My 89 year old mum diagnosed with mixed dementia and refusing any help

[jannie54]

Hi Everyone

My 89 year old Mum has been diagnosed with mixed dementia..and doesn't understand or believe anything is wrong..she feels all the doctors do not know her and that myself, my sister and my brother are being horrible..
she refused to have a CT scan and take any medication
The social services have phoned to arrange a care assessment and she just puts the phone down on them saying she doesn't need any help and the district nurse came around to do a bladder scan because incontinent and she refused to let them in.

She lives with her partner who is 90 years old and their health and welfare is a worrying issue..she will not accept any help from us and refuses a care assessment..she believes she is doing everything in the home but she is doing nothing..the place is very dirty, the laundry is piling up, they are both losing weight because not eating properly..she is incontinent, but forgetting to wear pads, not changing her clothes or washing herself..it's horrible to say but she smells and so does the home..we have tried every way possible to help her but she screams at us to get out and at present will not even talk to us because we tried to explain she definitely needs assistance..her partner tries to tell her we are right, that they both need care and assistance but she just threatens him that he will have to pack his bags and leave if he agrees with us rather than her..it is very tough on him at 90 years old and very frustrating and worrying for us.

I just need as much help and advice as possible, because I do not know which way to turn

 

[Bod]

I fear you only have 2 choices now.
Go in and do what has to be done, regardless of her reaction.
Or step back and allow social services to deal with the situation.

As for the 90 year old partner, would they be better off in care?

Good luck

Bod

 

[canary]

Hi Jannie and welcome to TP

As you have seen on other threads this is a really common problem and it is very difficult to do anything.
Mum has never acknowledged/remembered/understood that she has dementia and didnt go to any appointments. She also told SS that she did all her own shopping, washing, cooking and cleaning and wouldnt accept any help. Not only was she not doing any of this, but she was not washing, changing her clothes or even eating or drinking. She was also going out at night dressed only in her nighty, getting lost and knocking on neighbours doors in the wee small hours

Eventually there was the inevitable crisis. She had a TIA and was taken to hospital where she was discovered to be very underweight and severely dehydrated. From the hospital she went into a care home and has been there ever since.

Unfortunately, it so often needs a crisis before anything happens.

 

[roni]

I know what you are going through and it's heartbreaking . Firstly I would say keep badgering SS to visit your mum, tell them not to agree it in advance just plan a day or time you can meet them there and let them in if necessary. Get the doctor to do a home visit at least then they can record weight etc and will get the mental health nurses involved if necessary. Tell SS that you are holding them responsible for their care and if they do not go round you will take the matter to your mp. Don't take no for an answer you are already stronger than you know just hold out a little longer with the fight for help.

 

[Kevinl]

Phone the SS and tell them the situation them tell them your immigration papers have come through and you're off for a new life in Australia next week Not a serious suggestion but I'd love to do it. Ultimately if some one refuses help it's very difficult to make them take it. If you do a search on here with the word "denial" you can see what some people are up against. My wife has always been in denial but for me it isn't an issue as I'm here 24/7 but she has never accepted there's anything wrong with her.
Remember in her mind her reality is that there's nothing wrong with her, but she can't see reality the same way the rest of us do. So sad.
K