1. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,984
    Cotswolds
    My grandpa used to say this, and I should be trying to remember. Lately I've been going through a difficult time coping mostly alone with husband deteriorating and stubbornly refusing outside help to relieve me. Didn't realise I'd been bombarding a couple of friends with tales of my frustrations. Typing them out seems to help me, but of course it must irritate people...

    Had a couple of sharp reminders this week....two more or less said 'stop grumbling and give him the sedatives'. Another said sorry, I know you want sympathy but I cant cope with your emails as I have enough on my plate. She's been kind and helpful, and I've listened and sympathised with her whenever she was troubled, but now I realise no one likes a self pity fest!

    Feeling a bit weepy to be honest, but it is a horrid realisation that people really don't want a misery around!

    It's not as though there haven't been warnings on TP...I just forgot! So now I have a new year resolution....
     
  2. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    2,108
    hertfordshire
    Well, I don't see why you shouldn't grumble, any good friend would be there for you grumpy or however you may be feeling. You have been dealt a poor hand along with a lot of people on here, we can't always keep a stiff upper lip and get on with it as we are only human. If ever you feel you need to grumble, do it on here, or pm me, I won't judge you when all you need is someone to listen or lend a sympathetic ear. Hope you have someone close to offload to, we all need someone, take care xx

    Ange
     
  3. Benrese

    Benrese Registered User

    Apr 12, 2014
    185
    Lancashire
    Oh my, ouch!! I'm afraid I would have deeply winced by that email from your friend. :(

    Sure, I can understand there are times when we need some tough love and to help us get focused on action, rather than reaction. But I can't understand such a sharp reply! Oh dear. I suppose she must be overwhelmed with her own world, but still.

    Sending you a hug and want you to know that only those who go through this can really understand the despair we often swim in.

    Sure, yes-it's a great idea to focus on what can be fixed or change.Accept help if available. And start considering those that you have no control over, maybe you loosen your grip on those.

    But please know that you could never be a burden. You are living with burden and doing very well. x
     
  4. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    So come on here whenever you need to grumble or if you feel miserable, you know how much it helps us all that we can say whatever we need to and there will always be people wanting to read and understand.

    Perhaps you can make the time and e-mails with those two friends a little respite corner where you try to leave dementia behind? If they aren't in the same boat then they can't really understand all the conflicting emotions you feel while trying to cope and work out what is best to do.

    Take care and I hope you do keep up communication with your friends - real friends are so precious.
     
  5. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,498
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I agree with Gigglemore.
    Just come on TP and let it out!
    We'll understand.
    I think that was very harsh of your friend. We all have bad days and I would have felt very hurt. Does she have any idea just what it's like living with an OH with dementia? x
     
  6. Cloverland

    Cloverland Registered User

    Jun 9, 2014
    244
    'A friend in need is a friend indeed' › a friend who helps you when you really need help is a true friend. You helped her so sad when 'friends' forget.
     
  7. Jenf

    Jenf Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    2
    i was feel writing is best, people can read it, but not have to listen to you at times which may not be convenient for them. It can be hard for people to have to try to help others when their own lives may be hectic, so writing is the best form, for me. Plus, i think it helps me to rationalise my thoughts. As a woman, sometimes we can get a little irrational and caught up whoch only spirals our thoughts more. By writing, we can bullet point our issues and i believe, find an answer or helping solution to each.
     
  8. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,984
    Cotswolds
    Thankyou TP...

    Thankyou everyone , for all your understanding answers. We can always rely on the understanding and kindness on here.

    After a bit of mulling it over, I think my blunt friend is to be pitied, and she still needs my support over her preoccupations, some of which seem pretty mild compared to what Dementia throws at people. But she can't know that.......thank heavens.
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,863
    Kent
    Fair weather friends Anne, takers rather than givers. A happy medium is preferred.
     
  10. PalSal

    PalSal Registered User

    Wow. Guess you will just have to write to us. Sadly, people have no idea what is happening for us. But I think you might consider distancing from these "friends" as someone said they sound like takers.


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  11. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    5,984
    Cotswolds
    That's a good idea Gigglemore.. we cant expect anyone to be perfect in every way.... Of course we wish they were, but should just be grateful for their good points. ( gosh, that looks so sanctimonious..:D)
     
  12. Sweet

    Sweet Registered User

    Jun 16, 2014
    72
    I think there's outside world and dementia world... You're in one or the other.. People in dementia world recognise the same emotions in each other.

    I wouldnt have realised how writing things down could help so much. I never think anyone here is self pitying, it's an outlet for feelings.
    Sweet x
     
  13. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,736
    North East Lincs
    Yes Sweet I agree with you about the two worlds. I have to smile when those in the outside world say I let my emotions affect my moods. If they were on duty 24/7 they might have a greater understanding and show a little more compassion: without emotion of course!
     
  14. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    331
    Ontario canada
    Thank goodness for TP...
     
  15. saucepan

    saucepan Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    40
    Hi Rageddy Anne

    You have my sympathy, I can't imaging trying to cope with care for your husband on your own, apart from the exhaustion of the practical tast, the emotional fall out is huge. Getting in extra care to help you has got to be a priority before you become ill. Suggestions I have read on here have been to try and introduce someone that is 'a friend of a friend' who is going to help you with some cleaning, or something, as an excuse to get someone into the house, which can then develop into more of a help with care situation?

    I can totally relate to the weepy bit, I am crying a lot at the moment, it is such a cruel disease. Talking to various friends of mine, I find some totally get it and others don't have a clue, the latter have made me very angry with some of their comments so I don't talk to them about it at all. I have really tried to limit myself from talking about it too much to the friends that understand because I don't want to burden them, and they are not trained councellors or anything. We all have our problems at times and wheather we think others have big or small problems, they are all relative to what each individual is going through at the time so I don't think we can judge. I hope you can keep up your friendships and maybe go out and have a good time together, as a bit of medicine to help deal with this hardship.

    This is a brilliant facility for us all to share and get support. And I also find a good scream/shout rant at the top of my voice helps me. I do it when I am driving on my own with the radio on and windows up.
    Big hugs.
     

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