1. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Since my post about my mother's rampage things have not improved much. She has continued with aggression on and off. She has struck other residents on several different occasions. This resulted in her occasionally being given additional meds. I checked the records & they were really being good in trying to handle her without too many meds.

    She's also hit me - punched me repeatedly in the arm when I asked her if she wanted to go to her room. Anything can set her off and considering she's in a dementia unit with all kinds of interesting behaviours around her to set her off, it's scary.

    I visited her last night - again she was going on about "getting them all together and killing them all" "smacking them" accompanied with choice language and appropriate body movements. She did settle down for a bit & then I left. Afterwards, she assaulted two of the residents.

    This afternoon at 1:30 the home called me at work & explained she had got out of control & assaulted 4 of the residents. Three of the workers were also injured (minor - scratches & punches). They called the cops & had her removed to hospital as being a danger to herself & others. The home also asked me to have her kept at the hospital until she was stabilized. They don't want her back for a repeat performance of the last 10 days. Not that I can blame them.

    I hotfooted it over to the hospital to find her still in the emergency unit locked in a small cell-like room with a bed in it. She was quite angry & going on about "getting them" & "kicking them in the ass" & so on. this was after the hospital gave her more meds. I spent all of 3 minutes with her & had to get out. Then I spoke to the nurse & social worker. They have agreed that she does need to be in hospital until we can get all her meds sorted out & her stabilized.

    Now here's something funny - the nurse told me that my mother put one of the officers in the hospital. She kicked him dead on in the testicles. Bearing in mind she's 69 and she was brought in by 3 officers - handcuffed, no less. The nurse said the officer wouldn't be pressing charges - I guess not!! And I would think his fellow officers will rag him for a long time about the little old lady who laid him out.

    I left the hospital before they had found a bed for her. She will be put in the psychiatric ward, in a locked room. I called the social worker before 9 pm just to find out what was happening but she didn't return my call.

    Now I'm feeling guilty, I should have stayed with her (I know I'm not being realistic - I would have been absolutely useless). I'm torturing myself with thoughts of her in that cell-like room, cold and afraid and alone but I couldn't stay in it with her.

    I don't know how long she will be in hospital. It really is the best thing. However, on October 6 my husband & I are going to Paris for a week. I am not cancelling this trip for anything but I just feel guilty and sad and hopeless and all those pointless useless emotions. My guilt monster is a T-Rex.

    My sister (who lives 350 miles away) is urging me to enjoy my vacation. I'm sure I will - it's still over a week before we leave & I hope Mum will be settled down, or at least in the process.

    It's 11:30, I can't sleep, I ate about 1/2 lb of candy this evening. I wish she would just be more or less contented and not so angry all the time.

    When does the anger stop? She's doubly incontinent, her ability to form meaningful sentences is gone (except for aggressive statements - they're clear as a bell, of course). I really feel lost tonight.

  2. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Joanne
    What an awful time you and your mum are going through, it all sounds very frightening for all of you.

    I know all about the guilt monsters, I have about a dozen of the little blighters at the moment, but thats another story. Cannot sleep either.

    I can well imagine that you cannot get out of your head mum locked in that room, but for all concerned (especially her) there is no other alternative right now.

    Be assured, they will get her meds right, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm sure for her doctors its a bit of trial and error until they get it right, but hang onto the thought, they will get there in the end, and mum will feel better for it.

    The best thing you can do for your mum is to go to Paris, I am sure amongst the angry fog she is probably picking up on your stress, which becomes a bit of a circle, your stressed, and she pushes a few more buttons for a reaction.

    Enjoy Paris, do try to get a better image going in your mind of a better time, and then you will be going home with nice memories of a fab trip ready to take on the world, or in your case, mum.

    Hang on in there Joanne, sending you a big hug for a better time ahead.
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Joanne
    Sorry Joanne, but cold, afraid and alone don't sound like the description of your mum at present - she sounds like one feisty lady, ready to do battle with the world. Maybe the lack of stimulus will help to calm her mind. Mum obviously is not experiencing many of her normal emotions at present, wires are crossed, so maybe she is not aware of the isolation. There is no other option - she is in the best place to get the medications sorted, and she, and others are now safe.
    They are not pointless Joanne - just a consequence of loving - feel them, go with them and then move on. If you pretend that they are not happening, I think they then become a block.
    Take care. Hope that you found mum a little calmer today, and that you managed to get some sleep.
    Love Helen
  4. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Hi Joanne

    So sorry to hear that you're going through such an awful time with your mum. Can't really offer any advice - can only re-iterate what Cate and Helen have said - feelings of guilt are pointless (even though we probably all suffer from them whether we want to or not). Enjoy your trip to Paris and try not to think of home and your mum whilst you're there

  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    An update

    I went to see Mum last night. She's in a secure room. They had her in restraints, legs, arms & band across her waist. She seemed a lot calmer so the nurse undid one of the arm bands. She seemed quite content.

    The doctor came in & we had a long conference. This was the geriatric psychiatrist associated with the hospital. I liked her a lot, which is very important to me.

    The doctor feels Mum will be staying in the hospital for at least 2 to 3 weeks. They will sort her meds out, one way or the other. This is actually a relief to me, as I can now go away on my trip without having to worry about my mother bashing somebody in the home. I'm sure the home will be relieved, too.

    Helen, you're right that my mother is quite feisty (how polite of you!! :D) but in my mind she was alone & my imagination went on & on. I do feel her anger is concealed fear. I'm afraid my mother's philosophy seems to be "The best defense is a good offense". And boy, can she be offensive.

    Obviously, I'm feeling a lot better. There will be a family conference Tuesday afternoon and my sister will try to make it. She's 350 miles away so we're not sure yet.

    Thanks for the ear, everyone.

  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Gosh I do feel for you seeing your mum like that .

    Pleased to read

    Have a lovely Time in Paris Romance came to my mind ;) when thinking of paris so have a lovely moon light dinner and try to swich of for a while :)
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I hope they will get her onto the right medication and find the right place for her soon. It is ghastly to hear of people being constrained, but no doubt there are some circumstances when it just can't be avoided.

    My mother's violent attacks were mild by comparison, and it is just part of the general sadness that we couldn't talk properly about why it happened. (A relief when my brother and paid carers in the respite home were the targets because it meant it wasn't just me. It is so easy for victims to take things personally.)

  8. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Joanne
    This is all just so horrible for you....
    sending you lots of love....
    Focus on your trip to Paris.....
    Love xx

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