1. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    808
    Female
    cornwall
    Yes we do.But I did laugh at the fatty stuff but in your narrative. Dad is diabetic but I give him chocolate.Just not too much..But at 86 I figure the damage is already done.Im just trying to keep him on an even keel.
     
  2. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    128
    It’s so true isn’t it, we do so much to keep them safe,healthy and Stress free like today all there was for tea was some leftover shepherds pie from last night but only enough for one and of course he got it and I had a sandwich, even though he’s been really nasty to me today,
    I know he’s stressed about the dog because we had to go back to the vets for more antibiotics today, he loves the dog, never nasty to her, all I hear him say to her is what a good girl she is, and come and look at Rosy when all she’s doing is lying asleep in her basket! So today I was so fed up of being told I could leave and biting my tongue, I thought I’d try Roseleigh’s tactic of being firmer with him and I said very firmly OK I’ll go then and you can look after yourself, and it worked! he suddenly went all meek & mild and actually asked me if there was anything HE could do for ME:eek:
    Hmmm Where do I start!
    Love the quote “Divorce never,Murder frequently”:);) xx
     
  3. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    808
    Female
    cornwall
    I did that to dad. I got so fed up with him moaning at me about this and that.I told him if he could do it with the help of his carers I would go..He shut up as he knew I meant it... Sometimes with dad I just tell him straight.He is not so far gone that he doesn’t understand what I mean...
     
  4. Vitesse

    Vitesse Registered User

    Oct 26, 2016
    61
    Your situation is very similar to mine, and I am struggling to cope with it. I’m afraid the tactic of firmness doesn’t work here, but there have been the odd times when I have got so upset that he has realised something is wrong, and been very nice and caring. It doesn’t last, I’m afraid and back we go to the old ways. In fact if I am firm, he just gets more aggressive in response. The added complication here is that he believes his wife has disappeared, and I have slotted into her place. His wife used to shout a lot, he says, and I am much nicer. (We have been together for nearly 40 years). I don’t want to spoil the illusion for him and make life even more difficult for me, so I try to be ‘nice’ if I can.
     
  5. PalSal

    PalSal Registered User

    When I got leukemia the second time in 2018, I was at my wits end when the daycare which I had waited 3 months for him to go too, refused to take him back again after 1.5 hours. I got very firm with him and a bit threatening (which I am sure is not advised for care of demented.) I said either you go and try this daycare thing and help me to care for you or its over and you will have to go live somewhere else. I found another daycare and he has been going there ever since. Started with one day moving up to three days a week. I got very serious that I could not go on the way we were going I did not have the strength, energy or the desire.
    I am now in remission again and have kept the daycare days. Care changes over the years....needs reevaluating. And I do not regret getting tough with him, about where we had gotten too.....something changed and he is now willing to go. Letting our partners know are limits to our ability to care for them has worked for me.....it resonated with him somewhere in his being.
     
  6. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    128
     
  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,971
    your POST made me smile , I have often thought the same!!
    I think what you do is amazing
    I long distance care Mum ( carers 4 times a day!) there is no way I could do what you do.

    The frustration you feel as the the disease is robbing you of the person you married is so sad. I hope that this phase of dementia passes for you.

    sending you ((((((hugs)))))
     
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,971
    ah the no win situation! My Mum rings repeatedly throughout the day, not an issue really .... but
    If I answer the phone - I get the same questions about Dad ; is he eating talking etc he’s at end of life care
    Meds stopped morphine patches etc. No matter how many times I explain no he’s not talking or eating much just sleeping a lot my Groundhog Day just continues.
    I gently explain that he can’t feed himself. (Hasn’t been able to for months!)
    I also get the don’t understand what you are saying ... as in a word ie chair! I spell it out explain what a chair is to help the comprehension process. Poor Mum !
    but actually poor me ... I’m worn down by these repeat conversations! Dreading the phone to ring several times a day. If I try to ring Mum she doesn’t answer the phone or seem to understand why I am calling to chat to her. So it’s when Mum needs some thing that we speak/ spell/ shout the alphabet etc.

    between that & the ongoing Safeguarding issues at Dads care home( looks like they are going to serve him notice. As they provide end of life care, palliative care & are dementia accredited with 24 hour nursing staff, Dads not mobile & is at end of life care so how they can give him notice as they can’t meet his needs I look forward to hearing that explanation- as will the Safeguarding team investigating !!)

    yes a cell would be lovely do you think they do triple bunk beds?
     
  9. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    128
    Hi D. of D. You’ve really surprised me because every time I read your thread, I think how much I admire your strength and spirit to carry on! I often think I don’t know if I could do what you’re doing at the moment. But I guess we never know until faced with it!
    Sending (((((hugs))))) back ,I know you really need them right now !xxx
     
  10. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,971
    Oh bless you! I’m a mess!! Two nervous breakdowns under my belt & a third pending if I’m not careful! I will be honest - I’ve not been out of the house all week! I can’t face the outside world! I have used my cold / flu as my excuse.... but it’s clearing up now & the fridge & cupboards are almost empty!

    Every little obstacle feels like a mountain ... but I don’t want to appear like a moaning Minnie- so I put on this pretence that I’m coping! I’m so not!

    my husband, daughter & son ( now in Australia these past 18 months) have watched me spiral down over the years as the parents situations decline & dissolve into chaos. I like to be able to fix problems, yet this one isn’t fixable until the inevitable outcome.

    I live & breathe my parents dementia journey with them. Separating myself from the continual battles to ensure their care needs are met - means I am a shell of the person I once was. The years have eaten away at my identity leaving the guilt that whatever I do it’s never going to be enough.

    The selfishness of Dementia is a cruel part inflicted on the PWD nearest & dearest. I am now fighting for my own mental & physical health. I don’t know if I will ever recover from this experience- some days I think not!

    Life is meant to be for the living - & I yearn to live it without the continual guilt that that time should be spent with PWD. So it’s easier not to go out & stay at home in the four familiar walls that I duly crawl up!

    no I’m really not coping but as I’m an only child I have to get on with it.

    ps. I’m not a very mature person I’ve realised!
     
  11. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    808
    Female
    cornwall
    As you know I’m an only too.This journey we are on completely saps are strength. Physically &mentally.
    As much as I want to make life easier I cannot always do so.
    I must admit I cannot always do the compassionate communication with dad and I have to say it as it is.He seems to get it better .
    Before he went into respite I felt on the edge of a cliff.It wouldn’t take much to send me over.
    Luckily dad agreed to into respite but if he didn’t I wasn’t going to go in for a fortnight.So the carers would have had to do everything.
    I understand exactly where you are coming from.
     
  12. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,375
    Nottinghamshire



    I thought you might find this interesting
     
  13. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    808
    Female
    cornwall
    It is.Thanks
     
  14. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    280
    Glad it worked!;)
    I think even when quite far gone if theres a bit of understanding there they are not going to behave badly if they know there are consequences. OH was in a right mood this morning after not sleeping in his bed all night. When it came to lunchtime he came down all grumpy, and I told him he was not going to have lunch with me if he continued to be rude, which he did . So I ate lunch, ignoring him, told him he could have his later when he behaves politely. 'No!' So I left him to stew for a bit, washed up, then later went to the living room and asked if he'd like some lunch now, he was all meek and mild, and also agreed to take his jumper off which was back to front and he'd flatly refused earlier. They are a bit like naughty toddlers and will do what they can get away with.
     
  15. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    280
    I don't think shouting helps (though I do it sometimes in frustration) but being calm but firm does tend to work provided they can see the consequence, as in not engaging with them when they are being rude and and shouting, as PWDs often are. Its not the answer to everything (like getting out of bed at night) as one cannot create an unpleasant consequence for them of this wearisome behavour, (though any suggestions very welcome ;)) but being difficult about dressing for example, they can be left to do themselves if they choose to be abusive. I am also insistent on no rude unpleasant behaviour at mealtimes, but that only works because he enjoys his food:rolleyes:
     
  16. JuneR

    JuneR New member

    Jan 12, 2018
    4
     
  17. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,971
    My husband has always said that there are consequences to actions

    sometimes it’s hard to treat the PWD as you would a toddler but it’s the only way at times.

    asfor wandering around night- with Dad I used to make a cup of tea for us both & then later get him back into bed & give him a cuddle to reassure him - saying I was tired & needed an hour more. It worked because of Dads nature that has never changed! mum on the other hand ..... now she’s on her medication it’s much better, but I will let you know over Christmas

    like royalty aged mother has decided to grace us with her presence! For 4 nights - 3 days ! At least the cats booked into a cattery this time!!
     
  18. dancer12

    dancer12 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2017
    493
    Mississauga
    Hi Fishgirl:

    Can't count the number of times I've thought of that myself. Hope things are a bit more tolerable & manageable for you.:):):):):):):):):)
     

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