My 68 year old Mum has Alzheimers lives on her own and is in denial!!

Fletch

Registered User
Apr 7, 2015
6
Hi I'm looking for any advice on how to convince my Mum to accept help from the carer who comes in the morning. She refuses to go out for walks or to cafes and the most stressful thing for us is seeing her in the same clothes every day, they are dirty and she does not shower or wash her hair, and when you question her about it she lies and says she just had a shower!!
I try so hard to get her to change clothes or wash but she just says I will do it later
It's getting so frustrating
Today I pretended she had spilt something on her top and got new top out drawer to change but she just refused saying would do it later!!
How do I get her to accept help from myself or carers!!
 

BR_ANA

Registered User
Jun 27, 2012
1,082
Brazil
There is a great post about it
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=413710

When my mom was on this stage, a career told mom that she would loose her job if she didn't help her. And this career became a mom's best friend ( I was the punchbag ).

About changing clothes, a fall on a pool or a garden hose (and a 'sorry') helped sometimes ( I was always a punchbag).
 

henfenywfach

Registered User
May 23, 2013
332
rct
Hi I'm looking for any advice on how to convince my Mum to accept help from the carer who comes in the morning. She refuses to go out for walks or to cafes and the most stressful thing for us is seeing her in the same clothes every day, they are dirty and she does not shower or wash her hair, and when you question her about it she lies and says she just had a shower!!
I try so hard to get her to change clothes or wash but she just says I will do it later
It's getting so frustrating
Today I pretended she had spilt something on her top and got new top out drawer to change but she just refused saying would do it later!!
How do I get her to accept help from myself or carers!!
Hi fletch!
Im my dads carer he has dementia.
The one thing we all need to remind ourselves is that as the disease rock the brain which is control centre of everything we do..like dressing talking remembering walking logic how and when we do them is affected..some people might have forgot how to dress..or dont recall the clothes..everything we do has an emotional side to it..so look at what shes doing or how shes feeling before or in the morning or about her clothes or wardrobe..
Can she remember the bathroom?..what her flannel is?.
Make it an activity take her to buy a new top..just look deeper into her experience in her past with washing or clothes..is her memory in a different era?..did her mum dress her..whats her emotional attachment to clothes?..
It is so difficult..the dementia friends sessions are so valuable they open your eyes to how a person with dementia lives.
Best wishes

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
 

Fletch

Registered User
Apr 7, 2015
6
Thanks that is a great post about do's and don'ts I have copied it to my sisters page, and appreciate the advice I will try saying the carers on trial and needs to give wash/shower you or may loose her job and see how it goes, as for buying her new tops and trousers did this even laid stuff out but never worked!
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
I could never get my mother to have a shower - she would always say she didn't need one or she couldn't be bothered - usually the latter. However my sister, who lived much further away and visited far less often was able to be much tougher with her - she simply wouldn't take no for an answer. It was a case of, 'Come on - you NEED a shower - you smell!' (She did). There would be tears and tantrums but like everything else, they would be very soon forgotten.
I visited far more often and don't mind admitting I couldn't face the aggro. My mother had never been the easiest person anyway - always hyper-quick to take offence and/or get tearful/upset.

I know it's all very easy in hindsight, but I often think I should have been a bit tougher - I used to tiptoe around her on eggshells.
 

Flake

Registered User
Mar 9, 2015
222
I have this problem with my Mum. She has new clothes but they are still in the bags with labels on. I buy her new underwear, these are now in a bag as they belong to her neighbour. Ive bought new towels, found them hidden in the spare room dressing table. Everything I have bought her has not been used but hidden away. She wears the same clothes every day. I found one pair of quite dirty trousers but of course they were not hers. I threw them out. I am now going to try and get her to change her top with ' its a nice sunny day, why not wear a nice bright sunny blouse?' I have managed to get a home hairdresser but my Mum does not think she heeds her hair washed again, and so it goes on. Trying to keep one step ahead is sometimes a chore in itself :(
 

Fletch

Registered User
Apr 7, 2015
6
Last night my sisters were trying to encourage her to have a shower she agreed one moment then changed her mind!!! I then turned up and said I wasn't leaving until she had one my sisters went home then after 2 and a half hours I gave up it was excuse after excuse I almost fell out with her and left her house feeling frustrated and angry
But one positive she changed her top and trousers as I said her washing machine was broken and took a bag home to do so needed her stuff she was wearing!
Little steps x:confused:
 

Essie

Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
563
Last night my sisters were trying to encourage her to have a shower she agreed one moment then changed her mind!!! I then turned up and said I wasn't leaving until she had one my sisters went home then after 2 and a half hours I gave up it was excuse after excuse I almost fell out with her and left her house feeling frustrated and angry
But one positive she changed her top and trousers as I said her washing machine was broken and took a bag home to do so needed her stuff she was wearing!
Little steps x:confused:
Well done even for that small step Fletch! :)
 

Flake

Registered User
Mar 9, 2015
222
Well today I tried the 'sunny day, new sunny top' and got told this blouse is fine. I said it is a nice one but you have had that on for some time now. Oh yes she said, but I have washed it in between wearing! I know she hasnt but what can I say! Oh well tomorrow is another day and I will try a different tactic - broken washing machine sounds a good try!
 

Suzanna1969

Registered User
Mar 28, 2015
346
Essex
Well today I tried the 'sunny day, new sunny top' and got told this blouse is fine. I said it is a nice one but you have had that on for some time now. Oh yes she said, but I have washed it in between wearing! I know she hasnt but what can I say! Oh well tomorrow is another day and I will try a different tactic - broken washing machine sounds a good try!
I'd be wary of that. My Mum thought the washing machine actually was broken because it had stopped (it was just in mid cycle) and got REALLY upset, inconsolable sobbing ensued for the next few hours. But everyone is different of course. Just be prepared to get a reaction you might not expect or want. :(
 

Flake

Registered User
Mar 9, 2015
222
Thanks Suzanna. I did not think of that. Perhaps I will just get a clean one out and say how nice it is etc etc. :)
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
The only way I could ever get stubborn-as-a-mule FIL to change his clothes was to watch like a hawk for when he went to the loo first thing, charge in and swap the lot - at least he did still change into pyjamas at night. Had to have it all ready to go.
He never noticed, but then he would never have noticed much about clothes anyway, one shirt/jumper/pair of trs being much the same as another.
Maybe it's a bit easier with blokes for that reason?

As for having a bath, he would sometimes do it for OH - never for me - and OH used to be away an awful lot, for e.g. 3 weeks at a time.