Mum's Screaming meltdown

[hrh]

Just when you think you have let the home know about mums needs and believe they have understood it all goes up in the sky. Yesterday mum had a very lucid day, knew she was in a CH, was adamant she wasn't staying there was shouting and swearing to leave, even pulled up her skirt saying she would wet herself there and then if my sister in law didn't take her home. Trying to mapp what could have triggered the outburst, it would seem when my sister in law arrived mum was in the kitchenette with the carer washing up, she was talking away and all good, it was when the carer left the room that mum started, saying she wanted out, to fetch her coat, she has to get home before she goes as mad as this lot, there are a few she really hasn't taken to, one being the man who walk in her bedroom on her second night and scared her. My sister in law did her best to distract her by waking round the home but mum was having none of it, at this time there was no one to ask for help as all the carers were at a meeting watching a training film, by then mum was really verbally protesting. The day before she was fine as she was occupied in the daycare side, when I went in the afternoon I chose to stay my distance and let her have her lunch etc. Then joined everyone in the daycare, whilst in there the residents were left to themselves while staff were having a break at the tables. I managed to keep mum engaged until one of the staff said the were going home and mum asked to go with and she said no where mum said okay she will go and jump of the bridge into the Avon. She has said this several times now in the last week, to me when she says this, it is an indicator to another uti infection or actual distress signal which the home have been told about. Last night it was another fretful sleep, are we doing the right thing for mum, is this care home the right one, what's to say the next one any better, there is a realutive meeting tonight what do we say if anything. There are some aspects of complacency emerging but don't want to rock the boat making things bad for mum, yet the staff are very nice to her.

So confused and saddened by the whole experience.

H

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

When my mum was like this, during her first 6 months in the care home, I'm afraid I got mean and told her a few home truths. When she said, 'I want to go home', I told her the doctors said she couldn't. When she asked why (because - obviously - there was nothing wrong with her!) I asked her where 'home' was and of course, she couldn't tell me. Then she would say, 'I want to go to my mum's house.' I'm afraid I told her, 'But your mother has been dead for 30 years and because you believe she's still alive, that's why the doctor won't let you leave.'

I've continued in this vein when required. (I should mention that she does not get in the least upset when told her mother/father/husband is dead, otherwise I wouldn't say it. Her usual response is, 'Well, nobody told me!) I have even deflected the blame away from me by saying, 'It's nothing to do with me - the courts have decided you must remain here.' And when she's been raving and stamping her foot, I add, 'And I'm not surprised when you behave like this'.

I know it sounds drastic, mean and cruel, but it has worked. She hates the fact she can't go out to the shops when she wants (though she is virtually immobile and there are no shops nearby) but has got to like (or at least accept) the CH. She's never really happy though. We're 2+ years in now and she still complains from time to time. I just repeat, 'The doctor says you must stay,' or something similar.

Everyone is different. Much depends on the stage your mum is at, her personality and the relationship you have with her. For my mum, it worked to 'shame' her into behaving properly. She's like a child-adult at times so this approach actually made some 'sense' to her.

 

[canary]

I would mention to the staff that you are concerned that she has a UTI, she probably hasnt been there long enough for the staff to recognise the symptoms, so do tell them.

I am somewhat concerned that every single member of staff was watching a training video, so there was no-one to come to your aid. Training videos are good and to be encouraged, but surely they should be watched in shifts?

 

[Sarasa]

@hrh, you have my utter sympathy. I went to see mum today and she was pretty much the same as yours. Yesterday she made a bid for freedom (she's pretty mobile) and had to be enticed back in. I hope she settles soon and they check for a UTI and see if that's the root cause of all this.
I too am worried by the lack of carers you mention. When I arrived at the home there were lots of people milling round in the entrance. Turned out it was a fire safety training exercise. There were still tons of other staff around though, and enough turned up that I could slip away before mum hurled anymore abuse in my direction when things started getting tricky.