is connected to his computer I wonder if that is possible.
As for the behaviour, I know others here have faced similar problems and I'm sure they'll be along with their input shortly. My mother also has vascular dementia, and in her case it caused her to start seeking out male company. The main reason I moved her into care was her going down the pub and drinking random men, at least one of whom she bought home. In the care home she had a sexual relationship with a much younger resident (mum is in her nineties) much to his wife's distress. In the end mum moved floors to one with a male carer who could flatter her without getting sexually involved. Now things have moved on and although her eyes still light up at the sight of a man she is beyond acting on any impulses she may have.
It sounds as though your daughter should be your priority. Is there any other family member that can keep an eye on him?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,748
0
South coast
I had this problem with OH (he also persuaded the GP to prescribe viagra:eek:)
I put the parental controls on the wifi rather than his android, so that any device that was connected to the wifi would be protected. I blocked adult sites and adverts, pharmaceutical sites and sites that sold drugs and also gambling sites for good measure. I first changed the password and changed the email address to me, so that he didnt know that I had done this. and when he said that he couldnt get on some sites I just shrugged and blamed an upgrade.

I would also recommend that you monitor his emails as I discovered that porn sites and scams were sending him emails - he too was getting emails from people claiming to be women who wanted to be his girlfriend. If you know his password you can do this on your own device, which is what I did and deleted all the scam and porn stuff as soon as it arrived.
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
93
0
Lincolnshire
Is it possible to change his Sky package to either not allow ‘adult’ channels or at least restrict time/money he can spend on Sky each month? No ideas about the on line stuff. Very worrying and awkward, but try not to let it distract you from your daughter, she needs your support more- sending her goodwill, have been there, not nice, but 4 years on I am well and have lovely nearly black hair (I am 66!). Hugs.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,056
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Lindy987 welcome from me too.

We had similar problems with my dad (mixed Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia) shortly after his diagnosis, although in his case it turned out to be caused by a change in medication (higher dose of Donepezil). But this was given for Alzheimer’s so your dad shouldn’t be on it.

We had 6 months of him chasing carers and cleaning ladies and pinning them in corners in his bungalow, he even went for his own granddaughter!! It was an awful time. I had to take over looking after him all by myself (fortunately he only went for dark haired ladies and I’m blonde). My brother thought it was a joke and refused to believe we weren’t exaggerating - so absolutely no help from him.

It was this behaviour which brought me to Talking Point and, although it could be down to the dementia, someone suggested I check for any changes in medication at around the time the behaviour started. Fortunately reducing dad’s Donepezil stopped the behaviour completely within a week.

Ask for an urgent referral back to his dementia specialist as this sort of behaviour sounds as though it’s going to lead to self-neglect and make it difficult for family to attend to his needs. Hopefully something can be done to curb his obsession.

I agree with @Sarasa that your daughter should be your priority.
 

Bun

Registered User
Oct 2, 2021
57
0
My husband first went into care, became attached to another lady. I was given no reassurance, I found the situation very stressful. He said to me, he didn't want to hurt anyone, I asked what his feelings were for this lady, he said he liked her very very much and I should drop out. There were a couple of incedints, but I will never know the truth. Home doesn't communicate.
 

Lindy987

New member
Dec 4, 2021
7
0
Hi @Lindy987 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I'm glad you've found us as this is a very supportive community and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
It sounds that you have done the main things that are needed to protect his money. Is it possible to change settings on the ipad remotely? I'm not very techy but if it's it is connected to his computer I wonder if that is possible.
As for the behaviour, I know others here have faced similar problems and I'm sure they'll be along with their input shortly. My mother also has vascular dementia, and in her case it caused her to start seeking out male company. The main reason I moved her into care was her going down the pub and drinking random men, at least one of whom she bought home. In the care home she had a sexual relationship with a much younger resident (mum is in her nineties) much to his wife's distress. In the end mum moved floors to one with a male carer who could flatter her without getting sexually involved. Now things have moved on and although her eyes still light up at the sight of a man she is beyond acting on any impulses she may have.
It sounds as though your daughter should be your priority. Is there any other family member that can keep an eye on him?
I’m not the only one then …I have a brother but he’s too busy with work ! But it really helps hearing others similar experiences- thank you so much for your reply and I wish you all the best xx
 

Lindy987

New member
Dec 4, 2021
7
0
I had this problem with OH (he also persuaded the GP to prescribe viagra:eek:)
I put the parental controls on the wifi rather than his android, so that any device that was connected to the wifi would be protected. I blocked adult sites and adverts, pharmaceutical sites and sites that sold drugs and also gambling sites for good measure. I first changed the password and changed the email address to me, so that he didnt know that I had done this. and when he said that he couldnt get on some sites I just shrugged and blamed an upgrade.

I would also recommend that you monitor his emails as I discovered that porn sites and scams were sending him emails - he too was getting emails from people claiming to be women who wanted to be his girlfriend. If you know his password you can do this on your own device, which is what I did and deleted all the scam and porn stuff as soon as it arrived.
Thankyou xx I will definitely do as you suggest xxxx
 

Lindy987

New member
Dec 4, 2021
7
0
Is it possible to change his Sky package to either not allow ‘adult’ channels or at least restrict time/money he can spend on Sky each month? No ideas about the on line stuff. Very worrying and awkward, but try not to let it distract you from your daughter, she needs your support more- sending her goodwill, have been there, not nice, but 4 years on I am well and have lovely nearly black hair (I am 66!). Hugs.
I have tried calling Sky but they need to speak with Dad direct for security reasons! I’ve googled how to put the parental controls on and also how to change the PIN number so he can’t pay for the extras …
Great to hear you are the other side of treatment , daughter still only on 2/6 chemo, so a way to go yet. But it’s always lovely to hear positive news xxx
 

Lindy987

New member
Dec 4, 2021
7
0
Hi @Lindy987 welcome from me too.

We had similar problems with my dad (mixed Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia) shortly after his diagnosis, although in his case it turned out to be caused by a change in medication (higher dose of Donepezil). But this was given for Alzheimer’s so your dad shouldn’t be on it.

We had 6 months of him chasing carers and cleaning ladies and pinning them in corners in his bungalow, he even went for his own granddaughter!! It was an awful time. I had to take over looking after him all by myself (fortunately he only went for dark haired ladies and I’m blonde). My brother thought it was a joke and refused to believe we weren’t exaggerating - so absolutely no help from him.

It was this behaviour which brought me to Talking Point and, although it could be down to the dementia, someone suggested I check for any changes in medication at around the time the behaviour started. Fortunately reducing dad’s Donepezil stopped the behaviour completely within a week.

Ask for an urgent referral back to his dementia specialist as this sort of behaviour sounds as though it’s going to lead to self-neglect and make it difficult for family to attend to his needs. Hopefully something can be done to curb his obsession.

I agree with @Sarasa that your daughter should be your priority.
Thank you xx Dad isn’t on medication atm, but I think an urgent referral back is definitely required . You have been though a time of it also, but good to hear the positive outcome xx
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,056
0
Nottinghamshire
Yes @Lindy987 it was horrible. Made normal family life impossible. I had to be very determined with dad’s GP to get him to refer dad back to he mental health team and then the consultant didn’t believe the Donepezil was causing problems so sent us away with a prescription for a low dose of sodium valproate to calm dad down. It didn’t help that dad couldn’t remember doing any of those things!

A few hours later I got a phone call from the consultant saying he’d looked into it and decided that reducing the Donepezil was a good idea…

Dad took the sodium valproate for a month but his prescription was never renewed and he was fine without it.

Hopefully your dad can be given something to calm the obsession. Do let us know what happens.
 

Lindy987

New member
Dec 4, 2021
7
0
Yes @Lindy987 it was horrible. Made normal family life impossible. I had to be very determined with dad’s GP to get him to refer dad back to he mental health team and then the consultant didn’t believe the Donepezil was causing problems so sent us away with a prescription for a low dose of sodium valproate to calm dad down. It didn’t help that dad couldn’t remember doing any of those things!

A few hours later I got a phone call from the consultant saying he’d looked into it and decided that reducing the Donepezil was a good idea…

Dad took the sodium valproate for a month but his prescription was never renewed and he was fine without it.

Hopefully your dad can be given something to calm the obsession. Do let us know what happens.
Big hugs and thank you so much for message. So glad you got it all sorted out.
My Dad isn’t on any medication as at the last consultation, he was told that no medication could treat his vascular dementia.
But I’m now wondering if he has developed a different type as I’ve tracked back to July when things started to change . Consequently I’m going to ask for a GP appt on his behalf. Fortunately he has given consent in the past for the Doctors to speak directly with myself.
It’s such a difficult time, and the realisation that the Dad I’ve known all my life, isn’t really Dad anymore is just so sad.
But I’ll do my best to deal with it all…
Once again, thank you 💞
 

Knitandpurl

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
93
0
Lincolnshire
I have tried calling Sky but they need to speak with Dad direct for security reasons! I’ve googled how to put the parental controls on and also how to change the PIN number so he can’t pay for the extras …
Great to hear you are the other side of treatment , daughter still only on 2/6 chemo, so a way to go yet. But it’s always lovely to hear positive news xxx
Feels like a lifetime when you’re in it, but then it’s suddenly over. I think it must be especially hard when you’re younger. There is a lovely on line support group called ‘chemo chick’ , she might like. Lots of useful tips on make up, nails, tying scarves, things to help her feel better.
 

Lindy987

New member
Dec 4, 2021
7
0
Feels like a lifetime when you’re in it, but then it’s suddenly over. I think it must be especially hard when you’re younger. There is a lovely on line support group called ‘chemo chick’ , she might like. Lots of useful tips on make up, nails, tying scarves, things to help her feel better.
Thank you 💞 I will definitely pass on this info. She has been through mastectomy & IVF already, now chemo then radiotherapy- such a lot at such a young age. But thank you for your help, and wishing you all the very best too 💕