Mum's Refusing To See Me

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Angela57, Aug 3, 2018.

  1. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,470
    I feel the same @Angela57 I have told my son that as soon as I start showing any signs, he is to give me the nod and I am out of here. 75 will do me as long as I am in good health. I am nearly 62 now so that gives me time to do the things I still want to do.
     
  2. Angela57

    Angela57 Registered User

    Jan 22, 2016
    195
    Thank you for actually understanding and agreeing Duggies-girl!

    It's good to know that there are others who are so affected by dementia, looking from the outside, that they care enough to want to protect their nearest and dearest in their future.

    I suppose everyone copes differently, but I can honesty say my parents ruined my childhood and have ruined my later years too, starting in my late 40's. All that violence is just too much.
     
  3. Moggymad

    Moggymad Registered User

    May 12, 2017
    337
    Female
    Hi @Angela57 i too have decided I will not endure dementia if it happens to me. I don't have children but have told my partner & sister. Watching my mum gradually losing her mind, use of her legs, be unable to clearly express herself, control her bodily functions & in a constant state of bewilderment is getting so painful to watch that I know absolutely I do not want to suffer the same journey or impose my suffering on others.
    I am so very sorry to read of your unhappy life with your parents. It is remarkable that you care for them as you do. You are a very special person imo. X
     
  4. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,470
    @Angela57 that is so sad that your parents were not ideal. I was lucky in that my parents were loving, caring and generally pretty wonderful and I have very happy memories of my childhood, perhaps this is why I have taken on my dad's care so willingly. He is a truly wonderful, caring and gentle man.

    This may also be the reason that I absolutely will not allow my son to take on the same caring role for me if I were to go the same way. My dad would hate that I am caring for him like this but he doesn't realise because he is happy in his own little world.

    We have children with the hope that they will go out and have some kind of wonderful life or at least a better one than we have had and as far as I am concerned I do not want my son looking after me when he could be living his own life.
     
  5. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,380
    Kent
    I agree...I do not want the worry and angst for my children as I had with dad of whether I should be moved into care if I succumb to dementia. No hesitation..move me in. I and OH have poa in place finance and health and have spoken to both children about our wishes in circumstances for DNR.
     
  6. Fullticket

    Fullticket Registered User

    Apr 19, 2016
    460
    Chard, Somerset
    I have left instructions that if I get to the stage my mother was at (before for preference) then I should be put on the first flight to EXIT. Fortunately I have no children so there is unlikely to be any argument, assuming it can be done legally.
    Expressing your concerns to the solicitor is absolutely right. You have POA so it is the responsible thing to do.
    Just a thought but if you are being told by the care home that your mum does not want to see you, are they sure she is talking about you (i.e. her daughter) and not some friend or acquaintance or relative? Mum was forever calling me by the name of her childhood best friend, or her sister or sometimes the lady that ran the memory group she attended. I clearly remember her saying to me that she wished she had not left her money to me, then calling me me by her sister's name. Perhaps she meant me, her daughter, but called me the wrong name, perhaps she meant her sister, or perhaps she thought she was talking to the postman. And this was a lady who at the time was capable of doing a cryptic crossword and chatting reasonably intelligently. Also, if she is feeling a bit anxious your mum may be threatening and denigrating the person who is closest to her as a way of explaining (in her mind) why she feels she is losing control.
    Maybe dig a bit deeper with the home, then stick your head around her door and say a cheery hello (with cup of tea and cake in hand perhaps) and see what happens. If you get a negative response then obviously withdraw. In which case go away to lick your wounds and develop the carers' 'hide of a rhino.' So much of it does not make sense but somewhere in her head there might be thread of reason (to her). Likelihood is it will pass as quickly as it arrived.
     
  7. Angela57

    Angela57 Registered User

    Jan 22, 2016
    195
    Thank you for the advise Fullticket. My mum is fully aware of who I am, and usually looks forward to my visits, but when she has periods of a bad temper she turns against me, it happened often when I lived with her and looked after her. I'd like to turn up and see how she reacts, but silly as it sounds to anyone else, the thought of her possibly being nasty with me, just thinking about it, my stomach starts churning, I tremble and my heart bumps ten to the dozen. So, I probably won't pluck up the courage to do it.

    I ring the home every week to check that she's okay.
     
  8. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    879
    Middle England
    I agree on where you are coming from... but unfortunately EXIT isn't a destination on someone's 'places to visit' list when in the iron grip of dementia. And the legal bit is nowhere on the horizon.
     
  9. Angela57

    Angela57 Registered User

    Jan 22, 2016
    195
    Quick update. Mum still won't speak to me on the phone, and has told staff at the home not to let me in if I go to see her. I trust the staff there, it's been 2 years of getting to know them and I'm fully aware that they will do their best to talk her around. But I've decided that I'll go along with her wishes for as long as it takes.

    My dad was placed on end of life in March this year, but has bounced back. If mum never wants contact with me, I'm sure it will change when we finally loose dad, because it will be down to me to arrange his funeral and to take mum and do all I can to support her yet again.

    I can't deny feeling a little bitter at the moment. And, yes, I know that's very selfish of me, but I can't help how I feel anymore than mum can. I'm not a robot, I'm human.

    Thank you all for your support, it's very appreciated.

    Ang
     
  10. Angela57

    Angela57 Registered User

    Jan 22, 2016
    195
    I feel exactly the same as you, put me in a home, if I can afford the costs, so they can enjoy life. When I had my boys, it was in the hope they had happy lives.
     
  11. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    233
    Female
    It's not selfish at all - you can only take so much. Sending hugs
     
  12. Angela57

    Angela57 Registered User

    Jan 22, 2016
    195
    Hi Jale

    I could go on for hours about what mum has put me through over the last few years, but I won't, suffice to say that I do feel selfish and guilty for feeling bitter. My grown up son's saw a lot of it, and think I should be jumping through hoops now that mum doesn't want anything to do with me, through no fault on my part. But I can't stop thinking about her in honesty. So she's achieved her goal, to upset me yet again for nothing.

    Sending hugs to you too and thank you.

    Ang
     
  13. Bubble82

    Bubble82 Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    27
    I hope things get easier for you soon. I haven't had that stage with My Mum yet, but have gone through the whole - she's stealing all my stuff.. - Which isn't nice.. She never said it to my face, but other people. Horrible to hear, especially when I know that My Mum wouldn't say anything of the sort! It's such a cruel illness.

    Did your Mum get anywhere with the solicitor?
     
  14. Angela57

    Angela57 Registered User

    Jan 22, 2016
    195
    I don't know if she's contacted the solicitor or not to be honest Bubble82. I do hope that your mum doesn't go through this phase for both your sakes, not everyone does. My dad never said bad things about me that weren't true, and he never wanted to do things to intentionally upset me either.

    Take care

    Ang
     
  15. Bubble82

    Bubble82 Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    27

    Thank you, you too.. I was hoping the solicitor wouldn't do it for your Mum. I'd like to think for your sake she didn't know what she was talking about, rather than do that to spite you! Such a cruel illness. When you say she's been saying all along she wants you to have it.
     
  16. Angela57

    Angela57 Registered User

    Jan 22, 2016
    195
    #36 Angela57, Aug 19, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
    Well, as yet nothing has changed with mum. Today when I called to see how she is, the carer told me that mum is telling them off if they mention me to her. It's not a surprise to me at all. I asked the carer to take the phone to mum and tell her that I was on the phone and wanted to speak to her, which the carer did. Mum just lost her temper calling me all the names under the sun and stormed off to her room. I could hear it all.

    My worry now is when my dad passes. Of course I'll arrange his funeral, but how the heck can I be expected to collect mum from her home and take her to the funeral, look after her and take her back home, when she wants nothing to do with me, but couldn't manage without me?

    Perhaps the answer is to arrange for a carer from the home to attend with her and pay whatever it costs. But then I wouldnt be welcome in the funeral car with her or to sit with her to offer comfort. I'm also worried what other family members will think of me, they may think I've been the one to turn my back on mum! My dad's funeral wouldn't be playing on my mind if he wasn't on end of life, but sadly, he is. Maybe I'm just over thinking things.
     

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